Sunday, July 24, 2011

All Hail the Chief!

Just like most Americans, growing up I dreamed of someday being the President of the United States of America. Okay, so it may have been third on my dream jobs list after being a surfer and the sixth member of the Backstreet Boys. But those dreams are out of my reach now (my audition video of me singing “Larger Than Life” keeps getting lost in the mail somehow), whereas my dream of running the country is very much alive.

That's because Facebook has taken a break from making their chat feature impossible to use and come out with an app that could make me the next president. The “Double Rainbow” guy from YouTube is already signed up, so it must be a great idea. It's called Votocracy, and even though I know nothing about it and just read about it ten minutes ago, I am going to use it to announce that I will be running for president in 2013. Or whenever the elections are. I should probably look that up. Not that it matters since I lost my voter registration card, which is for Hawaii anyway, which gets like half an electoral vote.

Now, why do I want to run for president? For the good of the people of course. And by “people” I mean “me and the hot women I will invite to parties in the White House.” Because the bennys are all that really count in any job. Just think, you can fly anywhere you want on Air Force One, play beer pong on the Resolute desk, drunk dial Ann Coulter and pardon Wesley Snipes so they can make Blade 4. You can also have a parade of black Escalades drive you around, at least when they're not being rented out by P Diddy. Or Diddy Dirty Money, or Puff the Magic Daddy or whatever we're calling him today.

And before you bring up how horrible a president I would make, just remember it's not like I have much to live up to. Unlike certain past presidents, I have never had sexual relations with that woman (depending on your definition of the word “woman.”) Plus, look at the other candidates you have to choose from. Michelle Bachman is Sarah Palin but from a different part of Canada (Minnesota, as opposed to Alaska). Newt Gingrich has been legally dead since 2004. Mitt Romney, according to some nasty rumors, collects toe nails clippings.

Okay, so I started those rumors just now. But in addition to making up incriminating evidence on my opponents, I also can solve issues. I would solve health care by ordering new National Geographics for waiting rooms around the country. I would solve the debt by selling the state of California to the highest bidder (“Do I hear $300 billion from China?). I would lock up Casey Anthony, end the NFL lockout, make J.K. Rowling write more Harry Potter books, ban GEICO commercials and bring back Johnny Bravo.

So you should definitely support me as I begin my arduous political campaign from my couch (Motto: “We Itch for Mitch!”). The only problem is I need you to donate about $100 to my Votocracy page to get me on the ballot. But I'm sure you, my loyal followers, will come through. Or I could always hop on the Double Rainbow ticket. By the way, “hopping on the double rainbow” has to be a the greatest euphemism for getting high I've ever heard.

Bummer Update: Did you know you had to be at least 35 years old to run for president? So my campaign has hit a snag before it even got going. That would have been more devastating but my research also showed I would have to start my campaign in Iowa and New Hampshire, which I'm worried might actually involved trips to Iowa or New Hampshire.

Personally, I think the age limit should be 21. Frankly, once you are allowed to start drinking legally your decision making sort of goes downhill from there.