Let's Sue Talking Babies

There are some stories that just simply inspire you and remind you why we live in the greatest country in the world populated by a hard-working, diverse, tolerant people living out the American dream. This is not one of those stories. This instead is a story of everything that is wrong with America. This is a story involving Lindsay Lohan.

So basically, the story is that Lindsay Lohan is suing e*Trade over one of their baby ads. The milk-aholic baby in the ad, as you heard, is named Lindsay. According to Lohan’s lawyer, Lohan has one-name iconic status, like Cher or Madonna and that the commercial purposely chose the name to portray her lifestyle. Now the first thing that I did when I heard this was laugh hysterically. Then when I realized that this was a factual story, I began to cry. And this was before I saw that Lohan is seeking $100 million in damages.

Anyone who thinks she will win is clearly using almost as many drugs as Lindsay. The fact that some lawyer is actually doing this case is proof lawyers are cold, heartless beings robots powered by money. I mean, don’t tell me these people can go to school for ten years and still take this case unless they traded their souls for new suits. Just look at their argument. It is one thing to claim that a name like Madonna or Cher or Angelina is unique enough that it is instantly recognizable. But Lindsay? It’s one of those forgettable names that you hear at least three times in a roll call in a lecture hall. I mean my sister is named Lindsey, which might explain why I always forget what her name is and normally just refer to her as “girl”. And yes, if Lohan somehow wins this case, I am going to also sue e*Trade on behalf of my sister with the sincere intention of making a lot of money off of her.

If I were e*Trade my other argument would be that considering Lohan is a ten pound bag of bones and cocaine, I wouldn’t want her to be associated with my product unless I was selling herpes medication. I would rather have a dead whale covered in large mutant ticks be my spokesman than Lindsay Lohan, so I definitely wouldn’t have slipped her name into a commercial hoping people would say “Hey I associate Lindsay Lohan with sound financial decision making! I’ll go to e*Trade now!” (then again, I don’t associate babies with sound financial decisions either).

That brings us to the only mistake that e*Trade really is guilty of: replacing the baby in the ads. I used to like the old e*Trade baby, but this new one is just not cute and his voice is weird. There are some babies you want to hug, and then there are babies you want to punt off a bridge. Oh relax, I was just exaggerating. I don’t punt babies, just small dogs. Unless of course I was given advance notice that the baby might grow up to be Justin Bieber. The folks at e*Trade should take this as an omen to go back to the original baby. It’s rare that ad people come up with a clever ad campaign, so when you do you need to hang on to it as long as you can because advertising people as a general rule are retarded. I mean, Subway is still playing that stupid “$5 footlong” song even though it was irritating when it came out and it is still irritating. (By the way, look how long these guys think a foot is when they put their hands up. I just hope they aren’t real construction workers, or a building somewhere is going to fall down real soon).

But back to Lindsay Lohan. Now, I make fun of Lohan a lot because she is a alcoholic, drug-using, partying, sexually confused slut whose body and career are falling apart faster than Kirstie Alley’s new diet plan. But I am old enough to remember when she used to be all cute and innocent and was supposed to be the next big thing. I mean, who didn’t love the Parent Trap? By the way, that movie is cursed. First Lohan’s life goes down the gutter, then Natasha Richardson dies of a freak skiing accident, and now numerous reports indicate that Dennis Quaid suffers from the incurable condition of being Dennis Quaid.

But it truly is sad to see someone waste all of this opportunity and potential that could have been used on someone else, like me. Unfortunately, beauty and brains rarely go hand in hand as they do with me (by that I mean I lack both in equal proportions). Then again, we were saying the same thing about Britney Spears a few years ago, and while she’s not back to the star she used to be, at least she’s not the laughingstock of America anymore. So I honestly hope that Lindsay pulls her life together. Because Miley Cyrus is almost 18, and frankly we need a new train wreck to take pictures of.