Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Final Four Play

As I'm sure you are aware now because one of your obnoxious co-workers is bragging about winning $20 on a sporting event so random 10-year-olds routinely win it, the NCAA men's basketball tournament wrapped up on Monday.

In the end, Louisville beat Michigan to capture the championship, capping off a remarkable run through the tournament for a team that, by all appearances, is coached by the long-lost uncle of Edward Cullen.

There were a lot of story lines to this game, especially on the Louisville side. As many of you have already seen, one of their players, Kevin Ware, jumped to defend a shot in a game and then watched as his leg made like a Kit Kat bar and pretty much snapped in half.

WARNING: If you are at all squeamish you should not watch this video. Seriously, it was the grossest thing I have ever seen on TV, and I once watched an entire documentary on tapeworms. In fact, don't watch the video, just look at the reaction of his teammates:



Seriously, they look like they just saw the swampy girl from The Ring crawl onto the court. This injury has made me very grateful for the fact that I have never in my life been able to jump more than two inches off the ground.

Yet somehow, despite the fact that his bone was sticking out of his leg, Ware's only concern was yelling at his teammates to win the game. This is fairly remarkable considering if that had been me I would have been more concerned with the fact that my bone was STICKING OUT OF MY LEG. Actually, more than likely I would have been passed out. I mean the very act of watching the video makes me a little light-hea... *head smashes onto desk*

Anyway, so Louisville had a lot to play for. Which made it surprising that for most of the first half of Monday's game, they were dominated by some freshman named Spike Albrecht, who I'm pretty sure is descended from leprechauns.

Despite being a short, white ginger person – traits that generally do not bode well for people trying to play the sport of basketball – Albrecht went absolutely bonkers.

But then Louisville countered with Luke Hancock, an equally vanilla white person. Before you knew it the game was just a duel of white people jacking up three-pointers from wherever the hell they wanted in a unathletic display of YMCA pick-up ball that would have made the 1920s proud.

Eventually the other players also got into the groove of things, and all of a sudden they were doing very springy-type things that required the ability to jump.

  
 Louisville eventually fulfilled the last, dying wish of Kevin Ware's shin bone and won the game. But I don't think there were really losers in this game. While he may have lost the game, Spike Albrecht is now a living legend. And what do you do when you you are suddenly a cult hero? You tweet at hot babes, that's what you do. 
 
I like this kid's moxie. They were still cleaning confetti off the gym floor and he is asking out one of the hottest women on the planet. He didn't even start with hot chicks from Michigan or B-list celebs, he went straight for a swimsuit model. You would think this probably won't work, but then again I really didn't think this would work either:



Then finally, there is Peyton Siva's dad. Peyton Siva is one of the best players on Louisville's team. Peyton Siva's dad is a large, formerly drug-addled Samoan person who wore a homemade high school pep rally-style sleeveless T-shirt as he joyfully cheered on his son. It was magical:


I think we can all agree he should become the new mascot for the Cardinals. Heck he should become the mascot for college basketball. He may be my spirit animal.