Horny for Soccer

Now, I normally don’t like to write too much about one particular topic (unless that topic is how awesome I am). The world generally provides me enough stupidity to change it up, but I just have to write more about the World Cup, because a lot has happened in the first week of this thing.

First off, let’s just come right out and say it: watching soccer is bad enough without a swarm of locusts coming to wipe out mankind. I watch soccer to hear ridiculous British accents, not the inside of a goddam bee hive. Apparently these horns are called vuvuzelas by the locals and “irritating” by everybody else. Also, it takes away one of the greatest things about watching soccer, which is listening to thousands of people with blood-alcohol levels higher than their IQs chant weird songs and obscenities in foreign languages. Plus, the horns are constant. Sure, cowbells and thundersticks are irritating, but people only play those once in awhile on important plays. Whereas these things are going constantly with no rhyme or reason to them. I’m not exactly sure how that is even possible; there must be a lot of people in the stadium passing out from oxygen deprivation.

The FIFA considered banning these horns, but as with all foreign officials, they suddenly remembered that they have no testicles and decided not to. Now, they made up some lame excuse like “it’s part of their culture.” Really? I’ve never heard of these things before, and I doubt two dollar little pieces of plastic that were probably made by children in China can be considered “culture.” And if it is a tradition, then it is a stupid one. I bet if you blew that thing outside of the stadium you would immediately be eaten by lions (not because they are hungry, but just to shut them up). Besides, culture and tradition are overrated. Cannibalism and watching Ashton Kutcher movies is a culture in some places; that doesn’t make it okay.

That is just one of the reasons that I don’t think we should ever let South Africa host anything ever again. Another is that every soccer match comes on at about 2 in the morning. Okay, that may be exaggerating a little bit, but normally by the time I get up half of the games are done. My friends in Hawaii have yet to actually see any of the games, since they come on there before the sun is even up. It’s bad enough that people in Hawaii had to watch the NBA Finals Game 7 at 3 in the afternoon, but nobody is going to get up early just to watch soccer.

It really is too bad, because this has been an exciting World Cup start (at least by soccer standards). I’m mainly just happy because the French have not won a game yet. Also, the U.S has not been that bad and still has a chance to advance. Their first game against England was a tie, thanks to a blunder by the English goaltender on a save that nine out of ten third graders probably could have made (and let’s be honest, he will probably never be seen alive again).

Then, we fell behind 2-0 to Slovenia in our second game earlier today before staging one of the biggest come backs in soccer history to tie the game. Now, there were several things I got mad about in this game. First off, I’m not sure Slovenia is actually a country. I’ve never heard of it, and apparently neither has my spell-check. Second, we actually should have won, but the referee called off our third goal even though the replays show that if anything, the U.S was fouled. This just proves that the entire world is jealous of America and is trying everything they can to stop us from taking the last thing they can beat us at besides getting diseases. The ref is just lucky that this was the U.S he screwed and not some fanatical European country, or he would probably have been shot by now.

Now, the World Cup has not gone off without some hitches. For one thing, we have our first soccer related death. This story proves several things. First, you should never try to separate a man from his remote control, because he will fight to the death to keep it. Second, this is why religious shows are evil; they mind-control crazy people. Also, this just shows that women are crazy. I just hope that all you future wives out there remember this story the next time you try and make your husband stop watching sports and you are overwhelmed with crippling remorse. Then you should go get us some chips.

Anyway, dead people and blind refs aside, this World Cup has a chance to be a good one. We just need to do one thing, and I am reaching out to all of you who are going to these games. If the person next to you is blowing one of those stupid horns, punch them in the face. Unless it is a child. Then you should punch them in the stomach. If you oppose violence, stuff a hot dog into it. If everybody does their part, we can all watch the rest of the World Cup in peace. If not, then I might have to resort to watching gospel shows.