I’ve always thought that British people were a little weird. For one thing, they voluntarily choose to live in a miserable, cold, rainy country. Now, I will admit that I know very little about England. In fact, I had no idea where England was until I looked them up on Google Maps (did you know that they are actually on an island?). But every once in awhile a story comes along that reminds me why these people used to rule the entire world. Like this one. Now I love this story for a lot of reasons. I’ve never been one of those guys who thought that only straight white males should be allowed in the army. When it comes to getting shot at by lunatics, I believe in equal opportunity, so I have no problem with women in the army. In fact, I prefer that women who know how to handle guns be sent as far away from me as possible. I also think it is twice as demoralizing for a guy who believes women are second class citizens to be shot at by a woman holding automatic assault weapons and hair straighteners.
But what makes this story different is that this girl Katrina is ridiculously hot. I mean she is a beauty queen and a lingerie model and she still is choosing to serve in Iraq. On the other hand, most beauty queens couldn’t find Iraq on a map (and half of them probably couldn’t spell “map”). Of course technically, she was the runner-up to be Miss England, but the winner beat the crap out of another beauty queen at a bar (apparently one of the events in an English beauty pageant is a pub brawl) and so was asked to step down. So Katrina will be going to the Miss Universe pageant in December even while remaining in the army.
What is also interesting is how she ended up in the army. Her brother just dared her to sign up for the army, saying she couldn’t pull it off. So the next thing you know, she shows up at training camp in heels and fake eyelashes, earning her the nickname “Combat Barbie.” Am I the only one who thinks this sounds like a blend between G.I Jane and Legally Blonde? (aw dammit I just admitted to watching both of those movies). I tried to dare my sister to do the same thing, but if you have ever seen my sister, then you would know that she has about the same chance of getting into the army as Michael J. Fox does of becoming a brain surgeon. The recoil from the gun alone would fly her back 100 yards.
Of course, I’m sure that Katrina faces a lot less resentment than those movie characters did. Nothing boosts “army morale” by having a supermodel walking around all day. Besides, I bet it serves as good motivation; nobody wants to be the guy who lost to the lingerie model in the obstacle course. I always find it funny when old, irritating actors like Sean Penn go over to Iraq thinking they are boosting the spirits of the troops. Sean Penn is thinking “Boy, these soldiers must be so happy to see that I, a celebrity, have taken time out of my busy schedule to fly here and shake some hands and sign autographs and get great publicity.” The soldiers are probably thinking “What an arrogant a**hole, riding here in his private jet because he thinks he is doing us such a great favor by merely showing up for five minutes.”
The greatest thing about this story though is that this girl is actually a great soldier (which, if you’ve ever made a woman angry, doesn’t surprise you). She was awarded a medal for disarming a prisoner with her bare hands after he managed to get two rifles. She was then promoted to a Lance Corporal, whatever that means. I never could remember all these darn army ranks. I think the army should really take advantage of her to enlist new recruits and curry favor for the war. Imagine the possibilities. She could appear in bra ads with slogans like “Support Our Troops,” “I Got Your WMDs Right Here,” “It’s DD-Day” and “got milk?” (okay maybe that last one doesn’t fit but I ran out of puns).
Anyway, the army gave her a few months leave, and she is preparing for her run at Miss Universe, though she has pledged to remain in the army even if she wins. All kidding aside, I really do hope she wins. After Miss California and Miss South Carolina, I’m tired of blonde bimbo beauty queens. This girl not only said she was going to strive for world peace, she went out and did something about it and shot at people to get it. I think she would be a great role model, and with her feel-good story and feel-good looks (does that even make sense?) she might have a chance. Plus I heard she is going to launch grenades at dissenting judges for her talent section.
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