Sunday, January 29, 2012

Trvial Pursuit

As anybody could tell you, I am pretty much a genius. And like any finely tuned instrument of perfection, my brain occasionally needs some honing. Which is why I decided to head to Trivia Night at a local bar.

Okay, so maybe the cheap pitchers of beer also had something to do with it. Okay, maybe the cheap pitchers of beer had a lot to do with it. Frankly, I consider it sort of like resistance training. If I can answer questions hammered, imagine how smart I will be when (if) I think sober!

And so me and three friends went out a few Wednesdays ago and decided to give trivia night a try. I'm not sure what their reasons were, but I'm assuming they were not as noble as mine. They were probably there because it was an excuse to drink on a weekday. Whereas I don't need an excuse, because I'm a journalist.

In fact it really does surprise me that I hadn't been to a trivia night before this. I love dropping random facts and breaking them out in conversations at parties to show how classy and highbrow I am. For instance, did you know that dung beetles can roll 50 times their own weight in poop? Being a journalist, I unfortunately know way too many completely irrelevant facts that scare off regular people faster than monogamy scares off Newt Gingrich.

Anyway, three of us were trivia night rookies and the fourth member of our team had only been to one or two, and for some odd reason she didn't quite seem to remember exactly what happened at those past trivia nights. So we didn't exactly have high expectations for ourselves, unless you are talking about blood alcohol content.

Also working against us was the fact that three out of the four team members were women.

Now before you get mad at me, I am not saying women are dumber than men. They know lots of stuff about clothes and science and their mother's birthdays that we men rarely bother to learn. But most of that is useless in trivia at bars, which tend to revolve around certain subjects that men are quite fond of. Namely the three Bs: balls, boobs and bellies (as in sports, politicians and food).

Sure enough, the first category was all about sports, and it was sort of downhill from there. I mean, who in the world actually knows what Jay-Z's real last name is? The only teams winning were either those with “quiz” cleverly worked into their team name or teams that in some way referenced intercourse with Tim Tebow. May I also say that those teams were checking the time on their smart phones a lot, if you catch my drift.

Also, we had to deal with a distraction no other team had to deal with, namely a drunk homeless person who kept coming up to our table insisting on seeing girls' IDs because he was convinced they were too young to be drinking. He said he owned the bar, but considering he was dressed like the only thing he owned was a shopping cart I highly doubt this. Then again if I owned a bar, I would be drunk and wandering around talking to hot women all night too.

So we didn't exactly win. But we will be back, and we will win one category. Of course it does not help with our research that Wikipedia keeps randomly blacking out, since that is the only place I get any of my information. Why did Wikipedia shut down? I have no idea, since normally I would go on Wikipedia to find out.

But regardless of the obstacles, I have every confidence that we will be back smarter than ever. Because as General Eisenhower once said while charging up Gettsyburg Hill to win World War II against the Iraqis, “Those who don't know history are doomed to drink pitchers in shame.”