Hallelujah Health Care!

As I’m sure you have heard by now, the big news is that yesterday, the new health care bill passed the House and is coming very close to being enacted. I think. The whole process of bills was always very confusing to me, maybe because my only experience with them was that darn School House Rock song that I don’t really remember. I think it went something like “conjunction junction, what’s your function.” For all I know, the only thing they voted on yesterday was what font they wanted the bill printed in. But judging by the way people are reacting, this vote seems to be a big step in finally getting this health care reform. This is a good thing, because frankly we need to get this whole thing over with so the media can move on to covering something important, like Jennifer Love Hewitt’s love life.

Now this whole thing was a big surprise to me since I assumed that, like me, Congress was on spring break and was spending their entire day watching basketball and NCIS reruns. But unlike me, these legislators not only managed to get off of their couches but also worked to pass a bill that appeared to have a blunt’s chance in Boulder of passing. It really was a remarkable display of non-partisan cooperation. Of course, by “non-partisan cooperation,” I mean “Democratic gang-rape.” None of the Republicans in the House voted yes on the bill, but the Democrats had enough numbers to overcome that.

But enough about how the bill was passed, let’s focus on what is truly important: how this reform affects you. By “you” I mean “me.” I don’t really care about you. Anyway, luckily for those of you who don’t understand health care, I happen to be an expert on the subject. My qualifications include knowing the Pepto Bismol song by heart and once diagnosing myself in a doctor’s office (“hey doc, I think the problem is that there is a knife sticking out of my foot”). So I’m going to make health care easy to understand by completely making up facts and using inappropriate metaphors and puns.

Now there was a time was a time when there was no such thing as health care (if you live in Africa, that time was two minutes ago). To demonstrate, we finally bring back our cavemen Wog and Oog.

Wog: So what seems to be the problem?

Oog: I think I have a cold sore.

Wog: I’m sorry to say we don’t yet have a cure and you’re going to die. But we can make your death as quick and painless as possible.

Oog: How?

Wog: We are going to hit you over the head repeatedly with a club until you die.

So things have gotten a little better since those days (doctors these days use axes), but there are still a lot of people in this country who are uninsured. This health care reform will give health insurance to 32 million uninsured Americans and make health insurance mandatory. Of course, all of this money has to come from somewhere and many high income people are complaining that it will end up being them. To them I say, “HAHA nanny-nanny boo-boo.” Because if there is anything that makes me happier than watching rich people suffer, I sure as heck haven’t found it yet.

Another part of the reform is that insurance companies can no longer cancel or deny policies to people with preexisting health conditions. This only makes sense to me. I mean sure, a diabetic person may have a higher risk of health problems than a healthy young man in his twenties. But the odds of that healthy young man getting hit by a bus tomorrow are probably greater since the diabetic had his foot amputated and can no longer walk.

Speaking of healthy young men, I should also benefit from this reform. The new plan would allow unmarried people up to 26 to remain under their parents’ insurance as long if they don’t have a job that offers them insurance. Why unmarried? Probably because the insurance companies know that marrying women is one of the biggest health risks to guys. I’ve seen CSI; if the husbands have any sort of life insurance, the second they piss their wives off BAM they’re dead.

Of course all of these benefits are nothing compared to the person who was truly saved by this vote: Barack Obama. Now as a fellow Hawaiian, I like the guy, even if his bracket sucked (I mean, come on; Kansas?). But even I have to admit that he was taking some heat for failing to really change anything aside from the oval office furniture. At least now he can hang his hat on the first health care reform since the 60’s. Then again, I would avoid doing anything that hasn’t been done since the 60’s. I’m pretty sure there was a good reason for stopping most of the things that went on in the 60’s other than The Who.

Anyway, at least this is a step in the right direction. Or the wrong direction. At least we are walking somewhere as opposed to standing there and looking confused like a Brit in a dentist’s office. Only time will tell whether or not we’ve taken a step towards happiness or Candianness. Speaking of which, I hope this free health care means I can finally get a Canadian doctor to look at this raccoon that has been clamped to my foot for the past three days. It’s starting to look infected.