Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The baby is coming, the baby is coming!

Now for obvious reasons, I don't like to quote Justin Bieber unless I am yelling at airport security to “keep your hands off my monkey!” But just for today I think it's only fair we let the Biebs announce the big news!

Justin: “Baby, baby, baby OOOOOHH like baby, baby, baby OOOOHHH baby, baby...

OK thanks Justin I think we get the picture. So as you've probably heard, yesterday Kate Middleton and Prince Harry/Charles/William had a royal -

Justin: “Baby, baby, baby OOOOOHHH-”

Yes, yes thank you Justin. Anyway, yes they had a baby. And the collective world lost its s**t.

And frankly, that pissed me off a bit. Our forefathers did not shoot British soldiers with rusty pellets so they could listen to some person with a British accent dribble on about the goings-on of the royal hoo-has. I already described how disgusted I was with all the coverage of the royal wedding, so I really was not looking forward to all the media coverage of this child.

It would be one thing if this baby actually were going to inherit any actual power, but other than the power to cause British paparazzi to poop themselves, nobody in the royal family has any power. Yet, here was CNN devoting full coverage to it. And I mean full coverage. At one point they showed a random woman giving birth as part of their coverage:

You would have thought nobody had ever given birth to a child before, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure China alone flushed 1 million yesterday.

But then of course, the moment actually came, and the royal offspring cameth forward:

...And I still didn't care. In fact, I'm still not convinced there was an actual baby born. I have not seen pictures of it, thanks to this crazy new “pay for baby pictures” thing famous people are doing now-a-days. The only member of the royal family I would pay to see naked is still Pippa.

Like most bad things in this world, I blame all this baby-mania on the Kardashians. This whole baby excitement peaked with the birth summoning of Kimye's child demon-spawn, which they promptly named North West in an effort to ensure she is a unique individual gets teased in school and grows up to be a stripper.

So of course, the next big thing is: What do we name the royal family's little stinker? Now I didn't know we named British royalty. I thought you just added more roman numerals onto the end of his name, like Henry XIII, Pope John Paul II, or RGIII.

But apparently we do have to name his royal poopiness. Now I don't know what Prince Charles/Harry/William's last name is, so we're going to pretend the baby's last name is Middleton. So here are some names to ensure he and North West can one day marry each other and join the royal rich and spoiled families of our respective continents:
  • Stuckinthe Middleton
  • Rightdownthe Middleton
  • Monkeyinthe Middleton
  • Upthe Middleton
  • And my personal favorite: Carlton Middleton
I'm just really worried about what all this media coverage could mean for this poor kid. I mean, what happens when they televise his circumcision? I mean, that could make the doctor nervous, and one wrong snip while working down there and –

Justin: "Baby, baby, baby NOOOOOOO"


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