Sunday, April 22, 2012

Draw Something Ugly

It's time that we take a look at the smart phone app that is sweeping the nation faster than a case of syphilis in the Hilton household. That's right, it's Draw Something! For those of you who haven't ever tried it out, you basically send a drawing of a word to your friend, who then has to guess what the word is based on your truly horrible artistic rendering.

Sure, you hear all these stories about people who apparently could paint the Sistine Chapel on Draw Something. But do you know what all those people have in common (aside from way too much time on their hands)? They are all cheating. I don't know how, I don't know why, but they are cheating somehow. Maybe they are using iPads or those special pens. Maybe they know a really tiny person whose fingers actually fit on an iPhone screen.

Because let's be honest, most of your drawings looks like somebody attached a thick marker to the butt of a three-legged weasel stuck in a cage full of African killer bees. There is a reason most people do not draw with their fingers past the first grade. It's like performing brain surgery with a butcher knife and a sledgehammer.

Then of course, you have the people I play with (not to give away their identities, but “twin” is involved in their usernames). Now their drawing is far from bad. The weird thing is, they almost never draw. They apparently got the memo that the game is called “Write Something,” because that is normally what they do. Sometimes they try to draw it and then give up:

And then sometimes, they just say “F**k it.”

But the funniest part is trying to watch them (and one of them in particular) try to spell words when it's their turn to guess. For instance, using artistically accurate and descriptive stick figures, I attempted to draw the word “macarena.” Now, she got the word, but as the letters went up, you could tell she had absolutely no idea how to spell it. First she tried “macerana,” then “macarane,” and then for some inexplicable reason tried about five different variations that involved the letter “Q.” (She also thinks there is a “U” in Kirby.)

Now, I'm not being condescending, because I would probably write out all the words too if anybody could read my handwriting. I am probably the worst Draw Something player in the world. I make refrigerator art look like it should be in a glass case at the Louvre. For instance, can you guess what this is?

It's supposed to be Aladdin, but I think we can all agree it looks a lot more like the monkey he hung out with.

I think if there was ever a word that did not describe me, it would be “artistic.” My mom and my sister can paint and draw and are very “right brained,” where I would be more accurately described as “no brained.” I was that kid in kindergarten who all the teachers worried about because in art class I could never color inside the lines and I always chose to draw landscapes involving colors that never appear naturally in nature, such as neon orange. Also, I never drew clothes on any of the people in my pictures.

I actually did win a drawing contest called “Sight Is Beautiful,” when I was in kindergarten, proof beauty truly is in the eyes of the beholder, and those beholders are clearly idiots. I think they let me win because they assumed I was retarded, since I swear I drew one of my fish half purple, half gray with blue stripes and green fins. (I apparently was very intent on using every single marker in my “LSD Crayola” starter pack.)

So obviously my name will never be alongside the likes of Leonardo, Rafael, Donatello and Michelangelo as an artist (or as ninja turtle). In fact, I got kicked out of an art museum once for sitting down on what I thought was a bench that actually turned out to be a very expensive piece of art. So I will instead settle for sharing my splotchy caveman-like portraits with people I force to play Draw Something with me. At least now that I have unlocked the “beach” color packet, I can now draw the pictures of myself that I really want to...

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