"Who Is Alex Trebek?"

So by all appearances, today started like any other Thursday. I woke up at nine, realized I have no job or classes, and went back to sleep for another three hours. But then I realized that today is in fact a joyous day that should be celebrated with smug smiles, pompous arrogance, snide comments, and annoying trivia. That’s right, Alex Trebek turns 70 today!

Yep, everybody’s least favorite TV host is still alive (or for those of you who think he is a robot, operational). Why don’t I like him? For one thing, he is a Canadian and he tries to exploit the elderly by convincing them they are going to die so he can sell them Colonial Penn Life Insurance. But I mostly hate the way that he acts so arrogant on the show. Whenever people get a question wrong he smirks at them and tells them the right answers as if they didn’t what color the sky is. I mean, if he were like a Harvard professor and he wrote and researched all of the questions then he could be all pretentious when people get them wrong. But no, he just reads a card somebody gave him, which only requires the ability to read. Technically you could replace Trebek with a third grader and nobody would notice the drop-off.

Now, it’s not that I don’t like Jeopardy. If for some reason I find myself with nothing to do in the middle of the afternoon (like I forgot to go to my classes again), I often play along with the show. Not that I am any good at the show. On a good day I will get maybe one right, and that’s only because I scream “Who is Shakespeare?” after every single clue I don’t know the answer to and that normally gets me at least one point.

For some reason they never have trivia on anything that I know anything about. For instance, they tend to do a lot of things that involve very highbrow forms of entertainment, like plays and poems and classical music and crucifixion. I am lots of things, and cultured is not one of them. There are monkeys in the San Diego zoo that know more about the fine arts than I do. They also like to do a lot of history and geography, another two of my weak points. I have a habit of assuming that any place that I have never heard of is a city in Brazil that exports cocaine. Which could explain why I thought Rihanna spoke Portugese (I mean, where the hell is Barbados if it isn’t in Brazil?).

Now, if they asked questions about sports or oldies rock then I would be awesome. I remember on one show they had two categories: Body of Music and Great College Coaches. I got every single question right. Okay fine, I got every single “answer” right. You happy now? Geriatric Jeopardy diehards? That’s one thing that always bugged me about the show; that you had to answer in the form of a question. And by the way, does the question have to make sense if the answer is right? I have always wanted to get on the show just so I could answer using the wrong question form.

Alex Trebek: “It’s the number after five.”

Me: “Where is five and three-fifths?”

Alex Trebek: “It’s the main ingredient in pumpkin pie.”

Me: “Who is tofu?”

Alex Trebek: “They invaded Poland to start World War II.”

Me: “Why is PETA?”

Of course, I have acknowledged that I will never get on the show. Not only am I not smart enough, but I am also not boring enough. They always have that part of the show where we find out the interesting lives the contestants lead. And by that I mean “What they do when they venture out of their parents basement to visit the library.” I mean Alex will sit there and genuinely pretend to be interested in the time Janice over here accidentally got the wrong change back from her waiter and … GASP! ... didn’t tell anyone! What a rebel. Also, they would probably kick me off the show for drawing pictures of cows during final jeopardy.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but recently they’ve tried to make the show a lot more hip and happening. The set looks different and even that iconic theme music is now all electric guitarish. The next thing you know, game shows will have models to stand next to the big board and flip over the clues. Wait, what do you mean they’ve already done that? They have models on Deal or No Deal? Wait, on The Price is Right and Wheel of Fortune too? Why the hell am I wasting my time watching Alex Trebek age? I’ll tell you why, and in his honor, I am going to answer in the form of a question. What is a mustache? Wait, you mean he doesn’t have that any more either? Forget this. I’m going to go watch Family Feud.