Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Party and Party and Yeah!

In case you didn’t know somehow (like you are a responsible citizen), tomorrow is 4/20, which means thousands of stoners descend upon our campus to protest the injustice of current marijuana laws get ridiculously high. I’m not sure where the hell they come from, and I’m never sure where they go when they’re done. They should make some sort of Animal Planet documentary about it, with one of those British narrators.

British guy: "Sensing the time has come, the stoner manages to get up from sitting on his couch smoking cannabis and begins the long journey to go sit on the lawn and smoke cannabis. The stoner may pack bags of Cheetos as an energy source for the trek. It is a long and arduous journey, and many of the weaker stoners simply give up and smoke in the middle of their dorm lobby, where they are quickly picked off by preying campus security…"

Not that anybody will ever get busted for anything on 4/20. You are more likely to get arrested for shooting someone in Texas than for having pot on 4/20. But the school is starting to get pretty pissed. It’s never a good thing when you are a place of higher learning and you are nationally famous for the same reason Cheech and Chong are. So how did they respond? With a strongly worded letter.

The school is desperate for the event to stop because they’re getting some bad press. Because as if you needed another reason to be insanely jealous of me, Playboy recently announced that the University of Colorado is the biggest party school in the U.S. Haha, did you expect me to link you to Playboy? Pervert. If you want to see bunnies and pussy, click here.

Anyway we somehow managed to top all the new STDs that Arizona State comes up with weekly. It’s like a giant petri dish down there. But Playboy said that the copious amounts of weed and alcohol we ingest more than made us worthy of the top spot.

Now the pot thing is a little shameful, but I don’t see what is wrong with being known for having a lot of great local beers. The problem is when certain people drink several cases of great local beer on Tuesdays before their poetry class, and then try to rhyme “tuna” with “beluga.” Not that I would personally know anything about drinking unsafe amounts of alcohol. Depending on your definition of “unsafe.” Sure, I have the occasional drink. I just have occasions a lot. I also don’t do a great job of spacing out my occasions. But anybody who thinks that my drinking habits interfere with my ability to function in society have clearly never seen me try to function sober. It can’t get a whole lot worse.

Not that I haven’t done anything stupid while I was drunk before, and this is where I agree with Playboy. Boulder gives you a lot of opportunities to do very stupid things. For instance, on the street where most of the bars are, for some reason there are about ten different bronze statues of various animals and figures. I’m almost certain that there are pictures of me on the Internet doing inappropriate things to every single one of those statues.

There are also a lot of injury opportunities when you’ve been drinking in Boulder. I’ve gotten ripped toenails, sprained toes, cuts, burns, bites (from humans and birds) and have been forced several times to do something called a “stuntman shot.” (And by “forced” I mean “drunkenly volunteered”.) The one thing that is safer about Boulder is the fact that drivers are already on the lookout for stupid people on the sidewalks who refuse to walk in straight lines. I mean, even sober Boulder pedestrians tend to be very erratic in their routes.

But as much as I benefit from going to the top party school in the nation (I mean, strictly pride-wise), I can see how the faculty don’t see it as a positive. I mean, when tell people I go to CU, I don’t want to always have this conversation:

Them: “So, did you go to CU to party?”

Me: “No, I chose CU because of their excellent academic curriculum.”

Them: “Oh I see. So what is you major?”

Me: “I'm part of CU's first-rate journalism school.”

Them: "Their what?"

Me: "Oh yeah... Never mind, I came here to party."

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