Skins Game

Last night I was looking through the night’s sports scores when I stumbled upon a golf story that made we wonder why I didn’t just go to sleep like I should have. Apparently, for one reason or another, one of the golfers took a shot – wearing nothing but his underwear. The first thing I thought was that for some reason ESPN started covering strip golf, which isn’t a bad idea when you think about it. I’m pretty sure all those southern hick golf courses would start letting women in if they could play strip golf.

But this was a big tournament (Tiger Woods himself was playing in this tournament) and the golfer in the tighty-whiteys was Henrik Stenson, who is the seventh ranked player in the world. As it turns out, Stenson hit a shot into a muddy area, and apparently he did this before and got really muddy. So instead of getting his nice clothes muddy, he just took them off and hit his shot. I’m not sure whose idea it was, but his caddie is a woman (I swear I am not making this up), so you never know. Regardless of whose idea it was, I think we can all acknowledge that it was a bad idea. It’s one thing if Tiger Woods did it. Tiger Woods is actually an athlete who walks around in tight red muscle shirts that rip when he pumps his fists (I think it’s ironic that he does such a manly looking act after doing an act that requires so little strength they set up putting courses for two-year old girls). But most of the golfers on the tour look like, well, they look like white guys who golf all day. They have tan lines where there visors are. This guy was so white you couldn’t tell where his underwear started and his skin ended. What’s worse is that he got a bogey on the whole anyway (for those of you who don’t know how golf is scored, it doesn’t matter).

This act did however make me happy in a way. You see, the one thing that I don’t like about golf is the dress code. I remember when I was young, my mom took me to a golf course to help with a charity tournament. I tried to get onto the course, but I was yelled at by the angry woman running the place that I couldn’t golf in shorts, slippers, and a t-shirt. Needless to say, I became deeply upset and from then on I hated playing on golf courses. So this guy is my new hero. If I had my own private golf course, I would probably golf in my underwear. Although to be fair, if I had my own private anything I would probably walk around in my underwear in it, including (but not limited to) basketball court, theater, and paintball course. I hate almost anything that won’t let me wear shorts, slippers, and t-shirts (work, weddings, funerals, exercise, the entire state of Colorado, Canada, etc.). Which is too bad, because I like everything else about golf. You get to go out in the sun, take leisurely strolls through scenic areas with nice grass, and drive golf carts. This past winter break, two friends and I got bored one night (as happens every night in a small town like Kona) and decided to stop by the local driving range. It was great, because it was at night, we were the only ones there, and we could wear whatever we wanted. So we rented a pair of drivers and a bucket of balls and teed up. Within seconds, I had sent a ball sideways into the dividers and nearly nailed one of my friends in the face. You see, I forgot to mention I am about as good at golf as amputees are at Twister. Regardless, we had a great time.

I also like to watch golf on TV. It is surprisingly relaxing to watch it; it moves at such a leisurely pace, you get to watch scenic shots with fake bird music in the background and the announcers are very quiet (I still don’t get why they have to be quiet; it’s not like they are anywhere near the golfer). But golf is coming off a down year without Tiger Woods (apparently his knee was injured so they had to take him to whatever factory they built him in and get him new parts). So I have a new idea to get people watching golf that I’ve already mentioned earlier in the story: strip golf. Golf already has a pro-ams (where celebrities compete) and they already have skins games (I don’t know why they call them that; do I have to explain everything for you? Go look it up on Google). So after we combine the two we get: “Golfing with the Stars.” What we do is invite hot celebrity pairs to go golfing, and the loser of each hole has to remove an item of clothing. I’m sure FOX would air it. Jessica Alba can be one of the first contestants. Here’s to hoping she is at bad at golf as I am.