Search For the Holy Google

So I was doing some upkeep on the site recently when something took me by surprise. Normally, traffic on the site is really slow in between my posts, but for some reason I had over 40 visitors yesterday. My first thought was that I had accidentally posted embarrassing pictures of myself. But luckily I checked the data and it showed that all of the people were just looking at my most recent note on a gazing healer named Braco. (And just in case you have seen the photos: no, I don’t know if it is safe to do that with a squeegee and yes, that badger is trained.)

Anyway, the reason that particular post became so popular is that a lot of people have been Googling Braco (that sounds dirty, or a great band name), and my blog kept coming up apparently. Now, I’m not naïve to think that everybody that visits my site intended to. Most of them made a mistake, and all of them regret it. But I’m not complaining. In fact, many websites and blogs try to use keywords or phrases that will make them pop up in Google searches. That is why you will often see me subtly mixing in oft-searched terms like “Twilight,” “how the hell do you use a bidet,” “naked pictures of Lindsay Lohan,” “how long does pot stay in your pee,” “making meth in your basement for dummies,” “where do lizards keep their reproductive organs,” etc.

Google is very interesting like that. It truly is a remarkable technology that enables anybody from anywhere in the world to simply type in a few keywords and, with a simple click of the mouse, get pictures of naked people. I mean, you could Google “mother teresa nuns sesame street” and you would get pictures of naked people. The sites and pictures that show up on Google almost never have anything to do with what you were searching for.

So this got me interested in what searches were leading people to my site. Now don’t worry, I can tell what searches led to my site, but not who performed the search. So your privacy is safe, unless Google sells all that stuff to the Chinese or something. And it is probably a very good thing all this stuff is secret, because you people out there Google some very disturbing things. All I am going to say is that the word “semen” appeared in over a dozen searches. Now, for those of you pointing out the fact that searching “semen” leads to my site makes me the sick one, you are missing the point. The point is that you almost never get what you want from Googling things.

For instance, the most read post of all time on my site is the one I did on philosophy. The main reason for this is that apparently there are a lot of nervous philosophy majors out there who have no idea what to do with themselves. So a lot of them end up on the site by Googling things like “what do I do with a philosophy major?” This sucks for them, because I never answer that question in the post (mainly because nobody knows the answer). Through the searches, you can actually trace what happens to a philosophy major in college (and I swear I am not making any of these up):

• “I’m good at philosophy for some reason”
• “how do you know you should be a philosophy major”
• “what courses should I take with my phil major”
• “what do you learn in upper division philosophy”
• “Confused in my philosophy class”
• “I don’t like my philosophy class”
• “I hate my philosophy class”
• “Don’t do philosophy”
• “Philosophy degree is ridiculous”
• “People’s reaction to my philosophy degree”
• “Next destination depression”

I’ve listed a few of the other interesting search terms that led people to this website, and I promise I am not making any of them up, and I left the spelling as it was. Frankly, I have no idea how I would even be able to make them up. Some of them are so weird you wonder how the heck the searcher came up with them, much less felt the need to Google them. I’m still not sure which is worse, these searches or the fact that my site popped up for all of them. Anyway, here goes:

• “Bacon saddlebags”
• “My philosophy is don’t think” – Okay I can see how this one led to me.
• “Glasses make me look sexy” – This one too.
• “The back of my toe hurts”
• “What does mitch bade mean?” – I get a lot of these. Mitch Bade is actually a term used by rapper Techn9ne as a replacement for b**ch made.
• “looks good” “stupid glasses” “car commercial”
• “love Canada”
• “Can’t believe it butter (fire retardation)” – From my experience, butter is actually very flammable.
• “Buckle up and bunker down”
• “Why doesn’t david caruso make eye contact?”
• “Casa bonita if rape Disneyland”
• “Chimp can you hear me now”
• “Counter argument for love is in the air”
• “CSI semen funny” – Well thank god someone else thinks it is.
• “Dude where’s my car and philosophy”
• “Face contorting”
• “Gas hydrates”
• “Facial hair t-shirts philosophy” – If you don’t get why these go together, you have clearly never had a philosophy class.
• “Geriatric sibling rivalry”
• “Glee cast member plays connect four”
• “Horny photo”
• “I am looking for a job egg farm in abbotsford” – Not to be a downer, but I think you need to be a little less picky when you are looking for jobs.
• “Is she dirty blogspot”
• “Mad scientist birthday ideas”
• “Joe jonas + glasses”
• “Mitch the Barbie” – As it turns out, they don’t make one. But they should. It could be the next hot Christmas gift every child wants.
• “Mande Mitchell tranny movies” – Hey, I was working my way through college.
• “Semen on figure blogspot”
• “Reword the prompt”
• “Roofies”
• “Sememn everywhere in CSI”
• “Sexist jokes” – I can’t express how proud I am that this search leads to my site.
• “Spell booh-yah”
• “Where to buy butter bear”
• “Trebek quotations for soccer”
• “What can I do with my philosophy ma” – Learn to finish words would be my first suggestion.
• “Wog”
• “A little pitchy dawg t-shirt”
• “Alex trebek is not smug”
• “Alex trebek smug” – Clearly this person had no luck with the previous search.
• “Black greek sandals”
• “Barbie face sobing”
• “Barbie.com kicing”
• “I can’t beleve it’s beer” – Judging by your spelling, I can.
• “I’m on a high horse tonight”

And, drum-roll please, my all-time favorite:

• “once justin beiber hits puberty he’ll be able to grease his hair with his own…”

That’s how it ends. I’m not sure if this person was hoping somebody would finish that sentence for them. Feel free to finish that sentence in the comments section, so this person can find what they are looking for. After all, isn’t that the point of Google?