Wednesday, December 23, 2009

2008: The Year in Review

When we look back upon the year 2008, one historic event will come to mind. In historic numbers, Americans cast their vote in one of the most important contests in our country’s history. But enough about David Cook and American Idol.

In all seriousness, 2008 truly was a memorable year. You know how in your history class, the book will often skip unimportant years and people to focus entire chapters on “turning points” in American history. 2008 will be a very long chapter in future generation’s history books. You know how our grandparents always ranted to us while we were complaining there was nothing on TV about how they had to live through the Great Depression and the Vietnam War and how they remember when John F. Kennedy was elected and everybody was happy? Well, someday we will all tell our grandchildren about 2008. We will tell them where we were when Barack Obama was elected, about the recession and the collapse of the mortgage companies and global warming, about the never-ending war in Iraq. The conversation might sound a little like this:

“So gather round children. Grandpa’s going to tell you about the year 2008. Well you know what Jimmy? I don’t care if I’ve told you this story before, you young kids need to learn about the history of this great country before the Viagra kicks in and the blood stops circulating to my brain.

Now, when you think about the year 2008 you think about the presidential election. It all started in the primaries, when a little known junior democratic senator from Illinois (and born in the great state of Hawaii might I add) joined the primaries, preaching his goal to change the way politics were done in Washington. So what right? Well, did I mention Barack Obama was a young black man? That’s right, he was competing to become the first black president against Hilary Clinton trying to become the first female president and John McCain trying to become the 44th rich old white guy president. He beat Hilary in the primaries and it was down to Obama and McCain.

It was even for awhile, but then McCain made the decision that some would say sealed his fate: he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate. Why Palin? She was the governor of a state that had more moose than people (though with Palin’s tendency to shoot them, the moose might be losing ground in that race). Some say it was because McCain wanted a young, female to offset his old man vibe and apparently Hillary Duff didn’t want the spot (though that may have been more scandalous since Disney stars had trouble keeping their clothes on and cameras off in 2008). Anyway, Obama went on to win, sending college students everywhere into a frenzy and moving Oprah and Jesse Jackson to tears (even though Jackson threatened to cut off Obama’s balls just months ago). But more importantly, all of a sudden doing things like people from Hawaii became cool cause the president did them, like eating spam musubis (even if they called it spam sushi for the first month).

In 2008 we were facing our share of problems. We still couldn’t get out of Iraq, and just like with women, if you can’t withdraw in time, you will be spending a lot of money on an infant (infant democracy, that is). We were using up so much of our goodwill that an Iraqi journalist actually threw both his shoes at George Bush’s head (Bush, in his ever observant manner, declared that “they were size 10’s”). Many Iraqi’s expressed their regret over the situation, saying “we apologize to the world for missing. And for not sending someone in stilettos.” In a related story, our economy was going to the dogs. Gas at one time soared into the four dollar range, mortgage companies begged Washington for bailouts so they could name more baseball stadiums, and unemployment and inflation took off.

We were also having problems with our environment. Many respectable public figures (and Al Gore too) were joining the effort to convince people to erase their carbon footprint. Nancy, do you know what a plastic bag is? No? Well that’s cause in 2008 psycho tree huggers somehow convinced people that plastic bags were just as bad for the environment as aerosols, Hummers, and Amy Winehouse. So instead, you had to carry your own little bag around, so it looked like everyone was just getting out of a convention seminar. I never could get used to the whole bag thing, but I did my part to help the environment and ridding the world of methane gas by eating as many cows as I could.

Speaking of people wrecking the environment, China also hosted the Olympics that year. It was supposed to be like some kind of big coming out party. It kind of reminded me of a communist episode of “My Sweet Sixteen,” with China as that spoiled rich kid that everybody hates but everybody pretends to like because they have a lot of money (and make all our toys). They spent all kinds of money on extravagant facilities and bells and whistles. They shut down entire cities, tried to buy out the weather, and didn’t invite Ghana because they’re poor and smell kind of funny. Things started off rough. They had smoggy air and scummy ponds and pesky little countries that wouldn’t accept Chinese rule and pesky little protestors that wanted pesky little things like human rights. Then they had an earthquake that killed thousands of people. It looked like China was going to trip on its high heels and rip her dress coming out of the cake. The singer was lip synching to the recording of a not-cute-enough girl, the fireworks were fake, and a relative of the U.S volleyball team coach was killed. But worse for China, there was a prettier girl at the party that stole the show: Michael Phelps blazed through the water and won eight gold medals (this was before Speedo got out of hand and created a suit that had Whoopi Goldberg swimming 20 second fifties) on his way to becoming the most decorated and celebrated Olympian ever. When all was said and done, China’s supposed debut ball as a world power brought up as many questions as answers as the five-year old elves disguised as the Chinese Gymnastics team returned to Santa’s workshop to get ready for Christmas.

There were some sad moments in 2008. George Carlin, Tim Russert, Paul Newman and Michael Crichton all signed off for good, and just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for old guys, The Girls Next Door left Hugh Hefner. Heath Ledger, Isaac Hayes, and Bernie Mac all died shortly before releasing movies (though “Soul Men” and “The Dark Knight” had little else in common). Northern Illinois became the sight of another tragic shooting. There were falls from grace: Roger Clemens used ‘roids, Elliot Spitzer bought hookers, Ted Stevens got gifts, and Rod Blagojevich sold Congressional seats. The nation was captivated by the search for little Caley Anthony while another former court room phenomenon, O.J., was finally sent to prison (though this time for stealing his own memorabilia). Oh, and then there was this guy who gave birth to a baby…”

At that point, your grandkids will roll their eyes and return to whatever futuristic video games they have in the year 2060 (Halo 54?). Because let’s face it, you are an old person. And every old person who has ever lived always remembers that one year that things changed dramatically.

Will this truly be a year history books one day refer to as a turning point in history? I don’t pretend to know. One day we may look back upon the year things really did take a turn for the good or just another false alarm. Everyone always said that our generation will soon be running the world, and in 2008 we saw a glimpse of what that world may be like. Like never before, young people were empowered with a sense of responsibility and got up to do something about it. Because as the year’s Oscar film said, in 2008 the U.S was No Country For Old Men.

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