Monday, August 1, 2011

iHate Apple

Just the other day, I got a call from my mother. Now, I love my mother, but she generally calls me for one of two reason: to complain about something or to ask me my opinion on something before telling me that my opinion is wrong and completely ignoring it.

This was one of those times. She called to ask me whether she should get my sister an iPad before she goes to college in a month. I of course said no, since the iPad is the most useless technological innovation since Prius brakes. It's only function is literally to tell people “Hey look, I have an iPad!”

I mean, it's too big to really carry it with you anywhere, and it's too small to do anything useful. Although it does have this really neat app that lets you play with pixie dust that is really entertaining if you are drunk.

But you should take what I say with a grain of salt, because I am not normally a big fan of technology. I am what I like to call “technologically unintuitive.” Other people refer to this as “stupid.” Me and technology don't really get along. Technology is supposed to make my life easier, but I am convinced that it is out to kill me. For instance, the delightful voice on my GPS keeps telling me to “take a sharp left into oncoming traffic,” before telling me it is currently “recalculating.”

So you can imagine how frightened I was when I recently had to go buy a mac laptop. Now, I normally don't like macs since they forgot somewhere along the manufacturing line to put in a goddam right-click button, but I needed some of the macs programs.

The first thing I did when I showed up at the store was make sure it was an actual apple store, because believe it or not, you can't be sure anymore. The first thing you should do to make sure you are not in a fake Chinese Apple store is make sure you are not in China. Once you are certain of that (the best way to check is to see if the Google on the computers will let you search “Tienanmen Square”) you can commence giving the store your life savings.

Everything in the store will probably cost more than Charlie Sheen's last hooker. They try to make you forget this by letting you look at all the fancy looking gizmos and play Angry Birds. So my approach was to rush up to the nearest person, point at the laptop, and tell them I want it. Of course, that person then informed me they didn't work there and slowly backed away from me.

Eventually I actually found a person who worked there and told them what I wanted, offered a kidney as a down payment, and then proceeded to the checkout line. Except there is no checkout line in Apple stores. That is because they do this weird thing where they try to show off how useful their iPhones are by swiping your credit card on their phones. Which seems a little suspicious to me. For one thing, to this day I have no idea where my receipt is. It's probably lost forever in cyberspace, unlike good old print receipts, which I can easily keep track of (they are lost forever in the back seat of my car).

But just because you've swiped your personal information through a little doo-hicky attached to a phone that could have “Ice, Ice Baby” for a ringtone, doesn't mean the fun is over. Because now comes *cue ominous music*...the tutorial. “Dun Dun DUN.”

The tutorial is when the Apple employee assumes that you, the customer, have fig newtons for brains and do not have any idea how to turn on the computer. They never go through the hard stuff that I don't know how to do, but they make sure to school you on the one step that I do know (“Push the big ON button”).

After they went over that important step, they proceeded to try and sell me more things and collect my e-mail address and all sorts of other highly uncomfortable things before I ran screaming. By the time I got home I needed some stress relief. I'm assuming there is an app for that, but since I don't have an iPad, I'll stick with beer.