And the Oscar Goes To...

So apparently the Academy Awards happened this past Sunday. That was sarcastic of course. I know when the Oscars are handed out; it’s just that I don’t care. I have not watched more than five minutes of the Oscars in my entire life; I would rather watch Special Olympics curling. If you ask me the Oscars are just another excuse for rich people to dress up, give each other awards, drink champagne and eat expensive sushi (not unlike those “Save the Endangered North Indonesian Spotted Cricket” banquets PETA always holds). But of course, society completely disregards what I say and watches the Oscars anyway.

The evening starts off with what is possibly the most pretentious event in the world: the red carpet. I mean, when you break it down, it’s famous people coming down from their castles in lala land and allowing normal people to look at how fabulous they are. Thank you famous people! Because I have no idea how I would live if I couldn’t see Paris Hilton and Miley Cyrus walk around as if they somehow contributed to society in some way, which they don’t (at least positively). When people tell me that the U.S is the most arrogant country in the world, I start to argue but then I remember the red carpet. (Truth be told, I still say that the French are even worse than us. I mean, they’re snobby all the time, but the only things they do are sit in cafes and get invaded by armies.)

The worst part about the red carpet is the whole fashion craze. All you see on the internet for the week after the Oscars is who dressed well on the red carpet and who didn’t. This is actually pretty stupid when you think about it, because these sites always ends up saying that the hot stars dressed well and the ugly ones didn’t. For instance, Megan Fox could wear paper bags on her feet and a vomit covered wife-beater and still look good while Mickey Rourke could wear the most stylish outfit in the world and still look like a homeless bum who stole a suit from Men’s Warehouse and was then punched repeatedly in the face. There may be nothing more depressing in a time of economic difficulty than finding out that these people are wearing the entire gross domestic income of some countries. I mean, Angelina Jolie says she cares about poor children, yet wears an outfit that could probably feed all the children of Kenya lobster bisque for the rest of their lives.

Once the stars are tired of being looked at (okay, so they never really do, but the show would never start if they waited), the ceremony begins. They trot out some poor guy who has to try and coax laughs out of a crowd that knows nothing that happens outside of their mansions and has an average IQ of ten. This year the host was Hugh Jackman, who I don’t particularly mind, even though he is either Australian, British or gay (I always have trouble distinguishing between those three). His job is to keep us occupied between the presenters, who are famous people that all have one thing in common: they didn’t get nominated.

Almost everybody watches the Oscars to see the big awards, but as it turns out, there are a lot of people involved in making a movie that we don’t care about. What’s even worse is they give these people the chance to talk, which I think we should never let famous stupid people do. At least at the Grammy’s there’s singing and dancing. All the Oscars have are little five second clips of movies of the nominees. Eventually, they announce the winners of the category’s we actually care about. Of course, it’s always a little anti-climactic, since the favorites always win (just another reason sports are better than movies). All the Academy looks for are movies that normal people don’t watch; and retarded, ugly, drug-addicted, gay, and old people are always a plus. (Who is the Academy anyway? It sounds like some kind of cult. Is that their actual job, just to watch movies in their basements while their mothers make them hot pockets?)

Anyway, I didn’t have a problem with this year’s winners except for Sean Penn. I don’t know why, but I hate Sean Penn. For one thing, I don’t think he is a very good actor (even though I don’t think I’ve ever watched a movie with Sean Penn in it, but facts are irrelevant to my opinions). Also, he looks like a drunk mongoose with a dead weasel perched on his head. Plus he just trots around Hollywood protesting everything. It doesn’t even need to be a good cause, as long as it protests something he will go for it. I could start up a petition to ban speaking English in colleges and he would get behind it.

So finally the Oscars ended (I think) and the stars went on to do whatever it is they do after these things (get DUIs and flash their crotches at camera carrying perverts). This a good thing, because now the summer movies come out, and summer movies don’t care about Oscars, which means I might actually want to watch them.