As most of you who know me are aware, I like sleeping and hate walking. So as you could probably guess, the thirty-minute walk I have to take in the morning to get to my first class is my least favorite part of the day. It’s also when I’m the least coherent; you could walk right up to me and steal the glasses of my face and I would not notice you. So you can imagine the shock my mind went through when I rounded the corner yesterday morning and saw: a 30-foot-tall dead baby. After I stopped freaking out, I calmed down enough to realize that it was actually a large sign against aborting babies. Remember those really graphic brochures they used to give you in high school sex ed? Imagine taking one of those brochures and make it as tall as a building and this is what this thing looked like. I have to admit, I don’t remember much else about it because I ran away from that thing so fast you would never have guessed I only learned to walk two weeks ago. You see, I do not particularly like blood and pain and all that other stuff. I hate TV shows that have fake blood, and I think the Saw movie series is the worst thing ever created by man (unless you count the country of France as man-made), so all these pictures of bloody babies didn’t really sit well with me. I am paying a lot of money so I can walk around on a scenic campus, not the trash can of a back-alley abortion center. Then again, it is my fault. I mean, they did have a “Warning: Graphic Images Ahead” sign (no, I’m not kidding), so in theory I could have taken an alternative path to my class that would have taken me ten more minutes to get to a class I was already late for (thanks to an army of old guys pelting me with free mini-bibles the entire way to my class).
If I sound bitter, I apologize. It’s not that I have a strong view either way; I after all, will most likely never get pregnant in my lifetime (and I thank fate every day I don’t have a uterus). I love babies; they are my favorite of the STDs, mainly because I can’t get them. (Hey, speaking of abortions, I found this article on toilets around the world. This is my favorite one.)
What I don’t like are the people who feel like they can take their views and put them on giant billboards in the middle of campus and throw bibles and clipboards at people. Unfortunately, you end up dealing with this a lot when you live on a college campus, mainly because college students are viewed as “open-minded” (read “empty-minded”) thanks to the perfect storm of new-found independence, intellectualism, and maturity (and new drugs and a lot of free time). Thus people see college as the perfect place to instill us with various “causes” before we grow up and get jobs and things to do. Every day, there are people standing in strategic locations with clipboards trying to get us to sign up to help (fill in the blank) Darfur, African-children, the environment, God, the Denver Broncos, the Girl Scouts Troop 546.
Just the other day, we spent the first five minutes of our class listening to “Kristen” talk in a overly cheery voice to our geology class about how easy it is to save on energy just as she does by turning off the lights, recycling, avoiding showers, taking shits in the woods and other easy steps that you can take to save energy today! Then she marched back to her tree house to go have intimate relations with a squirrel or an artichoke or whatever. What’s ironic is that to get us to help save the environment she passed out a clipboard with tons of pieces of paper to write down our email addresses on them. Which is also stupid since apparently the school gives them our e-mails anyway. How else can you explain why I have to sort through 14 messages from random student groups before I can find the email from my professor telling me I failed? (He saves paper by electronically informing me that I am a retard.)
Now I know all of you are saying to yourselves, “Mitchell, as a solutions-oriented person, what do you suggest we do about this problem? And for once does not have anything to do with biting people and defecating?” Well, I personally like to vary my strategy depending on who is holding the clipboard. With the smaller and older ones, I just try to act like a fat psycho by making grumpy faces and talking animatedly with my imaginary friend Humphrey (who is actually a four-foot-tall walking pancake), and that generally deters them. When it comes to the young guys, I just have to not be the hot chicks that they are pretending to be cared about the environment for. The hardest are the middle aged ones, and I still have not come up with a reliable method for avoiding them without a cattle prod. I’m thinking of getting a petition to get them off our campus; do you have a minute of your time to sign it?
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