Mitchell Vs. Food

So somebody sent me this link today. It is about some wacko in India that claims he has not eaten or drank anything in 70 years. I’m not sure why he would want to do this. It could be possible he doesn’t like spicy food, and in India not eating spicy food leaves you with few options. Apparently they actually put him under observation for two weeks to try and prove his claim, and he (by all appearances) appeared to be completely fine.

Now I think we can all acknowledge that this guy is cheating somehow. He claims to be a yogi, whatever that is. Wikipedia says that a yogi is a “fictional bear who appears-” wait, that can’t be right. Oh well; this guy is some sort of monk or something. But frankly I don’t care if he is Yoda, nobody can go more than a week without eating or drinking. Forget what it does to your body, not eating and drinking starts to mess with your mind.

I would know. I am currently (against my better judgment) trying to lose weight. Mainly because I made a bet with a friend at the beginning of the year on who would lose more weight, and seeing as I have only started trying now, I might be a bit behind. And I really do not want to have to run naked through a candy store painted like an oompa loompa. And even if I did (which I don’t, I think) the restraining order would prevent me from doing so. Therefore, I have decided I have to get this whole weight loss thing into full gear.

So this means that in addition to resuming swimming (the only physical activity I have ever been decent at), I have tried to go on a diet. Now this is hard enough for me already, but I have been making it especially hard on myself. This is because my roommate and I like to watch the Travel Channel. For those of you who haven’t watched the Travel Channel in awhile, at some point they stopped doing shows about traveling and became the Food Network. Although to be honest, whenever I travel I ignore the sights and culture and prefer to just eat things, so I guess this is appropriate.

One of our favorite shows is called “Man vs. Food.” The show follows a guy named Adam Richmond as he goes around the country checking out restaurants and doing eating challenges. Now, I just want to know how people get jobs like this. Not only does he get to be on TV and travel the country, he gets to eat the best food in the country. Of course, this means that while I’m eating cereal and my roommate is eating what smells like spinach and tuna, we are watching this guy eat ribs and burgers that look like they dropped straight out of heaven. Watching this show while on a diet is the worst strategy since BP decided to drill just a little bit deeper (what’s the worst that can happen?).

Anyway, Chris and I got excited when we found out that Adam had come to Boulder, Co. for an episode that aired last night. Now, I have to be honest I was a bit confused when I found out he was coming to Boulder. Boulder is not exactly known for its great cuisine, unless you happen to be a horse. Most of the locals here spend most of their time eating things that were very recently in the ground (and by that I do not mean prairie dogs). Although when you think about it, for a town that smokes so much dope, you would think that there would be better pig out spots.

He somehow did manage to find some places that served good food, and Chris and I were taking careful notes. For instance, there was one place he visited that somehow puts bacon and sausage into the pancake and tops it with an egg and syrup. These things are called saddle bags, which sounds weird when you order. If I was a waiter and somebody told me they wanted my bacon saddle bags, I would get really self-conscious all of a sudden. Or flattered. I’m not real sure. But it is everything you want for breakfast all on one plate. The only way it could be more perfect was if Megan Fox served it to you while playing “Black Magic Woman” on the guitar.

At the end of the episode, Adam tried the Wing King challenge, which requires you to eat 50 wings in 30 minutes. Sadly he failed as dozens of stoned onlookers kept asking him “Hey man, you gonna finish that or can I have some?” I guess the only hard part about this guy’s job is the eating challenges he has to do. Now, I can eat a lot, but not as much as you would think a guy my size could. I’m fat mainly because I sleep 14 hours a day and spend the other 10 trying to move as little as possible. For instance, at the moment I want to eat something, but the fridge is at least ten feet away, so I’ve decided not to. Me and the yogi, we’ve got that in common: willpower.