Driving Me Crazy

Yesterday a friend and I went to Denver to go and see the Denver International Auto Show, which is an event where every car company brings their new car models to show them off, which is good because I’m looking to buy a used car, and so this gave me a look at what I couldn’t afford. The show took place in the Denver Convention Center, which by the way has the most random structure outside that I have ever seen. For some reason they also had a giant squirrel mascot wandering around. Anyway, the place had cars from every company imaginable on display and you could sit in them and just keep smelling that new car smell.

Now, I will admit I’m not a huge car guy. I will listen to other guys talk about cars using a whole lot of numbers that I don’t really understand and sort of just nod. You could pop the hood of a car and I wouldn’t be able to tell you the difference between the engine and a toaster. I especially don’t understand people’s fascination with sports cars. Since the speed limit in Hawaii is 55 miles per hour and I’ve never driven over 80 in my life, I don’t really have any sort of desire to drive very fast (I never want to do anything fast for that matter). I want only three things in a car: comfort, lots of room, and the ability to run over stupid Boulder pedestrians with minimal damage to my car. Sports cars fail in all of these categories.

So the cars that I was looking at yesterday were not the sports cars. What I did enjoy were the Lexus SUVs. Now, I will never own a Lexus unless I find a buyer for my spare organs (assuming they still work) because one costs more than four years of college. But it was so comfortable that I wanted to just sit in there all day and keep rubbing the fake wood on the steering wheel (but the strange stares I was getting made me stop after a few minutes). There were also several windowless vans, which I’m assuming was put on display for any potential kidnappers and rapists in the crowd.

But my dream car is still a Ford F-250 with a Super Crew Cab and the extended bed. Mainly because it is the most American vehicle there is. You never see wussy Europeans driving trucks; you see them driving those stupid little smart cars that look like they could fit in your bathtub. Nothing feels better than rambling down a road in a truck burning enough fuel to keep the entire country of Saudi Arabia in business for the next fifty years, blasting oldies rock on the radio to drown out the sound of animals and bikers and smart car drivers screaming from inside your wheel well. Trucks just make life so much easier. One of my favorite cars is my dad’s 1989 Ford Ranger. Sure, it is older than me and the gas gauge and AC doesn’t work and the door doesn’t always open from the inside and it starts to make a strange sound if it goes over 40 miles an hour and it has about as much chance of passing a safety check as Lindsey Lohan does of passing a drug test. But you could toss whatever you wanted in the bed and not worry about driving it onto the beach and getting into the seats wet and sandy and spilling beer all over it.

But judging by the cars I saw at the show, those days are over. Working these cars now is like working a computer. They all have screens and you push buttons to turn them on and they have mobile phones built in and all kinds of alien gizmos. This is not a trend I particularly like. The thing about technology is that it never works when I want it to. I’m going to use my neighbors Baddie and Midget as examples. They have a Ford Focus with a system that uses voice recognition to work the music system. Unfortunately, the automated voice is a woman and like all women, it doesn’t ever listen. So this is the conversation that follows:

Baddie and Midget: USB.

Car: Please say a command.

Baddie and Midget: USB!

Car: Carrots and Peas. Yes or No?

Baddie and Midget: No! USB goddamit!

Car: Calling Mom.

Normally by the time they get the car to play any music, they’ve already reached their destination, which causes them to be highly volatile (then again with the type of music they listen to even if it does work they arrive highly irritable). But this is what happens when you buy a car mainly because, and I quote, “The cup holder can light up in different colors.” This is proof that you can get women to buy anything if it is really colorful.

Speaking of women, the real highlight of the day actually came when we went to go eat. We went to a restaurant in Denver called Tilted Kilts. It was a pub style place with good food, but more importantly the waitresses dressed like this. Most of you are saying “Well if you want to impress any of them, you should get one of those sports cars.” But the thing about sports cars is you can only fit one person. Whereas with an SUV I can fit all of them. Or if they don’t want to get in, I can always get one of those windowless vans…