Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Tie the Knot


So as you know, same-sex marriage has been all over the news lately. Or at least you would know if you stopped just sitting in your room all day listening to “Call Me Maybe” on repeat. I mean, how many times can you -

iPod: "…and this is crAAAAAzy-"

OK, OK I get it you love this song. But just pause it for one second. OK?

Because this is a very serious issue at hand. So actually, I’m not sure why I’m talking about it. Me and serious issue normally clash worse than Amanda Bynes and parked cars. But all of the country’s leaders and most influential figures are talking about it, which means I have to discuss it to make sure at least one intelligent person weighs in on the issue.

Now just to get this out of the way, I think same-sex couples are no different than straight couples and have every right to get married before then going through an ugly divorce, because I believe in equality when it comes to misery. I mean, after seeing all the ugly separations and restraining orders and grisly murders we’ve gone through because of marriage, I’m surprised they still want it. Because this is what most straight guys would do if marriage weren’t legal for us:

“Ohh sorry honey, I would looooove to marry you and eventually have you chop off my head with an axe for insurance money after I cheat on you. But the good state of Colorado says it’s illegal. Both the marriage and the axe part.”

But whether marriage is a good idea safety wise is irrelevant, same-sex couples should have the same right to tie the knot and confirm their tax breaks true love. Even if I didn’t plan on using it, I can’t imagine being denied a right that every other person on the planet took for granted. 

For instance, I am a staunch supporter of gun rights. Sure, I’ve never fired a gun in my life and I’m pretty sure having one would pose a safety risk to both myself and anyone within 100 yards of me. But if you were to ever take away my right to wander into the hills and fire projectiles at beer bottles I just finished drinking, my legislators would be hearing from me. As soon as I figure out who they are.

One mistaken notion is that allowing same-sex marriages would somehow ruin the idea of the “nuclear family.” Bristol Palin even chimed in with her two cents, saying every baby should have a father and a mother. I find this highly ironic, since Bristol got knocked up, which means her baby will only see it’s father to collect child support checks. 

Another politician said a child requires a man and a woman in a loving marriage. Considering I’ve seen a man and a woman who barely know each other raise babies, I know the only thing you need to produce a child is a bottle of tequila and a lack of pharmaceutical resources.

Speaking of tequila, there is really only one group of people who should never be allowed to get married. And that is celebrities. Seriously, we won’t let two guys marry each other but we let Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr get married? OK, so that’s sort of the same thing, but you get my point.

But ultimately, the reason I’m in favor of this is I think everybody has the right to make their own decisions. Even though most of the times we make the wrong ones. For instance, even though my doctor would probably tell me it’s a bad idea, I am about to eat this entire box of Oreos. Because there is one thing that makes this country obese great. But I think the great William Wallace can say it better than me…

Mel Gibson: “FREEEEEEDOO-”

iPod: “so call me mAAAAAAybe.”

You just couldn’t wait til the end of the note could you?