Saturday, April 16, 2011

Prom Night

My younger sister recently had her senior prom. I know this because all of a sudden my Facebook feed has been clogged with her and her friends’ prom photos for the better part of a week now. This of course drudged up memories of my prom experiences, which I’ve tried very hard to bury deep within my memory, along with that whole boy band phase everybody went through in middle school.

But for most people, prom is the highlight of their high school lives. It gives high school kids the chance to wear fancy clothes, dance with their teen heartthrobs, and then try beer for the first time and throw up on both. It’s basically high school in a nutshell: teens trying to be as cool and grownup as they can considering their parents are chaperoning fifteen feet away.

Okay sorry I know that a lot of people loved their senior prom. I’m not one of them. Although when you think about it, it’s not that surprising. I hate dancing, wearing nice clothes, and staying up past 10. There is literally nothing about prom that would appeal to me except for the buffet and that part of the night where they always play the "Electric Slide" and "YMCA."

In fact, I very nearly did not even go to my own senior prom. After a bit of a faux pas trying to get a date to my junior prom, I was pretty content with saving some money and staying home. But because I was the senior class president, I somehow got lassoed into being on the prom committee. I objected, since there were probably starving children in Africa who cared more about this prom than I did.

But I ended up on the committee anyway. So now in addition to showing up to a prom I didn’t want to go to, I had to help set it up. Now, the year was 2007, so like 95% of the high schools in America that year, we had the whole 007 theme. And of course, the girls wanted a balloon arch.

Now, let’s just get something out of the way very quickly. Anybody who thinks that proms are about couples is na├»ve. Proms are society’s way of introducing women to the concept that the world revolves around them. Mess with prom and you will have hordes of angry, unstable teenage women very mad at you, as I would find out numerous times that year.

Women care very deeply about prom. They spend months looking for a dress, whereas the only thing I changed about my outfit from my junior to my senior prom was the color of my tie. They spend hours on their hair and makeup, whereas I woke up from a nap about an hour before the dance started.

So anyway, getting back to the balloon arch. The women wanted one, but about ten hours before the prom, they all left to go do their hair. Which means that me and five other guys were in charge of making a balloon arch. I think you can see where this is going. For one thing, none of us knew how the hell to make a balloon arch. Secondly, none of us gave a damn about the balloon arch. Third, the helium tank broke halfway through, which meant that we were using our breath to blow up about half of the balloons.

Needless to say, what resulted about five hours later was the most pathetic looking balloon structure since the Hindenburg crashed. It sort of sagged in the parts where we ran out of helium, so it looked more like the outline of a slug than an arch. The women of course were not happy, but then again, you should always expect failure when you assign a task to five men (unless that task involves drinking large amounts of beer).

After spending the entire day preparing for the prom, I spent most of the actual prom sitting at a table playing cards listening to our retarded DJ play Sean Paul’s “Temperature” every ten minutes. The best part was when the prom ended, and I got to pop every single one of those goddam balloons with a butter knife. After watching all the cool kids leave to go get thrown out at second base and get drunk off Zimas, a few of us suckers stayed behind to clean up everything and then headed back to the room to play Wii Tennis.

So you can see why senior prom was not exactly the highlight of my life. But thankfully it looks like my sister had a much better time than I did. Probably because their class never asked me to help with the balloon arch.

1 comment:

  1. I remember when the balloon arch had too many helium balloons for simply one chair to hold it down anymore and it started lifting everything off, until we had Chris sit on the chair - but may has well have set nothing on it, he almost blewaway foo. And yeah I remember Britney being like 'Dont screw this up for me Mitchell, I've been dreaming this up since Iwas FOUR!!!'
    Great article.