Thar She Blows! (Wait, That Sounds Dirty)

So this past weekend me and two friends were walking to get lunch in the middle of a snowstorm that would have killed a herd of wooly mammoths. About twenty feet from the restaurant, we happened to run into several environmental activists. Of course, by “ran into” I mean that this crazy girl ran at us and just sort of started to yell at us and gesture frantically and point at us in a threatening manner with her clipboard.

She explained that she was from a group called Green Peace. Now, I assume that this is a very popular group in Boulder simply because a bunch of them signed up thinking that it somehow involved either marijuana or Heinekens. Sadly, that is not what this girl wanted to talk to us about. She then began to rant on about how Barack Obama wanted to start whaling again and all of the poor whales are going to die. This, as she made very clear, was unacceptable. Once she figured out I was from Hawaii (I’m not sure what gave me away, but it could have been the fact that I was wearing slippers and shorts in a blizzard or that my shirt said “HAWAII FIRE DEPARTMENT” in big letters across it), she attempted to use me as an example. No, not of whales you jerk; of people who presumably love whales.

Then came the part that all three of us knew was coming. “How can we save the whales” you ask? Apparently by giving them money. That’s right, by giving them money every month you can personally save a whale. Maybe you get a picture of the whale you saved and you can write it letters and everything. Now we of course politely told this girl that while we love the Earth as much as the next apathetic SUV-driving citizen, we are college students and we barely have enough money for ourselves, much less whales.

Now normally at this point, these environmentalist people just give you a sad face, but let you go on your way. But apparently this girl did not read that chapter of the guide book, because she then started to try and make us change our minds. Of course she got off on the wrong foot right off the bat, because she suggested in a condescending tone of voice that we should give up our beer money every month to save the whales. This offended me; who is she to assume that we drink? Haha I’m just kidding we weren’t offended. Amused would probably be a better word. She might as well have asked us to shoot ourselves so they could give our hearts to transplant patients.

She then tried to guilt us into signing up. She told us how we were the first people that had stopped to listen to them all day, and they were beginning to get demoralized. I wanted to tell her that maybe the reason nobody was stopping was that they were standing outside in a blizzard. I took a look around and saw about three people outside. She probably would have had more success recruiting someplace with more people walking about, like the moon.

Now, we are standing out in this weather the whole time this crazy chick is rambling on about whales. There was now about three inches of snow on our heads, and we still had not eaten. So in the politest way we could, we walked away in mid-sentence. Or at least two of us did; the guy she was making eye-contact at that particular moment was stuck there for a little while longer. This is what we call the “buddy system,” always being with somebody who gets the short end of the stick instead of you.

Anyway, several days later while I was watching Obama sign the health care bill into law, I remembered what the girl had said about Obama legalizing whaling (and I’m almost 100 percent sure that I was the only person who has ever thought about whales while watching C-SPAN). So I looked it up and as I expected, she was absolutely right about Obama wanting to legalize whaling. Except for the “Obama” part. There is someone who wants to legalize whaling: the whalers (surprise!). But Obama has not introduced any such bill. Even if he did, I’m not sure how I would feel. I mean, the girl was right that as someone from Hawaii, I have seen my fair share of whales. But I don’t know if I would go as far as she did and call them “gorgeous creatures” (I reserve that type of distinction for myself and Megan Fox). I mean, I can’t eat them so I don’t love them, and they can’t eat me, so I don’t hate them. As far as whales go I’m an emphatic “Ehhh.”

Except for Free Willy. Free Willy was one of my favorite movies growing up as a kid (and apparently they are coming out with a fourth one). I used to always watch it with my sister at my grandmother’s house. Of course we also used to have a National Geographic video on how they viciously eat seals (although apparently that’s not all they eat). But regardless I like killer whales so much I almost considered signing up to help save the whales. But then I remembered that killer whales are not actually whales, they are orcas. So I didn’t sign up. Anyways, speaking of black and white things that die in amusement parks, I leave you with Michael Jackson’s music video for Free Willy. Enjoy, and feel free to donate your beer money to me. Mine mysteriously disappeared.