Thursday, October 10, 2013


I awoke the other morning to find out that something essential to the function of this country, something very near and dear to me and something that I could never imagine living without was no longer working: my toilet.

You see, a water main broke near my apartment complex, leaving about 200 units without water as we share one porta-potty. Oh, and speaking of things that are full of s***, the U.S. Government stopped working last week too.

Now like most Americans, I really have a very shallow understanding of why the government shut down. Seriously though, if someone can explain it to me in very simple terms (preferably using pictures and pop-up books) I would appreciate it.

But I think it's safe to say it has something to do with the one fact that always stops the government from getting a lot of things done: It is run by idiots. Basically, the House (run by Republicans) passed a bill that the Senate (run by Democrats) does not want. Ipso facto bing bam snap crackle pop:


So who is at fault? It is really hard to say. So I say we blame this on Miley Cyrus. The media thinks everything these days is the fault of Miley Cyrus and her twerking, including (but not limited to): degradation of American values, teenage pregnancy and Breaking Bad ending.

But enough about why the government shut down, we must now get to the important issue: Figuring out if we (as in “I”) care. The lazy, wise-ass answer would be to say, “Well, it's not like the government does anything normally.” So that is what I am going to stick with, because I am a lazy wise-ass.

But in all seriousness, Congress-persons are still getting paid, but hundreds of thousands of federal workers aren't and many federal services will not be running as long as the government remains shut down. So my plan is to become a Congress-person so I no longer have to care about things like the government shutting down because I didn't do my job.

But I'm still not old enough to run for Congress, so in the meantime we have to get to the heart of the issue that caused this government shutdown which is at this moment unbeknownst to me. But I do have inside sources, and I am being told there are people on the inside hard at work at resolving this delicate situation:

Oh well it's not like this government shut down is really affecting me. Hah! Take that Nobel Prize winners!

Wait what? You're telling me breweries can't distribute more beer during the shutdown? OK this is starting to get serious now. Oh no, I need to check, oh no they didn't... They shut down PANDA CAM!!!!

Nobody shuts down panda cam without consequences. So I am urging Congress to come together and reach a solution. I am planning on doing this the only way I know how: Getting really drunk and then yelling/sobbing into a phone. That way, we can re-open national parks across this great country of ours. And then toss John Boehner into Old Faithful.

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