A Love Letter To Mother Earth

Dear Mother Earth,

So yesterday was Earth Day, when we get together to celebrate the fact that we somehow haven’t blown you up yet. This day really reminded me that I have been taking you for granted. Sure, you and I have had a sort of up and down relationship. I mean, as I’m writing this it is snowing and storming outside. In April. It takes two to make this relationship work Mother Earth, and right now you are pissing me off. And I haven’t even brought up all the earthquakes and volcanoes yet.

But as much as I sometimes get mad at you, some reader’s poignant comments on my space story really brought me back down to Earth (haha pun, and yes I will continue to point out all of my puns). Anyway, the comment said something about how I am crushing the human spirit and make too many jokes (who makes humor jokes on a humor blog?), but this person also pointed out that at any moment we could get hit by a massive asteroid and have to live on Mars (and by the way, Armageddon was on TV twice last night). This comment truly hit me hard; I don’t want to live on Mars. It’s just full of dirt with no scenery whatsoever. It would be like living on Planet Oklahoma.

So I really want to become more environmentally friendly and turn over a new leaf (haha more puns). Luckily for me, this past Tuesday marked a gathering of 10,000 people who really love the environment. That’s right; it was 4/20, when thousands of people gathered in Boulder to commune with Mother Nature by smoking a whole lot of weed and being completely useless to society. If anybody knows anything about going green, it’s these people (okay I promise if you laugh at them, the puns hurt less). You can tell that these people really care about the world simply by looking at the massive pile of trash that they left on the ground after their gathering.

As I was walking through the crowd to try and get to my class (yes, some people choose to go to class on this day) I got spit on by some stoner who called me a “mindless conformist” that didn’t give a damn about the world. Now at first, I thought this was a stupid statement. Does doing something legal make me a conformist? I guess rapists should yell out to non-rapists that they are also conformists. Also, I felt that as one of the fifty people who wasn't smoking pot, the guy in the group of 15,000 that was smoking pot made me the rebel. But now that I thought about it, he was right. I was enabling “the man.” By not smoking pot, I was able to be productive and go to school and work, which is just what those government bastards wanted. I fell into their trap! How could I be so stupid? Also, I don’t know if it was the second-hand high or what, but I either saw the biggest dog I have ever seen or the smallest bear walking around the library.

Anyway, after that enlightening experience, I am as committed as ever to being environmentally friendly. I feel like I should learn from the cops, who saved tons of paper by not having the balls to ticket these people. I mean, they could probably end this stupid tradition that CU supposedly says they don’t approve of by one year just handing out a bunch of tickets and scaring people, but is writing all those tickets really worth it? I mean I personally love having my school’s reputation being that of “the one were all the people smoke pot.” It looks great on resumes, and prospective students love it too. So just like the cops, I’m going to save paper too by never doing my homework. I mean, do you know how many trees I kill every time I do a seven page paper?

Plus did you see all of the stoners in the fast food restaurants that afternoon? Even more environmental genius. Why? Because fast food places serve burgers. What are burgers made out of? Cows. What do cows do? Fart methane gas. What does methane gas do? It corrodes our atmosphere. So I’m going to eat a burger every day until I die (in a month or so) to help the Earth.

I feel bad though, because there apparently was a huge Earth Day party that I missed last night. I wish I could have gotten wasted in the name of a god cause, as opposed to what I normally do, which is get wasted for no reason at all. And I’m sure that they recycled all of their bottles as opposed to just smashing them over each other’s heads and leaving them on the ground. And I’m also sure that they used compostable cups instead of going through hundreds of those plastic red cups that are sitting in landfills all over the place.

So Mother Earth, I admit I’m not your best child. I don’t do all of the great things for the environment that these stoners do, and I don’t hand out thousands of paper slips telling people how to save trees. But I’ve never said I was anything but a normal guy who tries to turn off the lights when he leaves and tries not to chop down trees. But I promise that I’ll try harder from now on. But this is a two-way relationship, and you need to do something for me. The next time 4/20 rolls around, and the sky is gray, could you just rain and drench all of them? Is that too much to ask?

Love, Mitchell.