Leaving A Theater Near You

So this past Thursday I went with a few of my friends to see the midnight premiere of the new movie “District 9.” Don’t ask me why; off the top of my head I can name about fifty things I would have rather done at midnight (most of which involve some form of sleeping). I’m pretty sure my friends knew this too, but they needed me to drive. Being the only reliable driver is one of the many side effects of hanging out with a lot of Asians (another is their tendency to talk about stupid Japanese cartoons and irritating music).

You see I’m not a huge movie guy, so the idea of staying up that late to see a movie perplexes me. The other thing is that when you go to the midnight premiere of a movie, the movie inevitably will always be disappointing. “District 9” was no different. For one thing, everyone in the movie had stupid British accents. The aliens spoke in weird little clicks but at least they had subtitles. I had no idea what any of the humans were saying. Also, all the action happens in five minutes and the end is disappointing (no, the movie; not your sex life).

I for one thought that “G.I Joe” was a much better movie, and no I am not ashamed to admit that I saw “G.I. Joe,” or to admit that I thoroughly enjoyed it. Sure, all of my friends tried to pretend that they had class and were sophisticated and said that the movie was horrible because the acting stunk and the plot was so cliché a four-year-old could have written it while in a coma. My friend’s girlfriend stated several times that one of the actresses was horrible and her character seemed stupid and shallow. I argued that since that is how women are in real life that this actress deserved an Oscar (what I just said probably would have upset a lot of women, if women could read) and that Channing Tatum couldn’t play dead if you shot him in the face with a shotgun. But do you know what? I really don’t care, because there were awesome guns and planes and for some reason two hot women whose idea of appropriate fighting attire was made up tight leather pants, high heels and designer glasses. But my favorite part is that they spend the entire second half of the movie just blowing up France and hurting French people. So basically the entire movie was like my dreams every other night, except with Channing Tatum (and with a little less Dennis Quaid).

But of course we can’t talk about hit movies of the summer without talking about Harry Potter. Actually that was a lie, I could easily just talk about Megan Fox and Moon Bloodgood and whatever the names of the movies they were in were that escape me at the moment. Anyway, a friend decided she wanted us to go to see Harry Potter for her birthday. For one thing, I hate going to movies to hang out. My idea of fun is not sitting in a dark room and not knowing if anybody else is even awake (once again, I am not talking about your sex life).

So needless to say I wasn’t crazy about going to this movie, especially knowing I was once again going to have to listen to a bunch of people with British accents (one of whom was naked with a horse, which should definitely be illegal). What made it worse is that we were surrounded by what appeared to be an entire girl’s middle school. A preview came on for some movie called Twilight that is currently sweeping the nation (and by nation I mean everyone who shops at Old Navy and doesn’t puke upon hearing the words “Zac Effron”). Apparently it’s a movie about a boy and girl who grow up in Washington and as a result are very pale, which leads them to believe they are vampires one day while they were running around the forest smoking marijuana. When this preview came on, the entire row behind me made a shrieking sound that is making my ears bleed until this very day. This same row also critiqued the entire movie by pointing out areas where the movie strayed from the book. SPOILER ALERT: YOU SHOULD NOT READ PAST THIS POINT IF YOU DID NOT KNOW THAT DUMBLEDORE DIES IN THIS MOVIE. Wait… oh whoops. Back to my point; let’s say that Harry says “Hey look! My magic wand is infected!” the girls behind me would say “That’s wrong! In the book he said ‘Hey guys look! My magic wand is infected!” These people knew this book better than I know my alphabet.

While knowing the book can make the movie a bit anticlimactic, I don’t necessarily consider that a bad thing. I don’t like it when movies have complicated plots or sad storylines. I don’t like to be stressed or uncomfortable during movies. This is probably why I hate horror movies. I remember earlier this year we went to go see the movie “My Bloody Valentine.” Looking back on it now, considering the title of the movie and knowing I hated horror movies I should have decided to watch something a little less violent, like “Bambi.” I mean we’re not even five minutes into this movie and at least 20 people are dead. The villain killed this one girl in such a way that she resembled the Canadians in South Park, if you catch my drift (if you didn’t catch my drift, he chopped her head in half with a shovel). I spent most of the movie looking at my feet and curling into the fetal position in my chair. Frankly, I’m proud that I didn’t scream or grab onto anybody during the movie. What made it worse is that this movie was in 3-D. Making movies in 3-D has become the newest trend in the movie business, changing a truly horrible movie into a truly horrible movie that you have to watch through stupid glasses (and for those of us who already wear glasses, you have to wear these over your glasses, which makes you look like a complete retard).

Of course, not liking something has never stopped me from trying to figure out how to get easy fame and fortune from it. So I have decided to work on my own script for a summer blockbuster. Since the undead seem to be popular movie topics these days, my movie will be about a bunch of zombies who lifelessly wander around town. To spice up the movie I’ll insert a brainless bimbo to run around and scream, and to make sure the movie is diverse I’ll cast a gay guy as the lead actor. It’s perfect! I think I’ll call it “High School Musical.”