All a Twitter

I am now officially a traitor and a hypocrite. I’m worse than Benedict Arnold, Judas, Brutus, and that fat guy from Jurassic Park rolled into one. I have started a Twitter page for this site. That’s right, me, a self-respecting journalism major (notice “self” respecting, very few others respect me as a journalism student) is now on Twitter, one of the downfalls of journalism as we know it. I am more of a disgrace to my fellow journalists than Sean Penn is to his fellow chimpanzees.

No matter how many more good things I do with my life, when I stand before the gates of heaven, I will be denied entrance solely because of this sin. In addition of course to having watched the Jonas Brothers 3-D Concert, throwing a Bible into a dumpster once, swearing at my teachers, drinking excessively, cheering for the Jacksonville Jaguars, yelling at small children, pissing in public, listening to Barry Manilow, voting for Joe Biden, lying to a priest, cheating on an exam, betting on preseason hockey, buying sweatshop sewn shoes, kicking dogs, drawing the prophet Mohammed with crayons in the first grade and constantly making fun of minorities, rednecks, handicapped people, women, and Tim Tebow. That’s right; I finally give in to all of you who think that Tebow is the second coming of Jesus. Although you would think that if he were godly he would be able to throw a spiral without looking like a retard and beat a bunch of inbreds from Alabama. See there I go again, I couldn’t go five seconds before I made fun of rednecks, handicapped people, and Tim Tebow in the same sentence.

Okay wow, let’s see if we can recover from that tangent. What were we talking about? Twitter? Why? Oh that’s right; I sold my soul to the devil. So maybe I’m overreacting a bit, sort of how like how Charlie Sheen has a bit of a drug problem. It’s just that for so long I have been critical of Twitter and all of the babbling idiots who use it. I mean, I really don’t need to know what Oprah is putting in her fifth sandwich of the day. I figured that I would become a respectable journalist, writing stories and drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes and looking very journalist-like until I died of lung cancer like all of the other respectable journalists.

But if you have ever sat in a journalism class today, you are instantly aware that this will not happen. For one thing, they reminded me that I do not smoke or drink coffee. But the only thing we talk about in journalism classes are how journalism is dying. We might as well be taking a class on witch-burning. So in my panicked state, I chose to start up a blog and Twitter site, two things I vowed I would die before I did (the others were watch an episode of Gossip Girl and have to use a catheter, so I guess 50 percent isn’t that bad). I figured if it came down to a question of money or morals, I didn’t have morals to begin with so I might as well make some money.

Besides, my Twitter page is just a shameless promotion of my site, so that makes it okay. I mainly use it to put links to the sites and occasionally make jokes about Canadians. It’s not like I’m Ashton Kutcher and I think that I am so important that the world needs to know what my pistachio-sized brain is thinking every five minutes. I mean, I can understand people who use Twitter to keep up with their friends and news, but by the looks of this list of the top Twitter sites, that is clearly not the case with most people. I mean, CNN is the only news site in the top 20, and the only things the other 19 contribute to the world are bad movies, bad music, bad TV, and bad health care reform.

Besides, how do you even follow people on Twitter? For those of you who have remained pure and have no idea how Twitter works, Twitter only allows 140 characters per post. This means that posts are composed of some sort of strange language where whole words are never used. Plus the tagging system involves a lot of those # things and @ things and “RT,” whatever that means. For instance, this is one of Ashton’s tweets: “The @mrskutcher vs kevin bacon race is getting tight. pls vote of wifey http://pep.si/CelebChallenge pls rt.” I swear that is what it says, random letter for random letter. The only words in there I understood were “bacon,” “race,” and “tight,” which leads me to believe that this is some sort pig eating contest. So all we can really gather from this is that Ashton Kutcher eats pigs for fun, and PETA should go bomb his house.