Can You Hear Me Now?

You’ll have to forgive me, but I’m in a bit of a mourning period. You see, my phone just stopped working the other day. And this is not just any phone; I had this phone for four years now and I loved it like a family member (actually, since it didn’t argue with me all the time, probably more). I loved it because it was simple. It was one of those phones you flip open that actually has buttons and did two things: called people and hung up on people.

But sadly they don’t make phones like that anymore. When I went in to the store, I asked them if they had the same model of phone and they laughed at me like I asked them for spare parts to a Model-T or something. Apparently they only make fancy little smart phones now with touch screens, which I hate. What sort of people would look at a phone and instantly think “Yeah, these buttons are just an inconvenience. You know what will make a phone better? Making it impossible to dial.”

I’m not exactly sure who decided touch screens were a good idea, but I’m assuming that these people had very skinny fingers. I watch other people use these touch screens like they were born to use them, whereas I look more like a chimp trying to smash ants. I tried having my first text conversation last night and the people on the other end thought I was drunk my messages made so little sense. Plus once you’re done, the screen is all smudgy; it looks like a dog tried to make out with your phone.

As with all of society’s problems, I blame this on Steve Jobs and his darn iPhone. People used to be fine with phones that just called people and, if you rolled in the high class, played snake. Then the iPhone came out, and now you are a caveman if your phone doesn’t have GPS, games, books, and thousands of applications more useless than claustrophobic chimney sweeps. I guess you could say that people can use their phone when they get bored, but I prefer to just take a nap when I’m bored (which could explain why the people at the DMV are always so angry at me).

What’s ironic is that the one thing the iPhone doesn’t do well is make calls. I had a friend who has an iPhone, and one day they didn’t answer any of my calls. As it turns out, this is because they were too busy playing Scrabble and then their battery ran out. That’s like getting stranded in the middle of the woods with a dead car battery because you were using the headlights to read Twilight novels.

Sorry if I come across as very technophobic, but that is because I am. My family is not what you would call cutting edge. I mean only a few years ago we still had a camera that used film and a computer that used floppy disks. And cell phones for us were no different. My parents didn’t get one until I was in high school and I didn’t get my own cell phone until I was a senior in high school. And it was one of those old brick shaped cell phones that could use to knock out an elephant if you threw it at its head.

I was one of those kids that constantly had to borrow other people’s cell phones if I needed to get in touch with my parents. Of course, this was a moot point since my parents never answered their cell phones anyway. My dad is good now, but my mom is still horrible with cell phones. My mother is under the impression that a cell phone is a one-way communication tool. If she needs something, she will incessantly call you but never leave messages. But the second you try to call her back, it turns out that she has turned her phone off. It doesn’t matter that she just tried to call you five seconds ago.

I will say that is one drawback to the cell phone era: people always expect you to be in contact with them. Before cell phones, me being 3000 miles away meant I would hear from my parents every five months when they went to Vegas. But now? My mother will call me for things like this:

Mom: “You know your sister didn’t turn in one of her assignments. This is your fault.”

Me: “Huh?”

Mom: “She takes after you. You are a horrible influence and a bad example.”

Me: “I’m four time zones away and haven’t talked to her in months. John Travolta has more influence on what she does.”

Then there are other people who can contact you that you don’t want to talk to. Like sales people. Sales people are under the impression that people like to buy things at 2 in the morning. The only thing I want to be doing at 2 in the morning is sleeping. I just wish there was a way for me to call them when they are sleeping. I’m sure there must be an app for that.