Fire Burning

As many of you probably know, I’m a very skeptical guy. But I am now confident that the apocalypse is upon us. And I am not saying this just because Heidi and Spencer might be getting divorced (although I’m still not exactly sure who Heidi and Spencer are). I’m convinced the apocalypse is coming because there have been a lot of strange things going on recently.

As most of you probably know by now, there is a raging wildfire right now in northwest Boulder, Colorado. Seeing as I am currently sitting on a couch in south Boulder, you can see why this concerns me. This fire has been going on since Labor Day, and is still going strong. Or at least I think it started on Labor Day. I spent my three-day weekend like I do all of my extended breaks (sleeping), so for all I know this fire could have been burning since Friday.

All I know is that I finally awoke from my slumber on Monday evening and smelled smoke. I assumed my neighbors were having a BBQ, and quite frankly I got a little upset I wasn’t invited. Sure, I have no idea who my neighbors are (or if I actually have neighbors), but is that any excuse not to invite me over? Anyway, I went outside and I instantly noticed it looked like I had just walked into a gas chamber (or Los Angeles on a good day). Within a minute, my brain was able to connect the dots (okay, so maybe it was more like ten minutes, but give me a break; it was the weekend) and produce the following thought: “Fire?” After another few minutes, my brain produced a second thought: “Uh oh?”

So I rushed into my apartment and tried to figure out where the fire was and finally learned that it was located at Four Mile Canyon. Of course, this didn’t help me at all since I had no idea where Four Mile Canyon was. For all I knew, Four Mile Canyon was right across the street. As it turns out, I’m not in any immediate danger, so all of you out there can breathe a sigh of relief (or a sigh of disappointment, depending on whether or not I irritate you).

Unfortunately, not everyone was so lucky. Almost 8,000 acres and 100 homes have been destroyed the last time I checked. One of those houses actually belonged to my professor, who is homeless yet still felt it necessary to come to class and was still more prepared than me. And it does not look like this fire is going out any time soon. The governor has claimed the state has “no more resources” and firefighters reported that as of Wednesday they had “0 percent of the fire contained.” It looks like we’re just going to have to sit here and wait for the feds to come and help us, which the people in Louisiana find very funny for some reason. The only way this news could get bleaker is if it somehow involved Justin Bieber.

On the bright side, none of this matters because we are all going to die anyway! That’s right; we’re going to get hit by an asteroid. Apparently, we barely dodged two just the other day. Now, I’ve made fun of NASA, mainly because like all government departments they spend too much money on stupid projects, waste time with bureaucratic bulls**t and in general are about as useful as a lead life preserver. I got some criticism for this, but I think that this article justifies my view.

NASA didn’t know about this thing until very recently. Apparently it snuck up on them, which is unacceptable. I mean, it’s a giant rock hurtling through space, not a goddam ninja. NASA needs to get their priorities straight and stop taking pictures of pretty nebulas and start looking out for killer space spheres. If you just yelled at your computer screen, “Hey, the plural of nebula is nebulae, not nebulas,” then you also need to get your priorities straight and focus on the grave matter at hand. Also, “Killer Space Ninjas” would be an awesome name for a band.

So as we can see, the apocalypse is coming, and only the fit will survive. Not to brag, but I think I will be one of the survivors. For one thing, I have the ability to just go to sleep and ignore everything. And I think I’m going to start now.