CSI: Criminal Semen Investigators

Now you might hear me complain about how many things I have to do, but that is mainly because I am lazy; I actually have a very easy schedule. I mean, I’ve managed to reverse the American work week by working two days a week and getting five days off. Of course before you start saying how lucky I am, I spend those two days in Greeley, Colorado, which is a rant for another day.

Anyway, with all of that free time I could do many great things, like work out or read or volunteer in the community or figure out what the hell Snow is saying in “Informer” (try it). Of course, I do none of that. Instead, I take advantage of the wonderful invention that is TV OnDemand. This wonderful invention allows somebody like me to watch tons of TV shows without wading through stupid commercials about Sex and the City 2. It also gives me an opportunity to sit on the couch in my pink snuggie, which is another wonderful invention. Whoever makes fun of snuggies has clearly never used one. If you use a snuggie while watching TV and don’t agree with me that it’s the best thing since fizz-free roofies, I will personally show up to campus one day wearing nothing but a snuggie. I will need proof however, in the form of you sitting in a snuggie with a genuine frown on your face notarized by your local district attorney.

Anyway, back to the main point, even though I haven’t actually made a main point yet. (That’s why this site is great. If you took three paragraphs to get to your main point anywhere in work or school you would instantly fail.) One of the shows that I have begun watching again is all of the CSIs, mainly because they use songs by The Who. I remember when there was only one show. The next thing you know, they started breeding like bunnies in a box and blam, the next thing you know they are coming out with CSI: Wichita (I’m not sure what the show would be like, but I’m assuming it would revolve around Sean Penn investigating cow tippings and crop circles).

Now, I think that the shows are pretty good, especially the original. The only one I have a problem with is CSI: Miami. I have no problem with the show or the plot; I have a problem with David Caruso. Now, I have made fun of the acting skills of several people on this site, but I personally think that Caruso may be my least favorite actor of all time. For some reason, he is unable to ever make eye contact with who he is talking to or even what he is supposed to be looking at. They always show the crime scene, and there could be a headless body burning at his feet, and he would be looking with intense interest at a trash can in the opposite direction (with his sunglasses on of course, even if it is at night). Then, if somebody addresses him, he dramatically takes off his glasses, slowly raises his head, and delivers some sort of one-liner with the same tone of voice you might use to tell somebody you just found a large lump in their testicles.

Aside from Caruso’s acting, there are also a few other things that I have always found funny about CSI. For one thing, would they ever be able to solve crimes without semen? I mean, they always seem to find it everywhere, so I figure the only way you get caught doing something - like, say, robbing a bank – is if you somehow leave semen stains. In other words women will never be found guilty of a crime ever again. Also, you can’t ever leave hair anywhere, because apparently CSIs have zoom vision that enables them to see microscopic things stuck in people’s noses. I always figured that’s why I can never commit a crime; I shed hair all over the place like some sort of sheepdog with mange.

Although if you were to listen to some experts, CSI has actually made it easier to get away with committing crimes. Apparently all juries want to see today is hair and semen, as if they were some sort of Ron Jeremy fan-club. But then again, what do you expect? Do you know what kind of people get jury duty? People too stupid to weasel their way out of jury duty. Sure some people believe it is your “civic duty,” but I can’t imagine something I would hate more that doesn’t involve rusty scissors. Imagine if you were on a jury that let a guilty man go or prosecuted an innocent man? I imagine it would lead to a lifetime of regret and a feeling of personal responsibility, not unlike the feeling that everyone who saw Gigli must have.

But I feel like CSI has taught me many important life lessons. For one thing, you should never take out a life insurance policy or get in somebody’s will, because the next thing you know you are there lying on a metal table with a towel covering strategic parts of you crotch while they show exactly where in your guts the bullet went through disturbingly graphic computer images. Also, never hang around women, because they will eventually get mad at something and they are a lot more adept at swinging axes than you would have guessed. But most importantly, if you ever need to commit a crime, the best place would probably be right in front of David Caruso, because he will most likely be looking at the ground.