Sunday, March 3, 2013

Oscars 2013

Now I’m a little late with this, but I didn’t realize it was decreed in the Constitution that the founding fathers sacrificed their lives so that every blogger in the world could write a story reviewing the Oscars. I hate most celebrities and know nothing about movies and even less about fashion so this isn’t really up my alley, but far be it for me to let the founding fathers down, so here we go.

This year’s show of course was one of the most highly anticipated in a while mainly because of who was hosting it: Seth MacFarlane, the creator of Family Guy. Now MacFarlane makes his money by being racist, sexist and crude, so of course everyone freaked out when he, of course, made racist, sexist and crude jokes. And by “everyone” I mainly mean “angry feminists.”

Now, as I said in the opening, every single idiot on Twitter and every blogger in the universe has taken the time to rip MacFarlane a new one in between drooling over Anne Hathaway, Sandra Bullock and some cross-dressing dude singing “All That Jazz,” so aside from saying that I thought MacFarlane did a great job I won’t really get into his hosting job.

But there are several other things about the night that we do need to talk about, so without further ado:

Someone needs to talk to Kristen Stewart. As in an intervention. Because she showed up with Harry Potter to present an award but looked more like she was there to accept an Oscar for Best Performance in a PSA About the Use of Crystal Meth.

Adele continued her world domination tour by winning an Oscar for somehow managing to rhyme “Skyfall,” with “crumble.”

Ben Affleck was also a big winner, with his film Gigli Argo taking home the Oscar for Best Picture. But it was followed by one of the stranger acceptance speeches ever. Affleck, George Clooney and some other clown came up onto the stage, and despite himself acknowledging that he was the ugliest one on the stage and the only one we didn’t know, that uknown third guy took up most of the time. And this year the Academy was pretty harsh about that, what with the Jaws music and just cutting of people’s mics. From now on, whenever people talk to me for too long, I will start humming Jaws music when they have one minute left.

Anyway, once this guy finished his speech, Affleck made a disjointed, rambling speech during which he called being married to his wife Jennifer Garner. Garner looks like this. If being married to her is work, I would really like to know where I can apply for that job.

But with all of Ben’s Gigli Argo success, the question of who won the night is not even close. It was Jennifer Lawrence. Not only did she win an Oscar, she somehow managed to seem like the only normal person in the room while doing so. She of course tripped while walking to the stage, because that is what people do while wearing circus tents. It was actually her second dress malfunction of the awards season.

But if anything, people loved her more for it. Also, did anyone else see how fast Hugh Jackman got to her to try and help? Jennifer seemed pretty pumped about it, and let's face it, I don't know anyone - guys included - who wouldn't be. Lawrence also talked about taking shots, made funny faces, and just when I thought I couldn’t love her anymore, she did this. She might want to just plan ahead and get a restraining order against me now.

The Onion got in trouble for calling 9-year-old Kwev-, uh, Qwez-, Quetzaqu-… well whatever her name is, it is, the Onion called her a bad word for angry female genitalia.

Kristin Chenowith took a break from being one of the annoying singing children on the “Alice in Wonderland” Disneyland ride to sing a closing number.

But I think if the Oscars taught us one thing, it is that we can never get too much William Shatner.