Friday, November 28, 2014

Dinosaurs vs Aliens

As Americans all over America were being very American and stuffing their faces with various foods and smashing each other over the heads with discounted toasters, some big movie news dropped. That's right, they are making a Grumpy Cat movie.

Amid the nation's my all of the excitement over a cat in a Santa hat, there were two other pretty big movie trailers released this week. Trailers for both Jurassic Park and Star Wars: The Force Awakens came out and the Internet got really excited. Like, way more excited than it did about Kim Kardashian's butt, probably because -- unlike Kim Kardashian's butt -- there was a bit of mystery and intrigue surrounding these movies. Both of these projects had been under wraps for years with no footage anywhere to be found. Unlike Kim Kardashian's butt.

But the trailers are finally here, and now we only have to wait a few more months before -- wait, Jurassic World isn't coming out until JUNE? Star Wars is coming out in DECEMBER? So now what are we supposed to do? Just sit here on the Internet and come up with wild theories and conspiracies based on two minutes of footage?

You bet that's what we're going to do! Let's start with Jurassic World, the sequel to the awesome Jurassic Park we all really deserved. Now I'm not saying Lost World and Jurassic Park III were bad movies. I'm just saying that at least one of those movies featured Vince Vaughn.

At this point, all of the characters from the first movie have either been constantly telling people nothing will ever get them onto those dino-infested islands right before they end up on those dino-infested islands or they were eaten alive after uttering really cool lines:

So it's about time we get a reboot. Roll the tape!

0:10: "If something chases you, run." That is solid advice right there. People don't follow this simple strategy often enough in horror movies. Props to mother-of-the-year candidate Judy Greer right there.

0:35: It's about damn time they used a train on this island. The whole experiment with the really colorful SUVs didn't work out that well last time. It's a lot harder to toss a train into a tree.

0:52: OK, I know what I just said about trying to avoid vehicles with wheels, but I also do not think the smartest way to get around a dinosaur park is to put people in what looks like a giant cat toy.

1:02: I guess they got tired of feeding the dinosaurs with various forms of livestock. Now we will feed whatever this thing is shark. It must be Japanese.

1:08: HOLY S*** that was awesome! I bet this is the park's most popular attraction. Or at least it will be until the Blackfish producers have to go and make us feel all guilty about it.

1:20: I know there were dinosaurs and stuff, but if I lived back in that time period I would definitely be most concerned about the bugs. Look at the size of that mosquito. One bite and you die of blood loss.

1:30: GMO dinosaurs! I wonder if they require special labeling at Whole Foods.

1:36: Chris Pratt does not think your Frankensteinosaurus is a good idea. He'd rather hang with talking raccoons and trees. Also, I like the vest. It pays homage to the franchises long, distinguished line of bad-ass hunters in vests and really short khaki shorts who really want to just shoot those stupid dinosaurs in the face:

Except Chris Pratt needs a hat.

1:55: Bloody cleaved work helmets? Concerned Chris Pratt? Creepy slow piano version of the Jurassic Park theme?!? I am IN.

1:58: The Asian guy almost got blood on his iWatch.

2:11: Hey look, the kid is running! Just like his mommy told him to! #Parenting

2:12: "RUN!" OK yeah we get it lady.

2:24: Velociraptors and  a motorcycle chase. This movie better win a freaking Oscar.

Well even though it was only 2 minutes long, that preview actually told us a lot. The park reopens, because #YOLO. Something goes wrong, because science. People start dying, because dinosaurs. Chris Pratt will save the day while seducing the redhead and riding a motorcycle, because Chris Pratt.

Now let's go to the Star Wars trailer. I'm not exactly sure what roman numeral we are on, because at one point we went backwards but now we are going forward again from the first one and whatever. Let's just get to the trailer.

0:21: So we're almost halfway through this trailer, and all I have learned is there was some mumbling and a lot of sand. That's not a good start. For all I know this could be a remake of the Prince of Persia.

0:22: A black stormtrooper. The Evil Empire has finally gotten behind diversity hiring. Although it appears they have left this particular affirmative action hire stranded in the desert. That seems like an HR complaint waiting to happen.

0:30: Why is there a soccer ball in this movie?

Or wait, could it be?? WILSON!!!

0:46: Drag racing x-wings on the water. I can dig that. I think we're due for another installment in the Fast and the Furious franchise.

0:55: So the new light saber looks cool, but I give this guy five minutes before he accidentally cuts his thumb off with the laser hilt.

1:00: Finally! The Millenium Falcon! The Star Wars music! Things I can actually associate with, you know, Star Wars.

That's it? that was an awful trailer. I still have no idea what this movie is about at all. There were more black blank screens before scenes in that preview than actual, you know, scenes.

I know a lot of people out there are really pumped for this new Star Wars, but I just am not one of them. I am way more excited about the prospect of large dinosaurs eating people.

In fact, since they have more than a bloody year before the Star Wars movie comes out, they should put some dinosaurs in it. Everything is better with dinosaurs eating people. Except Kim Kardashian's butt.