I’m a very patriotic guy, so you can imagine how intently I was paying attention to the recent contest. No, not the primary elections; the 2010 Miss USA pageant. Frankly, hot women strutting around is a little higher on my priority list than a bunch of old men who write stupid laws while they aren’t molesting their aides. And just as a disclaimer, I will be keeping track of the sexist jokes I make in this column in honor of this event (the pageant, not the elections). Remember ladies, these are all jokes and I don’t mean any of it. If only any of you had a sense of humor (#1). Now, I’ll admit that I didn’t get to watch most of this year’s show (and on a bit of a tangent, does anyone find it ironic that one of the weirdest looking people, Donald Trump, hosts the search for the most beautiful woman in the country?). I tuned in just in time to see the final five and the announcement of the winner, Miss Michigan Rima Fakih, who became only the second Arab-America to win the award (and yes, I do research, but only when research involves beauty queens).
Now, am I saying that this was a big PR stunt? No, you said that (assuming that for some reason you read this out loud). But I was a little suspicious. Now, Rima is a good-looking girl, but she placed last among the finalists in the swimsuit portion (which, let’s not kid ourselves here, is the most important competition). Plus, she somehow beat out Miss Oklahoma Morgan Woolard, who looks like this. At one point during her final walk, she stared at the camera in a way that probably killed any male that sat too close to the TV.
Of course, as with any event that involves more than two women, these pageants are the subject of a lot of unnecessary drama (#2). This year’s big scandal is that apparently Miss USA has some risqué photos floating around on the Internet (then again, who doesn’t these days?). Of course, by risqué, I mean this. Yeah, a tank top and shorts. And organizers are thinking of taking away her crown over this, which you have to admit is a little hypocritical. I mean, they have bikini contests on their show and the girls can’t take a few pictures? That’s like Jesse Jackson asking for peace before threatening to rip a guy’s balls off (oh wait…). Of course even if she does lose her title, I’m sort of okay with that because once again, let me remind you what the runner-up looks like.
Another thing that always draws a lot of controversy is the question and answer portion of the contest. Of course, I think that this is an easy controversy to avoid. Don’t do it. Just have the evening gown and swimsuit portions and call it a night. We don’t need the talent portion; if I wanted to watch hot women sing bad karaoke I would just watch Katy Perry videos. In my opinion, looking good in a bikini is the best talent there is. Besides, we know that women have no real talents (#3), unless you count making sandwiches (#4). Okay, I’m going to stop right there with the sexist jokes before one of the two females that are still reading this for some reason decide to kill me. Good thing only a few women know how to read (#5, I’m sorry I couldn’t help it; I had to get one more in).
Anyway, as a bastion of sexist ideals, the Miss USA pageant doesn’t need to prove these women are smart. If anything, having the questions proves the opposite; that these women are blonde mannequins who couldn’t wet a sponge in the Pacific Ocean. Of course, 2007’s Miss South Carolina couldn’t even find the Pacific Ocean if she was tossed off the Golden Gate Bridge. I don’t really care whether or not these women are rocket scientists. It’s not like they promised to teach young children in inner cities how to read (oh, wait…). I’ll be honest, I feel bad for some of these girls. These judges ask some hard questions; the sorts of questions that have no right answer and are politically charged and will piss somebody off no matter the answer.
For instance, this year Miss Oklahoma was asked about Arizona’s immigration laws. For those of you who have somehow not heard about these new laws, it’s the latest hot topic. Arizona enacted a law that basically allows officers to demand to see a person’s documents saying that they are there legally, which some people say will lead to racial profiling.
Miss Oklahoma, in addition to being hot, should have won based on her answer, which I couldn’t have said better myself. She basically said “What can we do about it? Arizona will do what Arizona wants to do.” Now, I honestly don’t give a flying whoop about this law. Do you know why? Because I don’t live in Arizona, and I don’t particularly like Arizona. They are like that kid who always does stupid stuff just to be different. For instance, they are in the Mountain Time zone but they don’t observe daylight savings time, unlike the rest of the time zone. Their basketball team is led by a Canadian guy, their biggest landmark is a big hole, and the only scientific contributions that Arizona State University makes to the world are new STDs. I say we just give Arizona to Mexico and laugh as the Mexican police start racially profiling all the old white people in Glendale.
But I’m getting off topic. I’m sure Miss USA will go on to do many great things. Like… uh, whatever it is that Miss USAs do. I assume that it has something to do with running around in a tiara and a bikini trying to facilitate world peace. She can start in Arizona. Of course, since she’s Arab-American, the police will probably arrest her.
No comments:
Post a Comment