Saturday, April 30, 2011

Here Comes the Bride

So apparently somebody got married yesterday. That of course was sarcastic. All I’ve heard or seen on TV for the past week is wedding this, wedding that, and I’m just about sick and tired of it.

Now, I’m still not exactly sure what the big deal is with the royal family. I mean, they don’t even do anything, that I’m aware of. Their job is literally to sit there and be famous and rich for no reason. If we had a royal family here, it would probably be the Kardashians.

Now, I am going to say right off the bat I’m not the biggest fan of weddings, unless there is an open bar. You have to dress up and be very proper, two things I’m not good at, especially in the presence of open bars. Plus weddings are generally full of crazy women who are a little extra crazy because they’re all emotional (and don’t forget the open bar). So no, of course I did not watch the royal wedding.

Okay, so maybe I watched a little of it. All of the TVs at work were tuned to it, so I really had no choice. But let me just say that it wasn’t exactly pleasant. I mean, the royal wedding pretty much encompassed everything in this world I despise: weddings, fancy clothes, pompous British people, large churches and stupid hats. Then of course David and Victoria Beckham showed up embodying all of that and added soccer and the Spice Girls to that list.

And don’t even get me started on the dress. One girl asked me what kind of dress Kate would wear, and she got mad at me when I said “Probably a white one.” For weeks, all anybody could talk about was what the dress would look like, bringing in experts to give their predictions and insiders spreading rumors. Then they talked for hours that day, breaking down the possibilities.

Now, some women might point out that this is no different than the NFL draft that guys have been watching all weekend, to which I say… Okay you might have a point. Especially when you consider that ESPN draft expert Mel Kiper’s hair is stupider than any hat the Brits could have come up with.

The dress was finally revealed and, as always, I was right. It was white. And as usual it had a ridiculously huge train, but not nearly as big as Princess Diana’s. I just want to know how many other smaller, weaker dresses that dress ate to get that big. The only thing I liked about Kate’s train is that her sister, Pippa, was carrying it, and Pippa’s dress was awesome. Mainly because it hugged her body so close she had to get a restraining order on it.

Anyway, I finally lost interest at around the part when 70 million little children started singing and more people in stupid hats came out. It really is too bad, because as far as I can tell, Kate and William actually do like each other. As opposed to Diana and Charles, who had about as much chemistry as the plastic dolls on their wedding cake (and looked even less excited). She wanted to be a queen. He wanted to pretend he wasn’t gay.

I was too young for all that Princess Di stuff, but apparently it devastated England when their marriage fell apart and Diana died. And considering their weather sucks and their food is horrible and their favorite sport is soccer, the English can’t afford any more depressing events. Sure, it may sound pathetic that the mood of an entire nation rests upon the very unstable structure that is modern day marriage, but oh well.

I’m just worried that even if they love each other, the pressure will get to them. I mean, billions of people watched their wedding. Imagine how awkward it will be when they want to have 24/7 E! coverage of their first night as a married couple. Maybe they will bring in a team of experts to break down the tape:

Mel Kiper: “Decent stamina, but he needs to work on his hands and his movement in his hips. Not super talented, but he gets the most out of what he has.” (And yes, that was an actual quote from this year’s NFL draft coverage).

But never the less, I’m sure everything will work out. After all, what girl doesn’t want to be a princess? Judging by all the angry single women I see at weddings, I’m assuming it’s a lot.

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