Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Silver Bullet

So my family and some family friends came up to Colorado to visit me for graduation. But graduation only lasts so long, so eventually we had to find something better to do than sit around drinking. So we went to the Coors factory in Golden to stand around drinking instead.

The Coors factory is where they brew several beers, including Coors Light. I like beer, and I like drinking inappropriate amounts of it and then making inappropriate jokes about people’s ethnic background. I like beer because it is simple. You don’t need to mix it, stir it, chase it, shoot it or sniff it. You open it, you drink it, you piss it out, and you repeat.

Coors is no different. They love to market themselves as the "coldest beer in the world," which always confused me. I figured I was the one who determined how cold my beer was. For instance, I rarely wait before the mountains turn blue before I start drinking them. They get to this sort of light, bluish gray color and then I just drink it.

Now, Coors is famous for their commercials, which tout Coors as being brewed in the Rockies with Rocky Mountain water by Rocky Mountain men who have beards and wear jeans and have firm handshakes. All of the commercials show epic scenery with lush evergreens and mountains and bald eagles and stuff. Then you actually get there. There are a few lumps of dirt, but that’s about it.

So we got there and find out that the tour is actually free, and for a reason. It’s not really a “tour” in the sense that there is no tour guide, no tour exhibits, and very few tourists. It was really a five minute walk through parts of their building with an audio device that you could use to hear about key stops on the walk, like the men’s bathroom.

There were several helpful people seated near some of the exhibits. One of them delightfully informed us that every batch of beer that Coors brews is tasted to ensure that it is up to Coors standards (that is, very low). This was very interesting to me, because that sounded to me like an awesome job. I like drinking large quantities of beer. I love getting paid. I have low standards. Could this be my dream job?

Turns out it’s not. Apparently you have to have a very sophisticated palette, and as most people can tell you, sophisticated is one thing that I am not. Besides, you can’t drink off the job or you could ruin your taste buds (I just think it’s weird that a job requires you to drink at work, and then forbids it at home).

Anyway, all in all the tour lasted about ten minutes. This was fine with me, because frankly the only part I cared about was the samples at the end of the tour. Now, I am not one of those beer snobs who can tell you about the hoppiness or the citrus flavor of a beer or whatever. All beer tastes like stale rat’s piss, so there really isn’t much of a difference. But I do have a favorite type of beer: free beer.

So I was excited for my free samples. Each person on the tour was allowed to have three glasses of free beers, and no sharing was allowed. I think you all know that I did not exactly follow this rule. I tried about five different types of beer. I assessed the flavors and the feel of the beer with the following sentiment: “BUURP.” Then I went and drank more of it.

Of course, no tour would be complete without the gift shop. Normally I skip gift shops, but then again normally I’m used to gift shops simply being full of ugly t-shirts and key chains and those license plates with your name on it (and for some reason, they never have my name). But this gift shop had bottle openers and pint glasses and, most importantly, more beer.

So overall, I would say it was the perfect destination. In fact, with all of the breweries in Colorado, I’m thinking of drinking my way around the state. I’m starting with my fridge.


  1. Very nice post. Nice to read about you.. I appreciated your efforts... Good job! Keep it up...

  2. Wow. Spammers are getting nicer and nicer these days.

  3. BUSH and BUSESH?
    MITT like in MITT ROMNEY?
    They got it .
    And they got it on tape.
    And they got it not only as " DATE RAPE".
    But DIRDEMAN .
    And they got it with DICHATIL .