Thanks for Turkeys

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! I don’t know about you, but I think that Thanksgiving is an underrated holiday. In all honestly, Thanksgiving may be my favorite holiday. What other holiday is simply about eating food? And lots of it? You don’t have to buy anybody any gifts, you don’t have to dress up, you get to miss class, and there are football games. What else could you ask for? It’s the holy trinity of holiday, food, football, and fall. In fact the only thing that I don’t like about Thanksgiving is Black Friday. I hate shopping and particularly shopping malls as is, but shopping malls filled with more people than usual? In high school, my family always used to fly to Oahu to visit family for Thanksgiving and to see the UH football game. But then they would make me go to Ala Moana, the biggest mall in the state. After mere minutes, I would sit wimpering in the fetal position in the corner of Macy’s. But as fun as it is, Thanksgiving is also a necessary holiday because it does one important thing: kills turkeys.

Okay, let me go back a little. So I spent most of this Thanksgiving alone in the dorms. Our school gets the entire week off, and most of the other students bolted for home cooking and clean laundry. Unfortunately, some idiot put Hawaii in the middle of the ocean, which means that the stupid airlines think that since there is no other way to get there, they can charge outrageous prices to fly you there. So being in the dire economic straights we are in, I didn’t go home. It wouldn’t have made any sense to go back home anyway. Because my parents, in a showing of mature fiscal responsibility during an economic crisis, went to Las Vegas (really, can you stray farther from the stereo-typical image of a family Thanksgiving than Vegas?) and my sister is in Atlanta for a club on some kind of goodwill mission (picking up littered heroin needles?).

Anyway, getting back to my point. So I have been doing nothing, along with the other few who stayed. On Wednesday night, I watched what may be the best movie ever made, Black Sheep. It’s a movie about killer sheep. That’s right, killer sheep. These radioactive killer sheep start attacking people and ripping out their intestines and gnawing off their limbs. It’s like Saving Private Ryan meets Babe. The movie ends **SPOILER ALERT** with the main character blowing up the sheep by, get this, lighting their flatulence with a lighter and blowing them up. I swear I am not making this up (at one point in the movie, a dude also has sex with a sheep). How this movie has not won an Oscar is a mystery to me. After that movie, we watched Strange Wilderness. In one scene, a turkey completely swallows the main character’s … erm … we’ll just call it his turkey baster. Let’s just say that if the turkey were a prostitute, he would have had to pay the turkey for services rendered. In the sheep movie, one of the sheep (in addition to eating a large number of Asian business people) bites off the villain’s turkey baster.

As I have stated in previous notes, I believe that PETA is plotting to take over the world. As we can see from these realistic movies, bad things happen when the populations of farm animals get out of control. Do you know who started the whole killer sheep fiasco? Two vegetarian hippies, that’s who. One of them was named Experience for goodness sakes. Of course PETA doesn’t want you to eat animals, cause look at the chaos they cause. Which is why it is so important you eat turkeys on Thanksgiving. Do you think that the pilgrims just randomly chose to eat turkeys over the many other creatures available to them? No, they were eating turkeys because they had just shot them with their ridiculous trombone shaped muskets in self-defense. Have you seen how big turkeys get? They are the Shaquille O’Neals of the fowl family. Can you imagine what they would do to society if they were left to reproduce unchecked? We weren’t put on the top of the food chain for nothing. It is our responsibility to ensure that these dangerous animals aren’t running afoul (haha pun).

So as you dig into that turkey this Thanksgiving, just remember, you’re not a glutton for going back for thirds. You’re a hero.