Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Osama Got Pwned

It truly is a great time to be an American. Because we have once again proved that when you mess with the red, white and blue, people with guns will descend out of the sky and shoot you in the head in the middle of the night. Just to be patriotic, you should play this song the whole time you are reading this entry (and beware, there is some very patriotic swearing involved).

As you must know by now, a team of American SEALS shot and killed Osama bin Laden on Sunday, ending what was basically a ten year game of hide and seek with guns. While the British were busy wearing silly hats, we laid down the law. Sure, he may not be technically running al Qaeda anymore, but I think we can safely say he had this coming.

In fact, I think we were a little too nice to him. Apparently we tried to observe all of the religious guidelines to getting rid of his body. Or at least that’s what I was told. But then I read that they dumped his body in the ocean. Now, I’m not too familiar with Islam, but I had no idea becoming fish food was part of the religious process. But it's okay, because I'm sure he is off to go see his 72 virgins as we speak.

But apparently no country wanted to deal with his remains, and I guess launching him into space was too expensive and tossing him into the fires of Mt. Doom was a little too nerdy. Frankly, I would have loved to have been the country to take him. I would set up his body in one of those dunking booths, except the water tank would be filled with piranhas. Kids would love it. I just feel sorry for the Atlantic Ocean. First BP spills a ton of oil and now they have to do deal with this guy being dumped. Nobody will ever want to swim there again.

But back to the part where we shot him in the face. The details are still coming out, but apparently they followed one of his couriers back to the hideout after what I can only assume were liquor runs. Honestly, I’m a little peeved that he was hiding in a house this whole time. I figured if he was dodging us for ten years, he better at least be somewhere deep in the mountains with only goats for conjugal company. But no, he’s just chilling at some house with fifty wives, throwing pajama parties and watching The Real World. I mean even Sadaam Hussein was found in a hole in the ground.

Thankfully, all that comfort ended when a team of Americans raided his house in what I’m assuming will one day be a movie starring Channing Tatum. How would you like to be the guy who shot Osama? The SEAL team was told to not tell anybody about the raid, but come on, are you telling me you wouldn’t tell people? It would be an awesome go-to story to tell at parties to impress drunk chicks. Whereas the story I tell now involves a gallon of old milk, a parking lot and a small dog and isn’t nearly as exciting.

What’s even worse is that for all the secrecy surrounding this operation, one thing almost blew it: Twitter. As if I needed another reason to hate Twitter, some guy next door started unknowingly tweeting details about the raid. Thankfully nobody read his tweets, but imagine if anybody cared who he was? Because you know that Osama has a Twitter account that he uses to see what meaningless things Ashton Kutcher is up to.

I remember people always ask me where I was when I found out about 9/11, and my answer is never good. Because 9/11 happened at about 5 in the morning in Hawaii, so I was in bed. But I remember very clearly where I was when I found out Osama was dead. I was on my couch. I’m on my couch for a lot of major events in history. I was drinking and watching baseball when the most amazing thing happened. The Philadelphia Philly fans began to chant in unison, “U-S-A!” This was remarkable for several reasons. For one, I didn’t think Philly fans could spell. Also, normally Philadelphia fans are so drunk and angry that the only they can chant in unison is “boo.”

But that shows how a nothing brings a country together like the gruesome death of somebody we don’t like. The world is now a safer place. Except for Kim Jong-Il. He might want to start checking Twitter more often.

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