"Who Is Alex Trebek?"

So by all appearances, today started like any other Thursday. I woke up at nine, realized I have no job or classes, and went back to sleep for another three hours. But then I realized that today is in fact a joyous day that should be celebrated with smug smiles, pompous arrogance, snide comments, and annoying trivia. That’s right, Alex Trebek turns 70 today!

Yep, everybody’s least favorite TV host is still alive (or for those of you who think he is a robot, operational). Why don’t I like him? For one thing, he is a Canadian and he tries to exploit the elderly by convincing them they are going to die so he can sell them Colonial Penn Life Insurance. But I mostly hate the way that he acts so arrogant on the show. Whenever people get a question wrong he smirks at them and tells them the right answers as if they didn’t what color the sky is. I mean, if he were like a Harvard professor and he wrote and researched all of the questions then he could be all pretentious when people get them wrong. But no, he just reads a card somebody gave him, which only requires the ability to read. Technically you could replace Trebek with a third grader and nobody would notice the drop-off.

Now, it’s not that I don’t like Jeopardy. If for some reason I find myself with nothing to do in the middle of the afternoon (like I forgot to go to my classes again), I often play along with the show. Not that I am any good at the show. On a good day I will get maybe one right, and that’s only because I scream “Who is Shakespeare?” after every single clue I don’t know the answer to and that normally gets me at least one point.

For some reason they never have trivia on anything that I know anything about. For instance, they tend to do a lot of things that involve very highbrow forms of entertainment, like plays and poems and classical music and crucifixion. I am lots of things, and cultured is not one of them. There are monkeys in the San Diego zoo that know more about the fine arts than I do. They also like to do a lot of history and geography, another two of my weak points. I have a habit of assuming that any place that I have never heard of is a city in Brazil that exports cocaine. Which could explain why I thought Rihanna spoke Portugese (I mean, where the hell is Barbados if it isn’t in Brazil?).

Now, if they asked questions about sports or oldies rock then I would be awesome. I remember on one show they had two categories: Body of Music and Great College Coaches. I got every single question right. Okay fine, I got every single “answer” right. You happy now? Geriatric Jeopardy diehards? That’s one thing that always bugged me about the show; that you had to answer in the form of a question. And by the way, does the question have to make sense if the answer is right? I have always wanted to get on the show just so I could answer using the wrong question form.

Alex Trebek: “It’s the number after five.”

Me: “Where is five and three-fifths?”

Alex Trebek: “It’s the main ingredient in pumpkin pie.”

Me: “Who is tofu?”

Alex Trebek: “They invaded Poland to start World War II.”

Me: “Why is PETA?”

Of course, I have acknowledged that I will never get on the show. Not only am I not smart enough, but I am also not boring enough. They always have that part of the show where we find out the interesting lives the contestants lead. And by that I mean “What they do when they venture out of their parents basement to visit the library.” I mean Alex will sit there and genuinely pretend to be interested in the time Janice over here accidentally got the wrong change back from her waiter and … GASP! ... didn’t tell anyone! What a rebel. Also, they would probably kick me off the show for drawing pictures of cows during final jeopardy.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but recently they’ve tried to make the show a lot more hip and happening. The set looks different and even that iconic theme music is now all electric guitarish. The next thing you know, game shows will have models to stand next to the big board and flip over the clues. Wait, what do you mean they’ve already done that? They have models on Deal or No Deal? Wait, on The Price is Right and Wheel of Fortune too? Why the hell am I wasting my time watching Alex Trebek age? I’ll tell you why, and in his honor, I am going to answer in the form of a question. What is a mustache? Wait, you mean he doesn’t have that any more either? Forget this. I’m going to go watch Family Feud.

Lindsay's Jailhouse Blues

It’s been a rough few weeks for celebrities, which means that it has been an awesome few weeks for me. I love watching celebrities’ lives fall apart like feta cheese. Mainly because I hate celebrities. They have tons of money, good looks, yachts, and access to all the good drugs; all things that I do not have. So you can imagine how happy I was when I found out Lindsay Lohan is going to jail today.

Of course, because the legal system in America moves slower than BP’s crisis team, I have completely forgotten what it is that Lindsay actually did to land herself in jail. I mean, aside from the rampant DUIs and drugs. Maybe someone is finally punishing her for Herbie Fully Loaded. No, I’m pretty sure it was the DUIs and the drugs. Apparently she was given a chance to stay out of jail, but she kept missing her alcoholism classes. Although in her defense, she always had good excuses, like she was in Europe drinking and getting kicked out of clubs.

But this is still the California justice system, which is about as tough on celebrity criminals as Fox News is on Republicans. So they tried to give her a second chance and put some sort of anklet on her that is supposed to be able to tell if a person is drinking alcohol. You know what I think? If they have that sort of technology, why don’t they just make a shock collar for alcoholics like the one they try to use on dogs? Whenever the collar detects alcohol, it shocks the person. Sure, I don’t think it works on dogs, but that is because dogs are stupid. Alcoholics are slightly smarter. Plus, even if it doesn’t work, I think it would be entertaining to watch a bunch of people sitting at the bars twitching and seizing randomly.

So anyway, the bracelet of course detected that Lohan drank alcohol. For some reason, this came as a surprise to Lohan, as if it were some sort of conspiracy to get her. I can see how it probably happened. Some person jealous of her fame and emaciated good looks decided to hand her a drink that they told her was “lemonade.” Or she doesn’t know how to read and thought the bottle said “juice” instead of “vodka.” Yet the judge apparently felt that drinking alcohol when you were specifically told not to while wearing a device that is designed to catch you drinking shows a lack of respect for the law. It probably didn’t help that Lohan wrote “f**k you” on her nails during her hearing.

And yet despite all of this, she will probably only spend about twenty of her ninety day sentence in an actual jail and the rest in rehab. Apparently women’s prisons are overcrowded, so non-violent female criminals are released early. This just screams sexism. You never hear about guys getting out of prison early because they can’t fit any more of them. They probably just start making them sleep two to a bed (if they aren’t already). And is nobody else scared that apparently female criminal activity is so rampant that they are overcrowding prisons?

I also don’t get the whole thing where you go to rehab instead of jail for using drugs. They make it seem like addiction to drugs is some sort of involuntary affliction that they were just unlucky to have, like being short. I frankly think jail is a good a place as any to rehab. I mean, they aren’t supposed to be doing drugs in there, right?

I think we should let me be in charge of prisons. I have a brilliant idea that would solve a lot of problems. We would take an entire state that nobody is using at the moment (Kansas comes to mind), and build a huge wall around it. We then proceed to make that state one big prison state. Regardless of what crime you commit or what gender you are, you get sent into this state, and there would be no rules or laws in this state. For one thing, this would stop lots of petty crimes. Nobody wants to get sent to the same place as serial killers for robbing a candy store. And then we could put hidden cameras all over the place and make a reality show about it. At least that way Lindsay Lohan would finally be a Hollywood star again.

Let's Sue Talking Babies

There are some stories that just simply inspire you and remind you why we live in the greatest country in the world populated by a hard-working, diverse, tolerant people living out the American dream. This is not one of those stories. This instead is a story of everything that is wrong with America. This is a story involving Lindsay Lohan.

So basically, the story is that Lindsay Lohan is suing e*Trade over one of their baby ads. The milk-aholic baby in the ad, as you heard, is named Lindsay. According to Lohan’s lawyer, Lohan has one-name iconic status, like Cher or Madonna and that the commercial purposely chose the name to portray her lifestyle. Now the first thing that I did when I heard this was laugh hysterically. Then when I realized that this was a factual story, I began to cry. And this was before I saw that Lohan is seeking $100 million in damages.

Anyone who thinks she will win is clearly using almost as many drugs as Lindsay. The fact that some lawyer is actually doing this case is proof lawyers are cold, heartless beings robots powered by money. I mean, don’t tell me these people can go to school for ten years and still take this case unless they traded their souls for new suits. Just look at their argument. It is one thing to claim that a name like Madonna or Cher or Angelina is unique enough that it is instantly recognizable. But Lindsay? It’s one of those forgettable names that you hear at least three times in a roll call in a lecture hall. I mean my sister is named Lindsey, which might explain why I always forget what her name is and normally just refer to her as “girl”. And yes, if Lohan somehow wins this case, I am going to also sue e*Trade on behalf of my sister with the sincere intention of making a lot of money off of her.

If I were e*Trade my other argument would be that considering Lohan is a ten pound bag of bones and cocaine, I wouldn’t want her to be associated with my product unless I was selling herpes medication. I would rather have a dead whale covered in large mutant ticks be my spokesman than Lindsay Lohan, so I definitely wouldn’t have slipped her name into a commercial hoping people would say “Hey I associate Lindsay Lohan with sound financial decision making! I’ll go to e*Trade now!” (then again, I don’t associate babies with sound financial decisions either).

That brings us to the only mistake that e*Trade really is guilty of: replacing the baby in the ads. I used to like the old e*Trade baby, but this new one is just not cute and his voice is weird. There are some babies you want to hug, and then there are babies you want to punt off a bridge. Oh relax, I was just exaggerating. I don’t punt babies, just small dogs. Unless of course I was given advance notice that the baby might grow up to be Justin Bieber. The folks at e*Trade should take this as an omen to go back to the original baby. It’s rare that ad people come up with a clever ad campaign, so when you do you need to hang on to it as long as you can because advertising people as a general rule are retarded. I mean, Subway is still playing that stupid “$5 footlong” song even though it was irritating when it came out and it is still irritating. (By the way, look how long these guys think a foot is when they put their hands up. I just hope they aren’t real construction workers, or a building somewhere is going to fall down real soon).

But back to Lindsay Lohan. Now, I make fun of Lohan a lot because she is a alcoholic, drug-using, partying, sexually confused slut whose body and career are falling apart faster than Kirstie Alley’s new diet plan. But I am old enough to remember when she used to be all cute and innocent and was supposed to be the next big thing. I mean, who didn’t love the Parent Trap? By the way, that movie is cursed. First Lohan’s life goes down the gutter, then Natasha Richardson dies of a freak skiing accident, and now numerous reports indicate that Dennis Quaid suffers from the incurable condition of being Dennis Quaid.

But it truly is sad to see someone waste all of this opportunity and potential that could have been used on someone else, like me. Unfortunately, beauty and brains rarely go hand in hand as they do with me (by that I mean I lack both in equal proportions). Then again, we were saying the same thing about Britney Spears a few years ago, and while she’s not back to the star she used to be, at least she’s not the laughingstock of America anymore. So I honestly hope that Lindsay pulls her life together. Because Miley Cyrus is almost 18, and frankly we need a new train wreck to take pictures of.

I Wish I Were an Oscar Wiener

Now I told myself I wouldn’t write on last night’s Oscars, but I almost never keep my promises. Besides, I’m bored and there were actually several interesting things that happened at last night’s Oscars. Also, this is the first Academy Awards show I’ve actually ever tried to watch. Now, ABC said that this year they were going to “reboot” the Oscar format, since apparently people have begun to realize that all these things used to be was celebrities talking about their favorite subject: themselves.

And ABC did revamp the Oscars; they made them a lot longer. I’m guessing that James Cameron also directed the show, because this thing felt longer than Titanic and Avatar combined. I honestly did try to watch the whole thing through, but Saving Private Ryan was also on TV at the same time. Watching the first twenty minutes reminded me of how good that movie was, which reminded me that it somehow did not win an Oscar, which reminded me why the Academy is stupid, which reminded me why I normally don’t watch the Oscars. But I persevered and watched probably 25 percent of the Oscars (which may actually still be going on). So for those of you that missed it, here comes a factual approximation of what may or may not have happened while I may or may not have been watching.

Now there were some positive aspects to this year’s Oscars. For starters, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were actually funny as the hosts. They actually bothered to make fun of celebrities, which can be hard since many of these people have no sense of humor when it comes to themselves (also, many of them are stupid or in Penelope Cruz’s case, don’t speak even speak English). Also, they did a funny bit on Paranormal Activity, which I enjoyed because I personally thought that movie was a pile of crap (and apparently cost less to produce). I actually enjoyed Baldwin and Martin’s version, mainly because it was shorter. The other thing I liked about the Oscars is that they showed multiple shots of whoever this is. Apparently she was in Twilight. This confuses me, because if someone that looked like that was walking around during Twilight I think I would have remembered (and probably vomited a lot less). Instead, all I remember are these two retards.

Then there were the strange parts of the show. For one thing, they kept randomly cutting to footage of George Clooney, as if the camera director was a 40-year-old lonely woman. We get it; you all think that George Clooney is gorgeous, but you need to get over it because this is who he is dating, so you don’t have a chance and you need to move on. Also, there was a very Kanye-esque like moment during one of the categories that I didn’t care about, and thus did not watch. And as if the celebrities needed their egos to be pumped up even further, this year every person nominated for an acting award had another actor stand on stage for five minutes and talk about how fabulous that actor was. By the end of the night, these celebrities had so much hot air blown up their asses Meryl Streep actually floated away. And just when you thought things couldn’t get worse, they let my arch-nemesis Sean Penn on stage where he mumbled about something incoherently for five minutes.

Speaking of idiots presenting things, a lot of people were talking about Ben Stiller coming out to present an award dressed as an avatar. It seems like every year, Ben Stiller pulls some sort of joke when he presents an Oscar. This is mainly because he sucks as an actor and is never nominated for an Oscar, which means he has to try and find away to get attention, like a five-year-old kid. He somehow managed to make the moment all about him even though he was presenting an award to someone else.

Speaking of Avatar, they were this year’s New York Yankees. They spent a lot of money, were the big favorites, their boss is an arrogant a**hole and when it came to the actual awards, they sucked. Avatar only got three Oscars, and one of them was for “Best Movie Containing Seven-Foot Tall Blue People.” Now, I watched Avatar and thought it was a very entertaining movie, but it wasn’t Oscar material. I mean, it was basically The Smurfs meets Fern Gully and Pocahontas. What made it even greater is that the winner of the Best Picture was Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker. Bigelow is James Cameron’s ex-wife, which I found very amusing. I mean normally when you piss off women you worry about them stabbing you or setting your house on fire, not stealing your movie awards.

Overall, I thought the awards actually went to all the right people. Sandra Bullock finally won something, and I like her because she is actually funny and humble, as her speech and this story both prove. The only thing I am surprised is that the big black girl from Precious didn’t beat Bullock. Not because I thought she was great. I actually didn’t even see the movie (I actually only saw three of the ten nominated movies actually), but Oprah liked this girl. An endorsement from Oprah pretty much guarantees you are going to win (how else can you explain Barack Obama?) and she is the most powerful force in the universe (don’t kid yourself God, you have nothing on Oprah). Normally what Oprah wants, Oprah gets, by any means necessary. Which means that Sandra Bullock better watch her blind side. Yes, I just made that pun and it was glorious and I deserve an Oscar for it and thus a fifteen minutes long rambling speech:

I would like to thank my family and friends for supporting me when nobody else thought that pun was funny because it wasn’t. I would once again like to thank this chick for showing up and as a fellow Oscar nominees you should call me. Lastly I would like to dedicate that pun to all of you who for some unknown reason have read to this point without changing the channel to watch Saving Private Ryan.

I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Or At Least Miley Cyrus

Like many Americans I, for some reason still unknown to me, spent my Sunday night watching the Grammy’s (unlike most Americans I did it wearing a pink snuggie eating spam, which might actually be illegal in Singapore). Now, the Grammy’s are just another reason for celebrities to get together and drink and get free dresses, but unlike the Oscars, I actually watch them. That is because the people at the Grammy’s are at least talented (or in the case of Jenifer Lopez, jumped the fence). Thankfully, this means that the Grammy’s really consist of about five actual awards and a whole bunch of singing. Whereas the Oscars are a bunch of boring people like Nicole Kidman talking a lot and pretending that their jobs require skill and wasn’t just reading and looking good (trust me, if acting took skill Jessica Alba would be a waitress somewhere in Texas).

The only problem sometimes with the Grammy’s is that in their effort to produce “one-of-a-kind” performances, they pair the weirdest people together, which doesn’t so much produce awe-inspiring performance as much as awkward tension. For instance, take the first duet of the night between Elton John and Lady Gaga. One was sexually confused, dressed in strange alien outfits and sings songs about dancing. The other is Lady Gaga. But the awkward pairings weren’t limited to the performers. Ke$ha and Justin Bieber were paired as presenters, but came across looking like a ten-year-old boy and his recently grounded crack-whore sister who was trying to borrow his bike so she could ride down to the abortion clinic.

Now amidst all of that there were some good performances. Coincidentally, they were all from oldies bands, which is further proof that music today sucks. Fleetwood Mac, Jeff Beck, Andrea Boccelli and Bon Jovi actually sounded good, whereas T-Pain and Jamie Foxx sort of just jumped around while a recording of their song played in the background. Then there was Eminem and Lil Wayne, who I think were rapping. It was sort of hard to tell considering CBS cut all of the sound on entire sections until they looked like some sort of retarded charades game where the answer was always “black people!” I guess I can understand, since CBS was the channel that aired the infamous “wardrobe malfunction” at the Super Bowl (for those of you who don’t know what I am referring to, surprisingly it does not involve Lady Gaga). But this is hypocritical, considering they are the same station that willingly airs David Caruso uncensored on television.

But for me the highlight of the evening was the tribute to Michael Jackson, which featured Carrie Underwood and four other not as good-looking people who we don’t really care about at this moment. The song was great, but the one thing that bothered me was that the tribute was in 3-D. Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t have a pair of those stupid 3-D glasses just lying around, especially since I started buying generic cereal in bags. So like many of you, the video looked to me like something I would see after I drank an entire bottle of rum and had been smashed over the head with a baseball bat. I blame Avatar for this. After that movie came out, everything has to be 3-D, including C-Span. President Obama tried to get his State of the Union address to be aired in 3-D to make his finger pointing more effective, but he was warned that a 3-D image of Hilary Clinton might cause nationwide panic. Of course, Obama also wanted to show up painted in blue a riding a giant flying lizard and rally the country to fight for Ewa, but that’s a whole other story.

Of course, eventually they had to give out the actual awards. By the way, does anybody think that Stephen Colbert’s daughter was way too big a part of the show? Anyway, the whole awards thing was sort of anticlimactic, since everyone knew that Taylor Swift and Beyonce were going to win everything. In fact, in the unaired segment of the ceremony Swift was named the Pro Bowl MVP. I mean, it was so unexciting that Beyonce wasn’t even there to accept her trophy because she was backstage trying to organize her army of RoboCops (which was apparently made up of the entire unemployed population of Michigan). Of course, Taylor Swift tried to show some mock surprise when she won, but her acting made even Jessica Alba cringe. She could afford to take her time to get up on stage, since at least this time she got to make her acceptance speech with Kanye West noticeably absent (probably because she hired one of the Jonas Brothers to assassinate him).

I’m sure there were other exciting moments that happened, but I have to admit I didn’t watch the entire ceremony. Independence Day was also on TV, so I was sort of switching back and forth. Which led to me mixing up the shows a bit. I mean, at one point I could have sworn I saw Will Smith trying to kill Fergie while the aliens sang with Will.I.Am. Oh wait, never mind that’s actually right.

The Life of the Rich and Retarded

I’m sure you’re like most people; you think that your life is full of problems. Well you need to just suck it up, because according to Jessica Biel, you don’t know anything about problems until you have been saddled with the greatest burden of all: being really hot. I mean next to that, all of your problems seem pretty insignificant right? I bet now you just feel like such an ungrateful brat, taking your ugliness for granted.

All joking aside, as a fellow hot person I can empathize with Biel. Okay, yeah, that was still a joke. Now I promise I’m done joking around. Apparently Biel recently said that being pretty was a disadvantage during a recent interview with a women’s magazine. (Hey, this is a bit of a tangent, but have you ever wondered why men’s magazines have scantily clad women, but women’s magazines also have scantily clad women? It shows you how disgusting women think we men really are; the entire female population would probably be lesbians if they ever figured out how to have children without men involved.) Anyway, the magazine asked her something along the lines of “Are your good looks a disadvantage for an actress?” to which she answered yes.

Now before we all over-react and call her an airheaded bimbo, let’s take a moment to see where Jessica is coming from and try and see her point of view … Okay that was long enough; Jessica Biel is an airheaded bimbo. Unfortunately, this is the type of thing that happens when you are famous. Normally when people say retarded things, the two or three people that still hang out with them just nod their heads and sigh (I’m a great example). But when these retarded people become famous, every little dumb thing that they say turns into a headline story. This in turn gives other retarded people the opportunity to show how retarded they are by talking about the retarded things that retarded celebrities do. How else do you explain the entire VH1 channel? For every retard that is famous for no reason (Paris Hilton) there is a retard that is famous for talking about retards who are famous for no reason (Perez Hilton). It depresses me watching shows with these celebrity analysts knowing I will have to work hard for the rest of my life to pay for electricity while they are on TV for knowing what Sarah Jessica Parker does with her toenail clippings (I heard she eats them).

If you want to get really depressed you should watch this one show they have on VH1 that is entirely about how much celebrities spend on themselves. You always knew that celebrities spend a lot of money, but just in case you wanted an exact number, this show is for you. Now I would be mad enough finding out that these celebrities spent millions of dollars useful things like cars, mansions, cocaine, African orphans, etc. But you watch these shows and they talk about celebrities who spend millions of dollars on toilet paper because they only use the even numbered sheets in a roll.

So this of course got me to thinking about what I would do if I for some reason became famous and fabulously wealthy. I have a feeling I wouldn’t make a very good rich person, because the first thing that I thought of getting for my mansion was a riding lawnmower and a urinal. (Why do you never see urinals in houses? They are so much easier.) But this past week I went to a beach house for my friend’s birthday party and I now know what I want with all my money. This house was right on the beach and had a bench, four lawn chairs and three hammocks. I guarantee that if I lived at this house I would never be up for more than five minutes or move more than ten feet at a time.

Of course I still have no idea how or why I am supposed to become rich and famous, but then again I’m sure that was what everyone said about Shia Labeouf when he was growing up and now he gets to make out with Megan Fox (of course, people are probably still saying that about him). It was around then that I was struck with inspiration from an unexpected source: American Idol finalist Adam Lambert. I was listening to a radio show talking about how he finally came out as gay (if you were one of the people who were somehow surprised by this fact, I bet you would also be surprised to find that water is wet). I was just about change the channel when the announced said something that caught my attention: American Idol would be holding auditions in Denver. And it suddenly was all clear to me: I will become famous by auditioning on American Idol. As all of you who have ever heard me sing can attest, I have a voice like Jim Morrison, or at least what Jim Morrison sounded like while he was overdosing on heroin. But you don’t need any actual singing talent to get famous, just a memorable audition. So who’s with me? I’m thinking of combining the performances of William Hung and the bikini girl while singing the “I Love You” song from Barney.

And the Oscar Goes To...

So apparently the Academy Awards happened this past Sunday. That was sarcastic of course. I know when the Oscars are handed out; it’s just that I don’t care. I have not watched more than five minutes of the Oscars in my entire life; I would rather watch Special Olympics curling. If you ask me the Oscars are just another excuse for rich people to dress up, give each other awards, drink champagne and eat expensive sushi (not unlike those “Save the Endangered North Indonesian Spotted Cricket” banquets PETA always holds). But of course, society completely disregards what I say and watches the Oscars anyway.

The evening starts off with what is possibly the most pretentious event in the world: the red carpet. I mean, when you break it down, it’s famous people coming down from their castles in lala land and allowing normal people to look at how fabulous they are. Thank you famous people! Because I have no idea how I would live if I couldn’t see Paris Hilton and Miley Cyrus walk around as if they somehow contributed to society in some way, which they don’t (at least positively). When people tell me that the U.S is the most arrogant country in the world, I start to argue but then I remember the red carpet. (Truth be told, I still say that the French are even worse than us. I mean, they’re snobby all the time, but the only things they do are sit in cafes and get invaded by armies.)

The worst part about the red carpet is the whole fashion craze. All you see on the internet for the week after the Oscars is who dressed well on the red carpet and who didn’t. This is actually pretty stupid when you think about it, because these sites always ends up saying that the hot stars dressed well and the ugly ones didn’t. For instance, Megan Fox could wear paper bags on her feet and a vomit covered wife-beater and still look good while Mickey Rourke could wear the most stylish outfit in the world and still look like a homeless bum who stole a suit from Men’s Warehouse and was then punched repeatedly in the face. There may be nothing more depressing in a time of economic difficulty than finding out that these people are wearing the entire gross domestic income of some countries. I mean, Angelina Jolie says she cares about poor children, yet wears an outfit that could probably feed all the children of Kenya lobster bisque for the rest of their lives.

Once the stars are tired of being looked at (okay, so they never really do, but the show would never start if they waited), the ceremony begins. They trot out some poor guy who has to try and coax laughs out of a crowd that knows nothing that happens outside of their mansions and has an average IQ of ten. This year the host was Hugh Jackman, who I don’t particularly mind, even though he is either Australian, British or gay (I always have trouble distinguishing between those three). His job is to keep us occupied between the presenters, who are famous people that all have one thing in common: they didn’t get nominated.

Almost everybody watches the Oscars to see the big awards, but as it turns out, there are a lot of people involved in making a movie that we don’t care about. What’s even worse is they give these people the chance to talk, which I think we should never let famous stupid people do. At least at the Grammy’s there’s singing and dancing. All the Oscars have are little five second clips of movies of the nominees. Eventually, they announce the winners of the category’s we actually care about. Of course, it’s always a little anti-climactic, since the favorites always win (just another reason sports are better than movies). All the Academy looks for are movies that normal people don’t watch; and retarded, ugly, drug-addicted, gay, and old people are always a plus. (Who is the Academy anyway? It sounds like some kind of cult. Is that their actual job, just to watch movies in their basements while their mothers make them hot pockets?)

Anyway, I didn’t have a problem with this year’s winners except for Sean Penn. I don’t know why, but I hate Sean Penn. For one thing, I don’t think he is a very good actor (even though I don’t think I’ve ever watched a movie with Sean Penn in it, but facts are irrelevant to my opinions). Also, he looks like a drunk mongoose with a dead weasel perched on his head. Plus he just trots around Hollywood protesting everything. It doesn’t even need to be a good cause, as long as it protests something he will go for it. I could start up a petition to ban speaking English in colleges and he would get behind it.

So finally the Oscars ended (I think) and the stars went on to do whatever it is they do after these things (get DUIs and flash their crotches at camera carrying perverts). This a good thing, because now the summer movies come out, and summer movies don’t care about Oscars, which means I might actually want to watch them.

Phelps' Secret Swimming Formula

In case you don’t keep up with all the latest celebrity scandals, a picture of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps smoking marijuana out of a bong has surfaced (haha pun). Story is that Phelps just showed up to some college party doing what all young males are doing when we show up for parties: looking for chicks, drinks, and drugs. Apparently Phelps found at least one. I’m sure this is not the first time that he has done this; I mean he’s Michael Phelps, he could get into any party he wants.

But this party was ruined by “that person.” They are the people who apparently think it is a great idea to take pictures of everybody at parties and then post them up all over the internet. Okay, so a lot of people probably took pictures with Phelps that night. But those pictures were just to take out for the grandkids to convince them that at one time you were cool. “See, I once got wasted with a 16-time Olympic medalist. What have you done with your life?”

My first reaction to the photo was “Well DUH!” I mean, of course Michael Phelps smokes dope. It would explain so much. I mean, have you ever listened to the guy talk? He sounded stoned in all of his interviews with NBC. Plus, have you ever seen how much the guy eats? You thought that was because of his strenuous workouts? No, it’s because he always has the munchies from smoking the green. Besides, Phelps was pulled over at the age of 19 for a DUI, so this is not his first run in with the law.

Some people are thinking that this will tarnish his image, particularly as a role model. I don’t see this as a negative for society overall. You just know that after the Beijing Olympics, tons of helicopter parents began signing their children up for these ridiculously expensive swim programs in the hopes of making their kid the next Michael Phelps. The parents of the kids who don’t make it in one of the cash sports always need an obscure sport to enroll their child in so they can someday hope to watch them on TV (how else do you explain lacrosse?). Maybe now that parents have become disenchanted with Phelps, they’ll go back to raising their children in rabbit cages in the hopes of creating the next Shawn Johnson.

If anything, this whole scandal just increases my opinion of Michael Phelps. I used to swim competitively in high school, and I have seen swimmers who could swim non-stop for hours struggle to swim in kiddie pools after smoking dope. Swimming is not a sport you can do stoned. If you’re high in soccer, yeah you stumble around and fall down, but they will just think you’re faking an injury, which soccer players do all the time. But in swimming, you just drown. So if Michael Phelps is swimming stoned, he is truly amazing. Even more outstanding is that Phelps owned up to his mistake. Sure, he was dropped by Kellogs as a sponsor (even though I bet a large portion of people that consume cereal are stoned college students) and was suspended by U.S Swimming, but this whole incident just makes him feel more like us: a goofy college kid who just happens to swim fast. Besides, it was the offseason. I’m sure every athlete in the world smokes pot in the offseason.

ALERT: ANTI-TIM TEBOW RANT:

Except of course, Tim Tebow, because Tim Tebow is perfect (that sound you hear is me vomiting). For those of you who don’t know, Tebow is the quarterback for the University of Florida Gators. I have never hated an athlete more than I hate Tim Tebow. Everybody seems to think that Tim Tebow is the pinnacle of human evolution or something, even though I think he looks closer to Neanderthal than Homo sapien. Everybody keeps talking about what a great and humble kid he is, yet he talks more trash than anybody. The reason I first didn’t like him was when he started talking about how he thought Colt Brennan of the University of Hawaii was a system quarterback and that he didn’t deserve the Heisman. Nobody talked about this, but when UH Coach June Jones said exactly the same thing of Tim Tebow, the media pulled its groin leaping to the defense of Tebow.

When Tim Tebow was flagged for taunting in the title game (while backing away from the other player might I add), the announcer had the nerve to say “I bet that’s the first thing he’s done wrong in his life.” He earlier had said “If you spend 15 minutes with Tebow your life will be better for it.” Blehh. The guy is a talentless hack. He does what any 6’5’’ guy would do when given the ball; he runs straight forward and runs over small cornerbacks and celebrates like he just cured cancer. I’m pretty sure he is legally retarded. This is what’s going through his mind on the field:

“Haha, Coach gave Timmy ball. Timmy run with ball. Why people chase Timmy? Timmy no do nothing wrong. Now Timmy mad. Timmy hurt mean man with scary mask. Hey, that man dressed like zebra. Timmy like zebras.”

END OF TIM TEBOW RANT ALERT

So in short, let’s give Michael Phelps a break. At least he’s not Tim Tebow.