So I haven’t written in awhile, but that was mainly because I was busy studying for finals. Sort of. Actually, I was asleep for most of finals week. I actually had to set my alarm to make sure that I woke up for a 4:30 pm final. Anyway, with most of the country either just finishing finals or beginning to take them, I think that we need to talk about a very important topic: recreational drug use before tests. Okay, so I used to be in favor of other students doing this, especially in classes with curves. It made me feel a lot better about my chances knowing that the idiot next to me was getting his answers from the talking waffle on his desk and laughed every time he saw the phrase “fallacious argument” on his philosophy test (okay so that last part was actually what I was doing, but that’s not important).
But now students have discovered that they can take these prescription drugs that actually help them take tests. Apparently, these drugs help them focus. This is alarming for several reasons. For one, it erodes the moral fabric of the American collegiate experience while trivializing the struggles of those who truly need medication for genuine mental problems. But more importantly, these people are getting better grades than me. This is a problem for me even without people taking mind steroids. But if these students are suddenly walking around with super-brains while I’m sitting here trying to figure out how long it takes to microwave nachos, I’m never going to make it out of here with a GPA higher than my BAC.
Now maybe there are some of you reading this who take part in this practice. I ask you this simple question: is it truly rewarding to achieve something through cheating as rewarding as achieving something through hard work and dedication? That is a stupid question; of course it is just as rewarding. In fact, it may be more rewarding, because while some of us are studying drug free, the druggies get to do other things with their free time, like watch Jersey Shore.
So some of you are simply saying, “Well Mitchell, why don’t you just take the drugs to help you take tests?” Well because I have higher moral standards than you, that’s why. Also, nobody will give me any. I don’t hang out with any people who take drugs. Or at least drugs that would help me study. Now if you want to find Narnia and laugh at centaurs, I’m sure my friends can help you there. And I don’t want to pay a drug dealer for them. Frankly, I think it’s more important to save your money for things like sushi rather than waste it on education. Besides, I’m paying thousands of dollars to come here, so I assumed that passing the class was included in that deal. With the amount I’m paying for out of state tuition I should be getting A’s for the classes I don’t even show up for.
Besides, I have serious doubts as to whether or not these drugs even actually help people take tests. It’s not like they make you smarter, it just helps you focus. So if I took these drugs, it simply means that I would go into the test and suddenly be very aware of the fact that I don’t know anything. This is not what I want. I would prefer to go in there and do what I do now, which is sit and smile blankly at the circles on my paper and then proceed to fill in bubbles randomly while “Macho Man” plays over and over again in my head. Sure, on a good day I get two questions right (name and date) but I leave that test stress free.
Unfortunately, this is not the norm. Most people come out of finals looking like they were just forced to watch puppies burned alive. Of course it helps that I am a journalism and philosophy major. My finals normally consist of the questions that have no right answer. In fact, normally you are rewarded for answers that make absolutely no sense. But for those people who were naïve enough to major in science, they don’t exactly have it as easy. I remember when I was in the dorms an upcoming chemistry test was a huge deal. For the entire week prior to the test, everybody would be locked in rooms trying to slit their wrists with their text book pages while studying for days at a time. Then of course there was the actual night of the test. I would be sitting in the lounge watching TV and over the course of the hour I would see people trickling in sobbing uncontrollably and muttering to themselves. I always made sure to lock my door on those nights, because I figured it was only a matter of time before one of them went ballistic and tried to choke sleeping people with their lab coats.
And that is why this new trend of using drugs in tests is alarming. Unlike me, most people take tests seriously and want to do well on them. With that kind of pressure, it won’t be long before everyone is using these drugs for everything. The day won’t be long before ESPN begins to reveal that Jeopardy contestants were juicing. And in that world full of lies and cheating, schools will not know who to trust. But then they will look to me, the last clean student on the campus; the last bastion of hope and honesty. A student whose mediocre grades and lackluster work ethic will lead the world into an era of righteous under-achievement. But they better hurry, cause normally when finals end I take off to Narnia for a couple of days.
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