It’s hard to believe, but this year is actually my senior year of college, and as usual it started without me. But regardless of whether I’m ready for it, this is my last year here, which is awesome and depressing at the same time. For one thing, it means I’m getting old. I was walking around campus the other day and I’m not sure if it was freshman orientation or a middle school field trip. It’s like being at a Justin Bieber concert. I was talking to one of them the other day and when they told me they lived in Buckingham Hall, they followed that up by asking, “Was Buckingham built when you were a freshman?” Now considering Buckingham is one of the oldest buildings on a campus that is 135 years old, you can understand why I was a bit offended by that question. But in general I don’t carry the same hostility towards freshman that many of my fellow seniors do. I mean out of the ten freshmen who have asked me for directions in the past two days, I have only given false directions to eight of them. I’ll leave it to your imagination what the lucky two had in common.
But anyway, I actually try to be a mentor of sorts to these young impressionable minds, which might sound scary. I may be graduating on time, but I am doing so having stayed true to the non-existent work ethic and study habits that I perfected in high school. When people ask me if I am at risk of getting senioritis, I explain to them that I was practically born with that disease, and now that I am actually a senior it is pretty much incurable.
For instance, I have a Shakespeare class with Baddie and Midget where the teacher asked us to write on a card what we wanted to get out of the class. The girls each wrote short novels on their card that said something about learning about plays or something. My card simply said “An A.” Also, half of my schedule this year consists of magical little things known as pass/fail classes. Basically, if I get a D or above, it shows up on my transcript as a pass. So the only thing I have to do is make sure I don’t die in the middle of the class and I pass (although I almost failed to do on my first day).
But I figure that is what makes me perfect as a mentor. Besides, freshmen don’t want advice from the guy who is smart and organized and on top of everything, because their advice will only work if you are smart and organized and on top of everything, which frankly sounds boring. No, you want advice from the guy who sleeps in class, doesn’t study or read, and in general has just been stumbling aimlessly around campus for the better part of three years and is still passing. Because let’s be honest, that takes way more skill.
Now every newspaper and college brochure has a guide to college, but those are full of whimsically optimistic fluff that worried parents want to see (sort of like Barney). So I have taken the time (four minutes to be exact) to put together a practical guide to college for all of you incoming freshman. But upper classman who would also like to graduate on time while putting in little to no effort are also welcome to impart this guide’s wisdom.
Office Hours: Office hours are a great time to establish a healthy rapport with your professors while also reviewing material and asking important questions. I have never once been to office hours.
Partying: Parties are disruptive, unhealthy, and often lead to trouble with the cops if you are underage. You should go to as many of these as you can, especially on weekdays.
Professors: Some people say that you should get to know your professors, but they are not there to teach, they are there to write boring papers and books. Your professor does not care about you, so you should not care about them. Tenured professors are the worst because they cannot be fired, so never take a class with one. Just because something has been around for a long time does not necessarily mean it is good. Take Bruce Springsteen for instance.
Textbooks: They are very expensive and I rarely read them anyway cause they are boring. Save your money and spend it on something that will actually help you in school, like prescription drugs.
Homework and readings: Nah.
Classes: I guess if they take attendance you should show up. But you should spend the class sleeping, so you have more time at night for important things (see Partying, above).
Notes: You should bring a friend to take some while you sleep.
Study sessions: These are very useful, because it enables you to learn everything that you missed while you were sleeping without doing any actually research. Simply write down everything that everybody else says while occasionally nodding and making comments like “interesting point,” to pretend like you are actually contributing.
Syllabus: I have no idea what this is, but I needed another category and this sounds like a really college-sounding word.
Computers in class: You know you’re on Facebook, your teacher knows you’re on Facebook, your neighbor knows you’re on Facebook, and Jesus knows you’re on Facebook. So just leave the damn thing at home. If you get bored, play F**k, Marry, Kill with the person next to you.
Clubs: Join as many as you can, since many of them offer free food at their meetings. Just never get stuck in a leadership position. Also, check what the club is before you show up looking for food. Let’s just say that eating at a meeting for an all-women’s acapella group when you are a guy is frowned upon.
Dorms: Avoid them like the plague, because you will get busted for everything you do. If you live in one, make sure you are on good terms with the RA or have something to blackmail them with. Photoshop is highly encouraged in this situation.
Papers: Procrastination is the key here. You don’t really need to start writing a paper until midnight of the night before it’s due. And half of the professors don’t read the paper anyway, so if you need an extra page, just write the entire lyrics to “Hotel California.” Another tip is to use longer words. For instance, instead of “tired as a dog,” use “tired as a Canis lupis familiaris.”
Tests: Most of your grade will probably depend on one or two of these, so make sure you wake up for them. For essay tests, just reword the prompt question as many times as needed to fill up the page. For multiple choice tests, you have a 25 percent chance of getting it right by simply guessing, which I think isn’t bad considering that if you’ve been following the rest of this guide you have no clue about the material (and true and false is even better). If the class has a curve, sit next to the smartest person and copy, and then before they can turn in their test, loudly accuse them of cheating off of you to eliminate their score from the curve. Harsh? Maybe, but do you think they feel bad when they score really well and doom the rest of us to C’s?
Relationships: Many people are able to have healthy, committed relationships while in college. You should probably go ask them how they do it, cause I haven’t figured it out yet.
Parents: Tell them as little as possible. The more blanks you give them, the more they will fill it in with what they want to think their precious little child is doing. Call them when you need money and food. If you made the mistake of going to school someplace where they can see you often, well “HAHAHAH” is all I have to say.
**DISCLAIMER: If you fail out of school while following these guidelines, I will not accept any of the blame. These work for me because I work hard at not working hard. Also I have a pretty face.**
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