Friday, July 12, 2013

Party in the USA

I'm a little ashamed of my country right now. Yes, I know we just came off Fourth of July weekend, a time when I normally couldn't be prouder to be an American as we all bask in the glory of gluttonous amounts of barbecue, cheap beer and illegal explosives.

But then I saw that some people have put in a petition to the White House to change the national anthem from “Star Spangled Banner,” to – I kid you not – Miley Cyrus' “Party in theUSA.”

Now, let's be clear, people put all sorts of weird petitions into the White House. Heck, at one point someone from Colorado tried to petition the building of a Death Star, which of course prompted an equally hilarious response by the White House (though I would add I still think a planet-destroying death satellite would not even crack the Top 10 stupidest projects the U.S. government has ever sponsored).

So don't expect Roseanne to mangle her way through “Party in the USA” before the Super Bowl just yet, since the petition only has about 1,000 of the 100,000 required signatures. But still, the fact that this petition exists means we seriously need to take a deep, hard, long look in the mir
ror at ourselves America.

First though, I want to get something out of the way. Do not take this to in any way mean I don't like “Party in the USA.” I love that song way more than any grown man reasonably should, and whenever it comes on I tend to sing it off-tune, with the volume directly corresponding to the amount of alcohol I have in my system at the time. In fact, somewhere out there are several cell phone videos of me singing this song in the back of a car that will inevitably surface should I ever choose to run for public office.

But with that said, “Party in the USA” should not be the national anthem. Sure it is easier to dance to; I mean have you ever tried to dance to “Star Spangled Banner?” I never know what my hips are supposed to be doing during “and the rockets red glare.” Sure it's easier to sing, judging by the countless people who royally screw it up. I mean who the heck says “oer” anyway?

But the reason “Party in the USA” shouldn't be the national anthem is... is... OK this is awkward. I may have just talked myself into this idea. Actually now that I think about it, how great would it be watching someone like Alicia Keys have to sing “and the Jay-Z song was OOONN!”

I mean just look at the lyrics:
“I hopped off the plane at L.A.X. with a dream and my cardigan”

Now if that doesn't describe the true American journey I don't know what does. I also don't really know what a cardigan is, but that's not the point.

The point is, this needs to become reality, and we need to take steps towards this ultimate goal. So write a letter to your Congress person. Email news channels. Tweet at Miley and tell her to do away with whatever the heck you call her hairdo right now. With your help, we will succeed, and we will put our hands up because they are playing our song.

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