Monday, September 19, 2011

King of the Jungle

So I was watching TV with my neighbors when a commercial came on announcing that The Lion King was making its way back to theaters, this time in 3-D.

Frankly, I haven't been this excited by something I saw on TV since the day I first saw a Snuggie infomercial. In my opinion, The Lion King is one of, if not the greatest children's film of all time. You are very welcome to argue that point, at which time I will stick my fingers in my ear and sing “NAAAAH Sabenya chacha be someho choo choo hoo ben yen mama blah blah yah,” or whatever the heck the words are to the first part of that song. To this day I don't think anybody knows for sure. I just remember that I had a classmate in high school who could sing that first note eerily well. By all other accounts she was a normal person, but this ability scared me, especially since she would do it at very unexpected times, which can be startling.

Teacher: So if you turn to page three, you will see -

Classmate: "NAAAAAH..."

Anyway, the music is just one of the great things about that movie. The next time you are in a group of people, just start singing “A wimoweh a wimoweh a wimoweh.” I guarantee everybody in the group will instantly follow along and before you know it the whole room will be singing that song. I once started it in a group of guys while we were too drunk to stand, much less harmonize. But without communicating at all, we instantly synched up and each of us took a different part of the song.

**WARNING: Do not attempt this in job interviews, funerals, senate floor hearings and lecture halls. Wait, scratch that, an entire lecture hall singing that song would be awesome. But definitely not funerals.**

And it's not just the soundtrack, the movie teaches us so many life lessons. The circle of life for instance. This movie taught me that I have a role in the circle of life, and that role is to eat lots of large animals. Me eating enormous quantities of cows and pigs is frankly the only thing that is keeping our delicate ecosystem working, according to Elton John. I'm assuming that vegans never watched The Lion King growing up. Maybe if the vegans had done their job, there wouldn’t have been any cows to trample Mufasa to death.

But as you would probably expect, my favorite characters in the movie are Timon and Pumba. Their motto of Hakuna matata, no worries, is still the credo that I live my life by. So technically I never do any work and ignore all of my responsibilities because of my religion. So for you to mock me for these things is really insensitive and bigoted when you think about it. I hope you are ashamed of yourself.

The only problem is -


Dammit now I lost my train of thought. Anyway, they just don’t make kids movies like they used to. I’m just sad that my kids will grow up without ever seeing some of these great movies. I mean, they’re already going to be forced to live in a world with global warming, overpopulation, scarce jobs and whatever season of Real World they’ll be on by that time. Without Disney movies to teach them ethics, I fear all of our kids are going to grow up to be sociopathic killers.

Then again, there are people who are convinced The Lion King is also sending negative messages. For instance, Rafiki clearly abuses drugs. And then there is the infamous secret message, which spells out the word “sex.” Or possibly “sty.” Or “Styx.” Or it’s a map of I-25. Seeing as most kids don’t know what sex is I don’t see how it matters (I don’t think I even knew how to read when I watched these movies.)

So make fun of me all you want, but I might seriously go see this movie. And early box office returns show that I’m not the only one. I’m holding out hope that most of those are new parents taking an entire new generation of kids to go see this movie, because that’s how the circle of life works, according to Mufasa. And you do not mess with Mufasa. I’m looking at you, vegans.


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