Sunday, April 22, 2012

Draw Something Ugly

It's time that we take a look at the smart phone app that is sweeping the nation faster than a case of syphilis in the Hilton household. That's right, it's Draw Something! For those of you who haven't ever tried it out, you basically send a drawing of a word to your friend, who then has to guess what the word is based on your truly horrible artistic rendering.

Sure, you hear all these stories about people who apparently could paint the Sistine Chapel on Draw Something. But do you know what all those people have in common (aside from way too much time on their hands)? They are all cheating. I don't know how, I don't know why, but they are cheating somehow. Maybe they are using iPads or those special pens. Maybe they know a really tiny person whose fingers actually fit on an iPhone screen.

Because let's be honest, most of your drawings looks like somebody attached a thick marker to the butt of a three-legged weasel stuck in a cage full of African killer bees. There is a reason most people do not draw with their fingers past the first grade. It's like performing brain surgery with a butcher knife and a sledgehammer.

Then of course, you have the people I play with (not to give away their identities, but “twin” is involved in their usernames). Now their drawing is far from bad. The weird thing is, they almost never draw. They apparently got the memo that the game is called “Write Something,” because that is normally what they do. Sometimes they try to draw it and then give up:

And then sometimes, they just say “F**k it.”

But the funniest part is trying to watch them (and one of them in particular) try to spell words when it's their turn to guess. For instance, using artistically accurate and descriptive stick figures, I attempted to draw the word “macarena.” Now, she got the word, but as the letters went up, you could tell she had absolutely no idea how to spell it. First she tried “macerana,” then “macarane,” and then for some inexplicable reason tried about five different variations that involved the letter “Q.” (She also thinks there is a “U” in Kirby.)

Now, I'm not being condescending, because I would probably write out all the words too if anybody could read my handwriting. I am probably the worst Draw Something player in the world. I make refrigerator art look like it should be in a glass case at the Louvre. For instance, can you guess what this is?

It's supposed to be Aladdin, but I think we can all agree it looks a lot more like the monkey he hung out with.

I think if there was ever a word that did not describe me, it would be “artistic.” My mom and my sister can paint and draw and are very “right brained,” where I would be more accurately described as “no brained.” I was that kid in kindergarten who all the teachers worried about because in art class I could never color inside the lines and I always chose to draw landscapes involving colors that never appear naturally in nature, such as neon orange. Also, I never drew clothes on any of the people in my pictures.

I actually did win a drawing contest called “Sight Is Beautiful,” when I was in kindergarten, proof beauty truly is in the eyes of the beholder, and those beholders are clearly idiots. I think they let me win because they assumed I was retarded, since I swear I drew one of my fish half purple, half gray with blue stripes and green fins. (I apparently was very intent on using every single marker in my “LSD Crayola” starter pack.)

So obviously my name will never be alongside the likes of Leonardo, Rafael, Donatello and Michelangelo as an artist (or as ninja turtle). In fact, I got kicked out of an art museum once for sitting down on what I thought was a bench that actually turned out to be a very expensive piece of art. So I will instead settle for sharing my splotchy caveman-like portraits with people I force to play Draw Something with me. At least now that I have unlocked the “beach” color packet, I can now draw the pictures of myself that I really want to...

Sunday, April 15, 2012

That Sinking Feeling


So apparently today marks the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. As hard as it is to believe, there are actually people who still don't know that Titanic was a real thing, and not just a really, really long and depressing movie. I'm assuming these people ate lots of lead paint when they were growing up.
Anyway, the Titanic was a real ship, and after it sank over 1,000 people died freezing and cold in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, which I can only imagine must be one of the worst ways to die. Apparently back before global warming there were large, hostile blocks of ice just randomly floating around in the middle of the ocean, and apparently they were very ninja because the Titanic just sort of rammed into it.
It then proceeded to sink, because as it turns out boats are supposed to keep the water on the outside. Speaking of boats, the reason so many people died on the Titanic is because they did not have enough lifeboats on board for everybody. This part especially confuses me. They took the time to put in a pool on the ship but they couldn't find the time to load a few more canoes onto it?
But of course most of you already know the story, because you have seen the movie Titanic, starring Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio's hair gel. One of the most successful movies of all time, director James Cameron wanted the movie to depict the tragedy of human loss. He did this by having Celine Dion sing as people were falling off the ship and thumping off giant propellers. I mean, I like that song and all but -
Celine: “You'll stAAAAAAY forEEEEEEEEver this w-”
Stop it Celine I was talking! Anyway, what I was trying to say is that song plays all the time during the movie. And speaking of things that go on and on, the movie is really long. In fact, it takes more time to watch the movie than it did for the actual ship to sink.
But anyway, with the anniversary coming up, Hollywood decided that the best way to make gobs and gobs of money pay tribute to those who were lost at sea on that tragic day was to re-release Titanic, but this time in: 3D! Imagine how much better the movie will be this time with dorky glasses on your face. The water would come rushing right at you, the pieces of ice would go flying past you, Leonardo's cheek bones will be jutting off the screen. I'm also wondering what 3-D will do during the portrait scene. I mean th-
Celine: “You are sAAAAAAAAAfe in my heart a-”
Dammit Celine! Now where was I... So yeah, I don't think I'm going to go and see this movie, mainly because it's expensive to go to 3D movies. Besides, watching people have sex in a car while on a boat? That's just too confusing. If I want to watch things sink I'll just read about the Greek economy.
Speaking of things that are sinking, the Titanic is still sitting down there at the bottom of the ocean where I'm sure giant squids are gnawing on Jack Dawson's frozen corpse. It really is a far cry from the luxury cruise liner it was supposed to be. But now, with a movie, the memory of that ship truly will...
Uh Celine? That was your cue. These Canadians are so darn unrel-
Celine: “go on and OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON”

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Going Gaga for Google

It's been awhile since I last looked through my website's traffic stats, so I figured now would be a great time for another installment of "Random crap people Google that leads them to my site." I did one of these a little over a year ago, and the results were very disturbing. I have never been more disappointed in humanity since I found out Real World is still on TV.

This time around was no different. You people Google some sick, twisted and vile things, and all of them led to my site. I mean seriously, I had over 500 searches with "semen" somehow involved. Some other popular subjects included subliminal sex messages in Disney movies and the staring healer Braco.

So without further ado, I give you the cream of the crap, the best of the worst, the Lohan of all Lindsays. As usual, I left the spelling the way it was, and I swear I am not making any of them up, and I'm not entirely sure how some of them led to my site.
  • "headshots of handsome men" - Okay so I get how this one led to me.
  • "group of women around man" - This one too.
  • "the best handsome man ever" - OK stop it people, you're making me blush.
  • "ice dispenser weird noises"
  • "espn weird hair"
  • "butterbeer for migraines"
  • "how many people have searched mother theresa naked" - Proof Google can find naked pictures of just about anybody.
  • "hindenburg interpretive hula"
  • "hot canadian women" - I mean, sure.
  • "hot little midget women" - OK maybe stick with the Canadians.
  • "party rubber slippers" - That's how we do it in Hawaii.
  • "rave wear in Hawaii" - See above.
  • "patriotic stupid"
  • "eating caviar"
  • "ancient greek t shirts"
  • "get out of my dreams get into my car prostitute?" - Apparently Charlie Sheen has a new pick-up line
  • "can i give blood if i'm hungover" - I mean, I guess you can.
  • "blood squirting during phlebotomy" - But this is probably what will happen.
  • "high school classroom thongs" - Apparently high school has gotten better since I left.
  • "cheech and chong nice dreams pot field."
  • "how high horse am i" - Very, say would I.
  • "hyenas in colorado" - This scares the s**t out of me.
  • "hawaii cold spell 2011" - But not as much as this.
  • "miss usa is stupid"
  • "'burp' blog"
  • "'play strip golf'"
  • "america my dream photo"
  • "environmental puns about love" - I want to hug your tree?
  • "mother earth is mad" - Nah, this one is better.
  • "i hate my yorkie" - Trust me, we all do.
  • "how to make meth for dummies" - It's called Breaking Bad OnDemand.
  • "triker gang" - What would a triker gang do?
  • "tricycle ran over my toe" - Oh...
  • "lebanese beard"
  • "orangutang beard"
  • "johnny weir swimming"
  • "kitten eaten by zombie photo"
  • "cast of people in insanity infomercial"
  • "celebs who wear barefoot sandals."
  • "barefoot nerdy girls" - Well, somebody has a foot fetish.
  • "amish women barefoot" - OK now you've gone too far.
  • "lion king snuggie"
  • "us pageant sexy most student answer"
  • "walking dead star trek" - Holy crap, this is actually genius. Somebody get on this. I mean, zombies and aliens can't fail right? Right?
  • "mufasa vs king Richard" - Another possible movie mash-up.
  • "teen boy bands formal dress down outfits"
  • "man in hopeless place"
  • "man out of hopeless place"
  • "man thinking on rock"
  • "as a philosophy major+depression+blog" - Story of my life.
  • "casa bonita dog food" - The world's most succinct and accurate restaurant review.
  • "british fancy hats look stupid" - Yes, they do.
  • "bride doing keg stand" - Frankly this is how I would pick out my wife.
  • "can i mix beer and cream soda" - I mean you could...
  • "gray colored drinks drinken" - ...But this is probably what will happen.
  • "arrow kill zombie" - Cavemen hate zombies too.
  • "walking dead pichers"
  • "two and a half brain" - Judging by your syntax, I would say that's about two and a half more than you have.
  • "big mitch george of the jungle."
  • "where the hell that come from" - I swear that's all it said.
  • "alex trebec is he still alive" - Sadly.
  • "balloon arch how to"
  • "women popping balloon columns"
  • "spicy food mitch would like" - Aww, somebody is making me curry.
  • "shane fat people can save your life"
  • "when is black eye Friday" - Not sure that's a thing.
  • "bitch made jiltt" - Know that's not a thing.
  • "i've only been pepper-sprayed five times" - And we are all so very proud of you.
  • "dead of the dead ballerinas"
  • "building pyramids with protesting slaves game"
  • "why are the egyptians mad" - Cause their dang slaves keep protesting.
  • "csi taught me everything is covered in semen" - Fact.
  • "what if csi doesn't find criminal" - Won't happen, because there is always semen.
  • "tranny movies blogspot" - Nothing to see here...
  • "i kicked the couch and now my toe hurts and is burning, what is that?" - I don't know, maybe a kidney stone?
  • "what is mean by toe" - Like I said, not a doctor.
  • "i got frostbite on my toe, hurts" - Oh how silly of me, it was probably frostbite.
  • "tim tebow tebowing" - Say that five times fast.
  • "how did tebow ask her prom date" - See above.
  • "tebow god help me tom brady i'm busy"
  • "tebow molested philipino children"
  • "tim tebow greatest living human being" - I don't know, have you seen the previous searches?
  • "does kris humphries have a degree" - Yes, an MRS degree.

And finally, maybe the grossest, creepiest, sickest, and yet at the same time most practical and pressing question ever asked in the history of mankind:

  • "can cum stain get you out of jury duty"

As any good CSI will tell you, that depends on where the stain is.