Saturday, November 26, 2011

Black-eye Friday

It's that time of year again! When everybody - regardless of race, religion or background – comes together and in a show of true holiday spirit, proceed to trample over elderly women and children. That's right, it's Black Friday! The time of year where people spread holiday cheer in the form of pepper spray.

As you can tell, I'm being sarcastic. I think Black Friday encompasses everything that is wrong with America: corporate greed, irresponsible spending, shopping malls and Martha Stewart. Have we forgotten Marth Stewart is a convicted felon? She spent months in a prison learning how to make shanks out of toothbrushes, she should not be selling kitchen knife sets on television.

Now I'm not sure why they call it Black Friday, but I'm assuming it has something to do with all of the funerals for the poor souls who were killed in the noble quest for cheap coffee makers. I personally avoid Black Friday. Do you know why? Because people do crazy s**t like this on Black Friday. (And why does the witness keep saying “like?” Is she 13?).

I personally do not like crowds, do not like shopping and do not like bodily injury, so it should be fairly obvious I do not like Black Friday. I remember my family used to go to a large mall on Oahu after spending Thanksgiving with our family, and I hated it. There was a line for everything, including the bathroom, which was really the only place in the entire mall I wanted to go. It was like Disney Land, but at least at Disney Land you could buy cotton candy.

What's worse is Black Friday is now somehow overtaking Thanksgiving itself. Stores are now opening at midnight, which means people are lining up as early as the Wednesday before Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving is about spending quality time with your football... err I mean your food... err family. Yeah that's the one. It's about family, not waiting in the cold outside of a Best Buy. Unless your whole family is waiting with you, in which case you may just have a strange family. Or you may be homeless.

I still don't see what the big deal about Black Friday is. They just convince you to buy a whole bunch of stuff you don't need just because it's cheap. I once had a friend who bought like five caps on Black Friday. Sure, I've almost never seen this particular friend wear caps, but heck, they were cheap! Do you see me buying women's underwear just because it is on sale? No (I think), because I don't need it (mostly).

So as usual, I have a proposal. I say we let women continue to beat the crap out of each other over Ugg boots and create a holiday for men: Blackout Friday. On Blackout Friday, bars across the nation would have great sales and open their doors early for men desperate to escape their weird family members and shopping crazy women. Now that's something I would line up for.