I Wish I Were an Oscar Wiener

Now I told myself I wouldn’t write on last night’s Oscars, but I almost never keep my promises. Besides, I’m bored and there were actually several interesting things that happened at last night’s Oscars. Also, this is the first Academy Awards show I’ve actually ever tried to watch. Now, ABC said that this year they were going to “reboot” the Oscar format, since apparently people have begun to realize that all these things used to be was celebrities talking about their favorite subject: themselves.

And ABC did revamp the Oscars; they made them a lot longer. I’m guessing that James Cameron also directed the show, because this thing felt longer than Titanic and Avatar combined. I honestly did try to watch the whole thing through, but Saving Private Ryan was also on TV at the same time. Watching the first twenty minutes reminded me of how good that movie was, which reminded me that it somehow did not win an Oscar, which reminded me why the Academy is stupid, which reminded me why I normally don’t watch the Oscars. But I persevered and watched probably 25 percent of the Oscars (which may actually still be going on). So for those of you that missed it, here comes a factual approximation of what may or may not have happened while I may or may not have been watching.

Now there were some positive aspects to this year’s Oscars. For starters, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were actually funny as the hosts. They actually bothered to make fun of celebrities, which can be hard since many of these people have no sense of humor when it comes to themselves (also, many of them are stupid or in Penelope Cruz’s case, don’t speak even speak English). Also, they did a funny bit on Paranormal Activity, which I enjoyed because I personally thought that movie was a pile of crap (and apparently cost less to produce). I actually enjoyed Baldwin and Martin’s version, mainly because it was shorter. The other thing I liked about the Oscars is that they showed multiple shots of whoever this is. Apparently she was in Twilight. This confuses me, because if someone that looked like that was walking around during Twilight I think I would have remembered (and probably vomited a lot less). Instead, all I remember are these two retards.

Then there were the strange parts of the show. For one thing, they kept randomly cutting to footage of George Clooney, as if the camera director was a 40-year-old lonely woman. We get it; you all think that George Clooney is gorgeous, but you need to get over it because this is who he is dating, so you don’t have a chance and you need to move on. Also, there was a very Kanye-esque like moment during one of the categories that I didn’t care about, and thus did not watch. And as if the celebrities needed their egos to be pumped up even further, this year every person nominated for an acting award had another actor stand on stage for five minutes and talk about how fabulous that actor was. By the end of the night, these celebrities had so much hot air blown up their asses Meryl Streep actually floated away. And just when you thought things couldn’t get worse, they let my arch-nemesis Sean Penn on stage where he mumbled about something incoherently for five minutes.

Speaking of idiots presenting things, a lot of people were talking about Ben Stiller coming out to present an award dressed as an avatar. It seems like every year, Ben Stiller pulls some sort of joke when he presents an Oscar. This is mainly because he sucks as an actor and is never nominated for an Oscar, which means he has to try and find away to get attention, like a five-year-old kid. He somehow managed to make the moment all about him even though he was presenting an award to someone else.

Speaking of Avatar, they were this year’s New York Yankees. They spent a lot of money, were the big favorites, their boss is an arrogant a**hole and when it came to the actual awards, they sucked. Avatar only got three Oscars, and one of them was for “Best Movie Containing Seven-Foot Tall Blue People.” Now, I watched Avatar and thought it was a very entertaining movie, but it wasn’t Oscar material. I mean, it was basically The Smurfs meets Fern Gully and Pocahontas. What made it even greater is that the winner of the Best Picture was Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker. Bigelow is James Cameron’s ex-wife, which I found very amusing. I mean normally when you piss off women you worry about them stabbing you or setting your house on fire, not stealing your movie awards.

Overall, I thought the awards actually went to all the right people. Sandra Bullock finally won something, and I like her because she is actually funny and humble, as her speech and this story both prove. The only thing I am surprised is that the big black girl from Precious didn’t beat Bullock. Not because I thought she was great. I actually didn’t even see the movie (I actually only saw three of the ten nominated movies actually), but Oprah liked this girl. An endorsement from Oprah pretty much guarantees you are going to win (how else can you explain Barack Obama?) and she is the most powerful force in the universe (don’t kid yourself God, you have nothing on Oprah). Normally what Oprah wants, Oprah gets, by any means necessary. Which means that Sandra Bullock better watch her blind side. Yes, I just made that pun and it was glorious and I deserve an Oscar for it and thus a fifteen minutes long rambling speech:

I would like to thank my family and friends for supporting me when nobody else thought that pun was funny because it wasn’t. I would once again like to thank this chick for showing up and as a fellow Oscar nominees you should call me. Lastly I would like to dedicate that pun to all of you who for some unknown reason have read to this point without changing the channel to watch Saving Private Ryan.