Shoes On a Plane

On Wednesday night, my roommate and I were sitting peacefully watching TV when all of a sudden the station broke away to an alert. Apparently some guy tried to light a shoe bomb on a plane that was headed for Denver. Of course as with all news, most of it was completely false (except for the “guy” and “plane” parts). This is what actually happened.

So I’m not saying that this guy is off the hook. This idiot did several things wrong. First off, how stupid do you have to be to try and smoke in an airplane bathroom? That’s like the first thing the lady on the speakers tells you when you get on the plane, right after the part about paying in exact change for alcohol. A 5-year-old child who’s been on a round trip flight could tell you that you aren’t supposed to smoke on planes. Plus, any insensitive a**hole that jokes about a bomb on a plane these days should just be tossed off of the plane in midair.

The only problem with this situation is that this guy is a diplomat from a foreign country, so he has diplomatic immunity, which is bull. I mean, supposedly this guy is from a country from Qatar, which clearly does not exist. Or at least I’ve never heard of it. Besides, why would we even need a diplomat from a country called Qatar? I’m tired of the spoiled arrogant sons of Middle Eastern oil sheiks riding their camels around like they own this country. We need to get rid of diplomatic immunity. I don’t care if you have naked pictures of the president, you stay in our country you play by our rules; it’s called “home-field advantage.” The last thing we need are foreign people who can do whatever they want; the next thing you know the French will be running around punching babies in the face, and we can’t have that. One of the babies might punch back and make the Frenchies cry and then they will declare war on babies around the world (and probably lose).

Of course, this guy was lucky he was just held in custody by the air marshals. After what happened at 9/11, this guy is lucky the passengers didn’t beat the brown off of him. If I were the air marshal, I would have cuffed him and then let each passenger on the plane hit him as hard as they want wherever they wanted (I would also highly encourage children and the elderly to aim for the crotch). At least it would be more entertaining than the in-flight movie. Then when we landed I would simply say that he struggled and we had to “forcefully apprehend him.”

But I’m sure this would-be bomber will get what is coming to him. We need to focus on how this happened. I thought that they made you take off your shoes at the gates so we wouldn’t have this problem? (This is also why I always wear slippers to airports. Have you ever heard of a slipper bomber? I didn’t think so). I know that technically he had nothing that would have set off security, but this is why I am encouraging security workers to engage in ruthless racial profiling. I mean, security officials have no problems being jerks. They sure had no problem trying to kick this girl off of a plane for wearing a revealing outfit. They also have no problem kicking off fat people.

Now, I can understand the fat people one, because planes are crowded enough without some guy overflowing onto your armrests. But the chick? For one thing, anyone who thinks that outfit is any more revealing than what people wear everyday needs to move back to the 18^th century. I’ve seen girls wear more revealing outfits to funerals. Besides, I’m sure they could have found some brave guy who would have tolerated her outfit (by that I mean stared at it the entire flight). And I’ve never been on a Southwest flight, but since when are they a “family friendly airline?” What the hell is a family friendly airline anyway? Do they serve applesauce and show cartoons on the monitors? I would argue that planes are not friendly to anyone, and judging by the amount of screaming babies that are always on my flight, they are definitely not “family friendly.”

But I have a business proposition that, as with all of my business propositions, ignores ethics and safety in the hopes of making me very rich. I will start my own airline company that sells round trip tickets for $1. The great part is that I won’t have security, so anyone can get on the plane and bring whatever they want! That way I’ll get all the rejects and not have to pay security guards to sit around and grope people. Also, I can’t guarantee all of the pilots will necessary know how to fly actual planes, per se. They just have to watch Top Gun a few times. I will call it “Sweet Chariot Airlines,” and our motto will be “Taking You Home” (and just to be clear, I mean “home” in a spiritual sense here). We will even let you smoke and light shoe bombs on the plane! But I can’t guarantee the other passengers will.