Lindsay's Jailhouse Blues

It’s been a rough few weeks for celebrities, which means that it has been an awesome few weeks for me. I love watching celebrities’ lives fall apart like feta cheese. Mainly because I hate celebrities. They have tons of money, good looks, yachts, and access to all the good drugs; all things that I do not have. So you can imagine how happy I was when I found out Lindsay Lohan is going to jail today.

Of course, because the legal system in America moves slower than BP’s crisis team, I have completely forgotten what it is that Lindsay actually did to land herself in jail. I mean, aside from the rampant DUIs and drugs. Maybe someone is finally punishing her for Herbie Fully Loaded. No, I’m pretty sure it was the DUIs and the drugs. Apparently she was given a chance to stay out of jail, but she kept missing her alcoholism classes. Although in her defense, she always had good excuses, like she was in Europe drinking and getting kicked out of clubs.

But this is still the California justice system, which is about as tough on celebrity criminals as Fox News is on Republicans. So they tried to give her a second chance and put some sort of anklet on her that is supposed to be able to tell if a person is drinking alcohol. You know what I think? If they have that sort of technology, why don’t they just make a shock collar for alcoholics like the one they try to use on dogs? Whenever the collar detects alcohol, it shocks the person. Sure, I don’t think it works on dogs, but that is because dogs are stupid. Alcoholics are slightly smarter. Plus, even if it doesn’t work, I think it would be entertaining to watch a bunch of people sitting at the bars twitching and seizing randomly.

So anyway, the bracelet of course detected that Lohan drank alcohol. For some reason, this came as a surprise to Lohan, as if it were some sort of conspiracy to get her. I can see how it probably happened. Some person jealous of her fame and emaciated good looks decided to hand her a drink that they told her was “lemonade.” Or she doesn’t know how to read and thought the bottle said “juice” instead of “vodka.” Yet the judge apparently felt that drinking alcohol when you were specifically told not to while wearing a device that is designed to catch you drinking shows a lack of respect for the law. It probably didn’t help that Lohan wrote “f**k you” on her nails during her hearing.

And yet despite all of this, she will probably only spend about twenty of her ninety day sentence in an actual jail and the rest in rehab. Apparently women’s prisons are overcrowded, so non-violent female criminals are released early. This just screams sexism. You never hear about guys getting out of prison early because they can’t fit any more of them. They probably just start making them sleep two to a bed (if they aren’t already). And is nobody else scared that apparently female criminal activity is so rampant that they are overcrowding prisons?

I also don’t get the whole thing where you go to rehab instead of jail for using drugs. They make it seem like addiction to drugs is some sort of involuntary affliction that they were just unlucky to have, like being short. I frankly think jail is a good a place as any to rehab. I mean, they aren’t supposed to be doing drugs in there, right?

I think we should let me be in charge of prisons. I have a brilliant idea that would solve a lot of problems. We would take an entire state that nobody is using at the moment (Kansas comes to mind), and build a huge wall around it. We then proceed to make that state one big prison state. Regardless of what crime you commit or what gender you are, you get sent into this state, and there would be no rules or laws in this state. For one thing, this would stop lots of petty crimes. Nobody wants to get sent to the same place as serial killers for robbing a candy store. And then we could put hidden cameras all over the place and make a reality show about it. At least that way Lindsay Lohan would finally be a Hollywood star again.