A Truly Nobel Gesture

So I stayed awake long enough in my political science class the other day to find out that apparently Barack Obama had won the Nobel Peace Prize. Now at the moment, I didn’t really see what was the big deal, so I went back to sleep. But when I woke up they were still talking about it, so I’m assuming that everybody else thinks this is a huge issue.

Now as always when I am about to examine a huge issue, I decided to do some research and deep soulful thinking. So I took a nap on my couch. Then I went on Wikipedia to find out what the hell a Nobel Prize was. Apparently the Nobel Prize is awarded by some committee of really old people with funny accents who live in one of those European countries that never have wars and just smoke and drink all day and harbor rich people’s money, like Sweden or Delaware or something. Apparently there are several different categories of Nobel Prizes: Peace, Science, Spelling, Best Evening Gown, and Cinematography.

So anyway, every year, this committee locks themselves in a church and they don’t leave until they decide the winner, when they send white smoke up the chimney. Wait… sorry my bad. I’m getting mixed up, that’s how they decide the pope. Anyway, somehow they decide who gets the Nobel Prize, and this year they decided to award it to Barack Obama. Which is completely understandable. I mean, he’s been doing some great in his first few months as the president. What was that? He was nominated in February? But that means he was nominated after being president for like a week?

Never the less, I think it’s a great decision on the part of the committee. I mean, not only did Obama unite the world in a captivating national campaign of hope, change, and inspiration, but he changed the Oval Office drapes on his fourth day in office and they go way better with the carpet now. And trust me; nothing encourages peace more than good feng-shui when you are negotiating treaties. The explanation given by the Nobel Committee was as follows: guggenheimen wienerschnitzel hamburgular hindenburgen doitshce baggattee. As it turns out they don’t speak English, but once everything was translated, their story was that Obama encouraged an atmosphere of peace. They also added that this year’s candidate pool was not exactly deep. The other nominees are not made public, but rumor has it that the runner-up for the award was the Geico gecko.

Besides, Obama is the not the only president to win a Nobel. I mean, Teddy Roosevelt won the Nobel Peace Prize and he was famous for shooting a whole lot of people in the Spanish-American War and saying to “speak softly and carry a big stick.” The Dalai Lama won and to my knowledge he, unlike Obama, never threw out the first pitch at the MLB All-Star Game. I mean for goodness sakes, Al Gore won just because the Nobel committee cried every time they saw all those poor baby polar bears drowning.

So of course, Barack Obama made a very modest speech before he was interrupted by Kanye West, who attempted to give the award to Lady Gaga. But in the speech he said that the award really belonged to the American people. Which of course means that I can now add Nobel Peace Prize winner to my long list of accomplishments this week (like waking up before dinner every day and not getting hit by a car).

Of course the question now becomes, why didn’t they just give the award to me in the first place instead of doing it through Barack? I mean, I’m not undercutting the accomplishments (?) of Barack Obama, but I’ve done more to encourage peace today than he has in the last week, and I have not even left my couch. Everybody you talk to that knows me will tell you that I am a true champion of peace (if they say differently, than they obviously don’t know me). For instance, I often walk up to pure strangers and give them big hugs. Sure, I’m normally drunk and stumbling down the street at 3 in the morning when I do, but I bet Obama doesn’t go around giving homeless people hugs in the morning. Besides, and I don’t mean to brag here, but I have never watched an episode of “The Hills” or “John and Kate Plus 8”, and if that doesn’t earn me an award then I’m not exactly sure what does.

Of course, unlike me, Obama now has to bear the burden of this award in the public eye while I gracefully carry out my peace-bringing ways in unacknowledged secrecy. Kind of like Bono and Angelina Jolie. And I’m starting to see signs of the award getting to his head. For instance, did you know that we recently bombed the moon? That’s right, just after he gets an award for bringing about peace, he goes and lets NASA bomb the moon, which I’m pretty sure has never made a threatening move in its history. The only country to be less threatening military wise is Canada, and that’s only because the truck carrying the entire Canadian army broke down on a road somewhere in Quebec and all six soldiers got mad cow. And yet here we are, bombing the moon. Yeah sure, NASA is saying we’re “looking for water.” Right, the same way we were “looking for Osama bin Laden.” Anyways, I have to be going. As a Nobel Prize winner, I have to look after the children I adopted from Africa. I sent them to fetch me a pizza and they haven’t come back yet.