"That Was A Little Pitchy Dawg"

I’m not generally a fan of reality TV. But I am a fan of music, so I have to admit that my roommate and I joined millions of lonely women around the world in watching American Idol up until the season finale on Wednesday.

Now, I didn’t watch the show from the beginning of the season because unlike most people, I hate watching the auditions. If I wanted to watch retards butcher songs, I could videotape myself. I mean, these people must know that they cannot sing right? If not, somebody needs to tell them. Oh sure, you can be nice to them for a little while and say they sound great to keep their self-esteem up, but once they start auditioning for American Idol I think you need to come clean. I mean, it’s either they hear it from you or they hear it from Simon Cowell on national television and then they go into a mental breakdown and eat entire tubs of ice cream. But I’m pretty sure that a lot of these people know exactly what they are doing. Some of these bozos who flail around at auditions are more famous than the people who win the actual competition.

Thankfully, I started watching after the auditions; although I’m going to be honest the singing didn’t get much better. This was definitely not one of the better seasons talent wise. For instance, one of the people in the top five was some sixteen-year-old kid who looked (and sang) like Chicken Little and danced by just moving his hips back in forth. He looked like he was stuck in cement and was trying to get out. Plus, for some reason most of the girls this year were not that good looking, and the few that were got voted out early, including my personal favorite, Didi. Sure, she wasn’t the best singer, but so what? And before you women out there start accusing me of being incredibly sexist, I simply point to the existence of the Jonas Brothers as proof that you are hypocrites.

Anyway, there were a few singers that had some talent on the show, and thankfully the one my roommate and I were rooting for, Lee DeWyze won. He actually had a rock voice, as opposed to the wussy little tweeny bob voices that this show normally likes (yes, I’m glaring at you David Archuletta). He also sang what may be my favorite American Idol song of all time. Now to be honest, I don’t know if he should have won, because the other finalist had a pretty good night. But frankly, I never liked her, mainly because she reminds me of every other pot-smoking, tree-hugging, guitar-playing, fireside-swaying hippie chick in Boulder.

Of course, it never really matters who wins, because everybody on the show ends up making an album. And winning does not guarantee you success. For instance, I point to Fantasia, who sounds like a caged animal being stabbed with a cattle-prod. Whereas my favorite Idol alumni is Chris Daughtry, who finished fifth and who the judges actually barely let onto the show.

No, the reason you watch the finale is for the guest singers. It’s ironic that during most of the season, on a show that criticizes bad singing, they invite the worst singers that they can find. Here is a short list of the auto-tuning, lip-synching hacks they invited onto the show: Jaime Foxx, Rihanna, Justin Bieber, Usher, Lady Gaga, and Ke$ha. But for some reason, at the finale they start inviting people that can actually sing, which means that they start inviting old people. Here is a list of some of the people that have appeared at finales: KISS, ZZ Top, Hall and Oates, Carlos Santana, Joe Cocker, and Lynard Skynard. I would pay to see a concert with that second list of people. The first group of people I would pay to lock in a burning building.

But this finale was a little extra special, because it was Simon Cowell’s last show. Now, he may be British and wear shirts that fit like a car shoved into a shopping bag, but he is one of the best parts of the show. He is really the only judge that knows what is going on. Randy Jackson just sits there and says “Yo,” Ellen just makes jokes all night, and Kara mumbles about emotions like a typical woman. So they had a bunch of tributes to Simon, one of which unfortunately included Paula Abdul. I am almost certain that Paula is genuinely retarded. She gave a rambling speech that made absolutely no sense. It was like they locked her in a room full of laughing gas, spun her around, put peanut butter on her tongue, and then smashed her over the head with a frying pan repeatedly before sending her on stage.

I’m a little worried about what will happen to the show. They are losing their best judge and they are clearly running out of good singers. Plus, the show is no longer the only way to get famous. Do you know how easy it is for people to become famous musicians? Check out this kid. He put this video of himself at a talent show up on YouTube and the next thing you know he gets signed to a record deal. Frankly, I’m tired of all these Biebers running around. I can’t wait until they hit puberty, and they get fat and their voice gets deep and they start getting acne and they grow hair on places other than their heads. I would know, because I was a budding teeny bop star in the making before all of that happened to me. Except I was ten.