Dude, Where's My Car?

So I have spent the past few days shopping around for a GPS unit for my car, since I have become painfully aware in the past few days that I have no sense of direction when it comes to driving in Colorado.

Although in my defense it is not just my fault. As usual, there are women who are mainly to blame. I get lost mainly because these women send me out into the night with a set of directions that skipped an important step. So instead of getting me to the highway, their directions landed me in the middle of an abandoned construction site on a dead-end road. I was certain I was about to get abducted (which makes me think that they knew what they were doing with the directions the whole time).

Whenever I get lost following their directions (which is inevitable), I try to call them, but that rarely helps. You know that stereo-type that men never ask for directions? It isn't because of our egos, it's because we have learned that normally it just gets us lost even worse. Here is a conversation that I had while trying to get instructions from one of them:

Maddie: “Do you see a big house? Or a brick wall?”

Me: “Only a neighborhood filled with them.”

Maddie: “Well it’s right next to… Oooh look at the bunnies!! Do you see the bunnies?”

The next time I tried to call them, I had to sit and listen through about five minutes of screaming since apparently a spider had entered their room. So you can see why I’m thinking of getting a GPS. But from all of my experiences with GPS, I don’t know if they are any better. While I was up in Silverthorne for a birthday party, we tried to find a park to play some whiffle ball (which is way more fun than you would think by the way). Our GPS originally told us that there was a park two miles away. But then in the middle of our drive the GPS told us that our destination was now seven miles away, which either meant that we were playing on a magical floating infield or our GPS was on crack. We followed it anyway, but we started to get suspicious when our route started to take us into the mountains. Sure enough, the GPS had taken us to a National Park, which as it turns out did not have an infield.

It’s better than the GPS brand TomTom, which the aforementioned women have. Not only does it not have some roads in its system and try and get us to turn off of cliffs, but gives all of these directions in a British accent. The last thing I need when I am frustrated behind the wheel is a British accent talking to me. I want a GPS that has Morgan Freeman or Optimus Prime giving me directions. Actually, scratch that, I want Arnold Schwarzenegger giving me my directions.

Arnold GPS: “Get to the exit ramp!! DO IT! DO IT NOW!”

I want to know how the heck GPS works anyway. I mean, is there a satellite orbiting space whose sole job is to track where I am at the moment? I’m not going to lie, considering the negative things I’ve said about NASA, I’m a bit concerned about the government knowing where I’m driving all the time. They might launch a missile at me (of course, this is NASA, so the launch would probably be delayed).

Speaking of people who have a hard time finding their way around, I stumbled upon a story the other day about people who are trying to design a car for blind people. Now I’m not saying this is a bad idea. I’m saying this is a horrible idea. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be blind; of all the disabilities in the world it is the one that seems the worst. But as much as I appreciate that they want to live as normal a life as possible, some people were just not meant to drive, like Lindsay Lohan. I think they are just trying to copy my idea, which is to design a safe car for women (it has no tires or ignition). I mean, knowing I’m driving on the same road as the elderly, teenage girls texting, and drunk people is scary enough. But blind people? I’m not saying they won’t be safe, but how are they supposed to know people are flipping them off in traffic?

What would solve this if somebody invented a car that drove itself, and I could just sit down and listen to music and fall asleep. But until then I think I’m going to stick with the bus.