Crying Over Spilt Oil

So, I’m not sure if you heard, but there is some sort of oil leak going on. Now, I admit I am a bit late on writing about this, but in my defense, I thought by now they would have solved this problem already. I mean, it’s been more than a month since this thing started leaking oil, and they still haven’t been able to stop it.

It’s not because they haven’t tried though. They have tried a whole bunch of strategies that, when you think about it, are a lot more comical than effective. It’s like they put the Wile E. Coyote in charge. Their first attempt was to just put a big dome over it, but that didn’t work. I have no idea why; I tried to find out but then I saw the words “methane hydrate crystals” and I decided for my safety that I should just stop reading.

Then they tried something called “top kill” which is even more hilarious: they basically just dump a whole bunch of mud into the hole and hope it stops. Now, NASA scientists helped to come up with this theory, so of course it failed miserably. But to me the bigger question is where the hell they are getting all of this mud from? So I advise all of you to be on the lookout for government officials standing in your backyard with buckets and shovels.

BP officials are slowly starting to run out of ideas. At one point, they actually convened a committee of experts, which for some reason included director James Cameron. Now, just because Cameron has hot air coming out his a**hole doesn’t mean he is an expert in energy crises. His only idea was to sink a large ship into the leak and hope that Leonardo DiCaprio’s hair would absorb all of the oil. If they want to get a solution from Hollywood, they should get those oil guys from Armageddon to fix it (by the way, how soon do you think that somebody will make a movie about this?)

At this point I don’t care if they have to shove Kirstie Alley into the hole to stop it from leaking; they just need to stop it. I mean it’s so big that they apparently can see it from space, joining the Great Wall of China, Las Vegas, and the giant hole in the middle of Kansas that BP dug up to make mud for their “top kill” plan. The oil is starting to reach the shores of Louisiana, which can already be heard shouting “No! No, we don’t need FEMA! No, just STAY AWAY! You’ll just screw things up worse!”

Of course, now that the shores are coated with enough grease to slick the Jonas Brother’s hair for the next ten years, the animals are beginning to suffer. As with all oil spills, bleeding heart vegans are rushing out the door with what’s left of your dish soap to go and wash the precious birds that were too stupid to fly away from the oil and instead dove right into it. Also, there is a fishing ban off the Louisiana coast, but I’ve had a personal policy on eating fish from the Gulf Coast for a long time anyway.

Of course, if you thought the animals were suffering, you should try being a BP executive right now. They might as well gather all of their money, put it in a pile, and light it on fire and dance around it. They basically are pumping money into the ocean, and their stock and reputation are taking an even bigger dive. There was even a Facebook group that urged people to piss on BP gas stations, which I would have participated in if I knew where my local BP gas station was. That, and the cops warned me about being naked in public again.

This is all just proof that we should never do things in the deep ocean. I’ve seen all of those Animal Planet shows, not to mention 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. The deep ocean is full of giant killer squids and fish with bigger teeth than Gary Busey with weird little flashlights attached to their foreheads (although that would be convenient for all those times I get lost at night stumbling around in the dark). If we need to drill for oil, let’s do it somewhere where nothing that we care about gets hurt, like the Alaskan wilderness. Ducks are a lot cuter than moose, and unlike moose, ducks don’t eat people.

Anyway, I think that we need to learn some sort of lesson from this whole fiasco, besides figuring out that dumping mud on things stops being a viable solution after preschool. So the next time you drive somewhere to do something stupid and frivolous, like shopping or school, think of all those poor birds covered in oil. But if you do find yourself at the gas station and see me peeing, please don’t call the cops.